My Sickness

Part 1

I was heading out of my patients room when suddenly I felt dizzy and my world began to swirl. I reached out to grasp the frame of the door, steadying my tired body.

"Julie, you O.K there?" Dr. Cox had somehow seen my distress, and was at my side in a stride.

My mentor was always there. No matter how often he said he didn't care.

"Yea I'm fine. I must have just caught a cold or something." I lifted my head to meet his eyes, biting my lower lip as I fought the nausea growing in my stomach.

"Go lie down, I'll get someone to cover your patient."

"Thanks Dr. Cox" I gave a wary smile, and stumbled out of the room. Vaguely catching is worried frown from the corner of my eye.

The truth was it wasn't a cold, and I knew damn well it wasn't. I had been sick for weeks, unexplainable aches and nausea, but I was to stubborn to believe it was serious enough to get checked out. But as the sickness seized to stop I couldn't help but begin to worry for my health.

I finally made it to the on-call room and let out a deep sigh. Carefully easing myself into the single comforting thing in the room, the sofa. I laid there for a long time, staring aimlessly at the blank walls as rest seemed to elude me. My body was throbbing and a new pain had started. It was a strong thump between my eyebrows and trailed down steadily to my throat, vaguely similar to a migraine, but there was another pain weaved between it, a sharp burn that inflamed my head in spurts.

I couldn't drift to sleep, or relax at the least. My body was in sheer pain, and the nausea from before continued to creep into my stomach.

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"Newbie. Newbie? Newbie!" I must have dozed off because I was awoken to a bewildered Dr. Cox above me. Shaking me by the shoulder gently, probably to get me up.

"Sorry, Must have dozed off." I said tiredly, a little stunned with how weak my voice sounded.

"Sit up!" Dr. Cox growled, his expression something unreadable.

I did as I was told, a little shakily.

"I said I was so-" I froze when Dr. Cox reached over to pinch my nose, and gingerly lifted my chin up with his other hand. "Dr. Cox?" I whispered a bit confused.

"You weren't answering my pages, so I came here ready to yell my lungs out, and I find you, sleeping on the couch with a bloody nose."

I furrow my eye brows. Bloody nose? That's not good is it?

"From the looks of it, you've probably had it since I sent you to lie down... You know how long ago that was?" He shakes his head in dread. "2 hours ago. And just look at you, your as pale as... as I don't even know." He lets out a strained sigh.

"That explains it." I mumble, staring at the ceiling

"Explains what." Perry questions as he rises a few feet to meet my gaze. Still pinching my nose shut.

"Oh... I had an awful head ache."

"Jd. How long has this been going on?"

"A couple of weeks." I say, knowing well I shouldn't have said it.

"Did it occur to you to, I dunno, see a doctor!" He lifts my right arm and presses my fingers to the bridge of my nose. Letting go of it himself. "You need to get checked out." He begins to assure me out of the room.

"I'm fine-" My voice grows airy as I am dragged towards the door, and suddenly my head is spinning again. I loose my footing and my knees buckle. I begin to fall so fast I am unable to stop my self. But strong hands are around my waist. Steadying me up and I am amble to stand again.

"Atta boy." Dr. Cox whispers, as I adjust my footing. Clutching my nose shut again. "Maybe I should get you on a gurney."

I nod vaguely.

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I must have blacked out because when I awoke once again I was on a gurney. And Dr. Cox was wheeling me down the hall to some place.

"What happened?" I ask confused.

"Shh. Save your strength Newbie." He looks down at me and gives me a little smirk. Hmmm I don't get many of those.

My eyes grow wide when the gurney finally stops and I'm face to face with an MRI machine.

"What! Why are we here?"

"Lillian you need to get checked out, you blacked out."

"Dr. Cox I have a cold. It's nothing." I laugh nervously, hoping it will ease the awkwardness of the situation but he just frowns at me.

"No Jd, 20 something year olds don't just, Black Out! And they don't have 2 hour long bloody noses either." He pats me on the shoulder before I'm handed off to the MRI technician.

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It had been hours since I was out of that wretched MRI machine, and now I was attempting to rest in a quiet, expressionless hospital room. Counting down the minutes till Dr. Cox would walk in with the test results.

As much as I wanted to keep telling myself I had been sick with a simple cold, deep down my chest clenched... because I knew it was something serious. Something very serious and I didn't want to hear what it was.

I had been lost in my thoughts, twisting my bed sheets nervously between my fingers when the door slowly turned open. And Dr. Cox walked in, almost a pained expression on his face.

I felt a knot form in my throat. This was not going to end well.

"What is it." I ask, dread very evident in my voice as well as my expression.

"Newbie, there’s no easy way to tell you this. But you have cancer." He looked away towards the expressionless walls that I had earlier been examining myself.

"That sucks" I whisper, a wave of even more tangled thoughts jarring my mind.

I faintly hear A small growl reverberate in Dr. Cox's throat.

"Why didn't you tell me you where sick, why didn't you get checked out earlier Newbie?" He looks at me, his blue eyes questioning.

"I don’t know... I thought it was nothing. I thought I had a cold." I say in wonder. "I'm gonna die... God."

He whistles, and it startles me. "Your not gonna die." He brushes a hand through his curly hair. " I'll do everything in my power to get you better. Your not gonna die. You hear me?" He puts a hand to my shoulder.

If it had been any other time I would have been squealing like a girl, but now, though Cox was showing affection it didn't matter. I shrug his arm off of my shoulder.

"I hear you." I say softly.

He frowns and rests his hand on his leg. A little hurt by my action.

"God why couldn't it be a cold?" A pained laugh escapes through my teeth and I sink into the bed. Wishing for all the world that this wasn't happening.

"God I dunno Kid." He says softly.

And then the room is silent.

