My Spiraling Life

I'm not exactly sure why I had started months and months ago. All I knew was that somehow, despite the pain, it made me feel better. My chest felt lighter afterwards and I could forget. I could be the JD everyone had grown to love.I stood staring at myself in the mirror for a few moments. Watching crimson trail down the body of the sink. I felt blank, but mysteriously in control of my life all of a sudden.

I closed my eyes, taking a few deep breaths as I slithered another cut across my pale skin. The sting clearing my head. The pain giving me something other than my emotions to focus on.

Everyone around me was moving on with their lives. Turk and Carla we're married and had a beautiful baby girl to take care of. Elliot was growing into a strong and assertive woman, who was very madly in love with Kieth, and Dr. Cox no matter how much approval I had craved never seemed to give me a scrap of it. Instead just pushed me away even further. I could never understand. I was pleased though, because I loved him, and he too was moving on with his life. He and Jordan had somehow managed to create a loving family for themselves. They were all so busy with their lives, it was selfish of me to expect even an ounce of their time, of his time anymore. Wasn't it?

Above all there was Kim... the last thing I'd heard from her was that she'd had a miscarriage, after that phone call we never spoke again. It hurt, it really did because I did feel something for her and I wanted to be a dad. I wanted to move on with my own life and start a family. I guess that just wasn't in the cards for me.

I finally opened my eyes again, looking pleased at the mess of blood in the sink. At least I was in control of something. I chucked the piece of metal in the drawer and washed my wrist. Water stinging the fresh wounds slightly, but not unpleasantly.

After the bleeding stopped I started getting ready for work. I wiggled into an olive long sleeve t-shirt to cover my arms, and then pulled my scrubs over. I was a little glad I had always worn a shirt under my scrubs, it made it easier to hide.

I glanced at the mirror one last time before I left the bathroom. Sadly smiling at my pathetic self, this had been going on for months now, I really needed to stop before I did something stupid. Something very stupid.

----------

"Samantha, do I got work for you!" I turned blankly to my mentor, my idol at one point, shifting my weight from the nurses station counter. His towering stature and sarcastic words not fazing me like they had only months before. Things change when you simply don't care.

"Yes sir." I said, an emptiness to my voice.

He frowned before he continued with his orders. "I need you to check Mr. Carnford in room 12, and Mrs. Mckenzy in room 23, I want updated charts in an hour. Oh, and finish these." He shoves a mound of charts against my chest. "My soap starts in 2 minutes. Do not, and let me repeat, DO NOT bother me, got it Newbie?"

I nod.

"What a good girl you are." He says a little acrimoniously, and begins to walk away somewhat pleased.

As soon as he's out of my vision I slump, despair coaxing me to let it in.

Why did he continue to treat me like an intern? It had been 5 years, and still, still Perry Cox managed to show me not even an ounce of appreciation, not even a drop.

I shuffle the stack in my arms and then place it carefully on the counter of the nurses station. Mentally preparing myself for the long day I did not care for.

----------

I was finally done with Dr. Cox's work along with my own hours later.

All the patients had been taken care of by trusty JD, and their paper work was completed.

One of the ladies was even nice enough to give me a hug. I hadn't had one of those in a while, it was nice.

After I had unloaded the last of my charts to the nurses, a wave of fatigue hit me. It wasn't a surprise either. I had barely slept in weeks... 1 maybe 2 hours a night at the most. Of course I didn't usually get enough sleep seeing that I was indeed a doctor, but before I could always manage to squeeze in a good 5 or 6 hours. Now I'd lay in bed, half the time feeling to anxious to sleep.

Every passing moment made my life feel like it was a plane spiraling towards the Atlantic.

I finally made it to the door of the on-call room and pushed it open. Pleased to see it was completely uninhabited and planted myself onto the couch. The second my head hit the soft cushion I was out cold.

----------

"Rise and shine Samantha... Samantha!!" Someone was yelling at me.

"I'm up, I'm up!" I said, jerking awake suddenly.

"Newbie, I've been looking all over for you." Dr. Cox made his way to the couch. "For 3 hours to be exact, don't tell me you've been sleeping all this time!"