Part 2

I was 28, and already death was awaiting me. I couldn't help but feel as if my whole life had been a waste. I had spent nearly all of it studying and training to be a doctor, and now- now that I had finally made it, my life was ending.

I stifled a sob that crept into my throat, but it was to much and I slowly let it out. I was alone after all, no need to bottle up my emotions when the room was deserted. Tears were running down my cheeks now, and I wrung the bed sheets hard in my hands, willing the hollowness forming in my chest away. But it stuck, stinging, causing more tears to fall.

"It's so unfair." I whispered between hiccupped sobs. "I don't want to die." I sounded for all the world like a child, a very scared child. I looked up towards the door, a part of yearning for someone to come in and hold me. I didn't know how to deal with this, it was happening to me and I didn't know what to do.

Suddenly throbbing erupted in my head, and I soon forgot about crying. The sobs quickly turning into winces. In the span of a minute all that I could think of was the pain. My head nearly felt like it was going to explode. I sat there slumped in white bed sheets, jaw clenched, and eyes shut tight.

I vaguely registered the door of my room opening and the strong footsteps of Dr. Cox enter and walk over to my bedside. My hands were at my temples. Massaging the invisible explosions that shook my body with light tremors.

"Newbie?" I could hear Dr. Cox say, but all I could do was continue to rub the tips of my fingers in small circles, all in a vain attempt to stop the throbbing somewhat. Quickly, nausea in my gut becoming very strong, bile rising up my esophagus and threatening to let up.

"Dr. Cox, I think..." I bit my bottom lip, looking up blearily at him and meeting his gaze, I could see concern faintly in his features. I could feel my face steadily raising in temperature as I tried hard to keep down the contents of my stomach. He understood perfectly and rushed into the bathroom for a bucket that was always kept there for strict measure. I narrowed my eyes as I waited for his return, the bile was so strong now. I relaxed somewhat when he emerged seconds later with a pale in hand, quickly placing it against my chest. The second it brushed against the bottom of my chin I was gagging, the wretched bile that had been slowly rising up my throat emptying effortlessly into the plastic pail. I grimaced in disgust as I gagged again and again, my body riding my stomach of the little food I had managed to get down in the last 24 hours.

The nausea was finally gone a good 15 minutes later. I was exhausted, panting, and now slumped up against the wall with my knees pulled up close to my chest. A thin layer of sweat now covered my entire body, and my face felt beet red.

"Feeling better." Dr. Cox questioned, reaching over to take the bucket from before my body. Not a bit phased by its contents. I nodded weakly, and watched him disappear into the bathroom.

I soon realize that the throbbing pain in my head was gone, it had disappeared just as suddenly as it had started.

I look up when Dr. Cox enters the room again, a bottle of water in hand. "Rosalinda, drink up." I ignore the girls name.

"Thanks." I take the bottle in my shaking hand and gulp it down immediately, pleased when the bitter taste of bile seizes to linger in my mouth. He's watching me and frowning all the while, probably wondering how I had been working all this time. I, John Dorian, didn't even have the answer to that.

"So." He says sharply, reaching over to grab my chart from the foot of my bed. "Nausea, and vomiting." He begins to jot the apparent symptoms down. "Any other symptoms you experienced this morning Newbie?"

"Uhh... yea. Massive Headache." I sink down from the wall, pulling my self into the covers, and my head begins to swim, I blink at my swirling vision musing at the circling ceiling, it continues. "You can add dizziness to that too." I reach towards the ceiling, but my arms are heavy, and I reluctantly lay them down at my side. Sighing inwardly. "So what’s the news with the tumor." I look towards Dr. Cox, he's spinning inward and outward, like I'm looking through a glass of water.

"Well the CT scan, MRI scan, and the angiograms that we took all show that the cancer is in your brain stem, which you already know. It has spread quite a bit. So.. we won't be able to operate, not just yet ." He slowly walks closer to my side, continuing to sway all the while.

"Figured as much." I look away, sinking into the pillow further and shutting my uncooperative eyes.

"We're gonna have to start chemo as soon as possible. Like today."

"Today?" I say softly still closing my eyes.

"Yes, Cinderella today, are you worried about missing the ball? Because I assure you it's not that important. Little ol' prince charming can live without a girly girl puking all over his ball room floor..." I open my eyes as he finishes the short rant just in time to see him give me an annoyed look. I should probably keep from asking stupid questions.

A grunt escapes through his thin slightly parted lips. "I'm gonna draw some blood from you, Got it? And an Oncologist will be here after we get the blood work back. Compile the chemo regime and what not. Hopefully after the treatment we can go ahead with the surgery." He signs the chart and puts it back on the foot of my bed. I sigh a bit to loudly and he notices my crestfallen expression. "Everything will be fine Newbie."

I nod weakly, somehow not able to gather even an ounce of hope. I was a doctor, I knew my lingering fate.

A whistle suddenly stings my eardrums. "O.k. stretch out your arm. You know how this works Clarissa." Dr. Cox raises his eyebrows at me, expertly tying a rubber band only inches under my elbow, my vain instantly swelling. "Look away, close your eyes or something." He says, but shrugs when I settle on staring straight at the syringe in his hands. "Barely a pinch." He trails off and In a minute it's done. It was odd how gentle Cox's touch was, and I realized why in spite of his rash and blatant attitude patients always seemed to love him. Well maybe not love but you get the point.

I watched him as he discarded the syringe in the waste basket across the room, all the while keeping the vial of blood in hand. Soon encasing a label around it and sticking it in his lab coat pocket. "I'll check on yea later Cinderella, and lighten up, the dishes will be waiting for you when this is all over with." He turns sharply on his heel and exits the room. When the door gently shuts behind him. The room is silent and empty again, and a knot slowly grows in my throat. Emotions ensuing within me.