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again."

I grabbed my stethoscope off of the ground and began to get up, set on leaving the room before Cox had the time for a rant. But to my horror just as I'm about to pass him he grabs me, his grip tightening around my wrist.

Of all the places why there?

I take a sharp intake of breath from the sting, and his eyes widen. "Whats wrong with you?"

"Nothing... it's nothing." I say trying to pull myself from his grip. But he only grips me harder.

"Blow it out your ass Newbie, you haven't been yourself. I let it go on to long." He looks me in the eye, but I turn away to look at the grip on my arm. "For god sakes, just look at yourself."

"I'm fine Dr. Cox."

"No," He chuckles softly. "No your not fine Newbie. You look like an anorexic teenager, and your pale as paper, not to mention you've seemed to misplace the little back bone you had these last couple of months. And- above all... you just don't care anymore." I can feel him staring at me, but I just can't look at him. I feel tears burning my eyes.

I will not cry, I will not cry.

"What the hell are you looking at?" He says absolutely infuriated.

He tugs at my wrist again fiercely, and I yelp. Not a yelp of fear, but a yelp of pain and I begin to feel moisture against my skin. That's when I make eye contact, pleading him to seize the questioning glare he's now harboring. The anger completely gone from his features, leaving nothing but wonder as he stares at the crimson beginning to leak through his fingers.

It seemed as if time had slowed as I watched him, still gripping me with one hand, tug the sleeve of my shirt up to my elbow with the other.

I'm still staring at him. Watching his stunned face as his eyes travel the length of my arm. Confusion writhing through his features as he gazes over each of the hundreds of slices, some opened, some healing, some just fresh scares. The arm painted with my own self destruction.

I jerk away after a moment, gathering myself from the shock. "Dr. Cox please... just don't say anything." I hurry out of the room leaving him speechless.

The second I was out of there I headed for the supply closet, I needed to bandage my wrist. The last thing I wanted was somebody else's questioning glares to look at.

I quickly jogged to the closet and disappeared into it as fast as I could without looking awkward.

I was inside for only a minute rummaging through the hundreds of kinds of wrappings, gauze and medical tape when the door suddenly flung open. My heart stopped when Dr. Cox entered the room and locked the door behind him.

Was he going to kill me?

I lifted my arms up in self defense. It was a possibility after all. "Oh for god Sakes Newbie. I'm not gonna hit you!" I lower my arms, a bit confused. If he wasn't going to kill me why was he in here?

As if knowing my question he suddenly grabbed me pulling me towards him hard, and planting an exhilirating kiss onto my lips. At first I was hesitant , wondering if I had gone mad. After all I had dreamt of this, but never in my wildest of imaginations have I actually thought it would happen. But it was, Dr. Cox was before me, showering me with kiss's, his tongue dancing in my mouth.

But I pushed away, why did I push away?

"Dr. Cox?" I questioned breathlessly. Staring into his eyes, they were bright with something I had never seen before.

"Newbie... I won't ask why." He kissed me again, trailing down until he met my collarbone. "But don't you dare do something like that to yourself again. Got it!" His breath was hot against my neck and I could feel the flush growing in my face.

"But...but I need you to ask me why?" I whisper.

He pulled away gently to look into my eyes, his grip tightening around my shoulders.

"Why Jd?"

I took a deep shuddering breath. "Because I felt alone... My baby is dead, and... and you."

He frowned, maybe because tears were falling now. I wasn't sobbing or crying, the tears were just simply falling silently.

"Me?" He let go of my left shoulder and ran his hand through his curls.

I gulped, trying my best to keep my voice steady. "I love you, but..." I shake my head confused, eyes pleading. "I thought you hated me."

"God your such a girl JD." He kisses me again trailing down the tears to my lips. "I've always loved you...Your not alone, you never were."

"Thank you." I mummble against his lips.

And then finally, finally I kiss him back. Drawing him close and reveling in the touch against my body. Wringing my fingers through his curls as I back against the wall. Berating him with more kisses. Finally I was beggining to care again.