My Shattered Reality

Chapter 8 My Unwanted Past

BEEEEEEEEEEE-

I switched the damn heart monitor off a day after my impression on Cox and sighed at my patient who just went sour on me.

“Calling it at 7:03 am,” Cox himself said. I watched her body be wrapped up. God damn, she was only eight years old! Why did she have to die NOW? She had a full life ahead of her.

“Nothing could be done,” Cox said. I nodded and my face went blank.

“Another patient, another number…just another nobody.”

He frowned.

“Newbie…denial isn’t going to work. I know, I’ve tried.”

“It works for me.” Was all I said. I sighed and walked out and ducked into the medical supply closet. I shuddered but refused to cry. I looked to my left and saw a scalpel.

I grabbed the thing and looked at my forearm. I traced the scarring-cross on my arm before I took the scalpel and pressed it against my skin a little bit above the cross, and dragged it across.

I did feel the pain, but I felt a slight sense of peace fall over me, as well. I twisted the knife and dragged it down, making a little triangle. I suppose that I was being a bit of a masochist, I was starting to actually enjoy this. But I turned the knife again and again until I hade five cuts in the shape of a star.

I honestly, at the moment, wanted to just stay here for a while longer. Let the pain and peace wash over me and rest. Seeing as I hadn’t slept in…32 hours, and I haven’t eaten in like three and a half days. But I had a job to do. I glanced down at my arm. The tip of the star was directly above the point of the cross. It looked kinda cool.

I took a few white bandages and wrapped them around the star, as it was still dripping a little blood, and I pulled my sleeve down over it. There. Looked completely normal.

I got up and hissed as I hit my head on something. It was on my temple. Oh, well, it’ll be all right.

I walked out and started back on my rounds.

“JD!”

“Hey, Elliot,” I sounded completely normal. I turned around as she was talking.

“Oh my god I heard that sweet eight year old girl died just a little while and I know that you really liked her and all and what happened to your head?”

“Huh?”

“Hold on…” She looked over and grabbed a tissue from someplace and dabbed at my head. It came back down with a few drops of blood.

“Oh…uh, I was in the closet and I got up and hit it against something.”

“Oh! I totally know the whole cry in a closet feeling-”

“I wasn’t crying!” She looked taken aback. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t crying. I was just collecting myself.”

She rolled her eyes and nodded.

“Men!”

“Elliot, I’m serious. I haven’t cried at all in two years and not in front of anyone for the last four or five. Think about it…have you ever actually seem me cry?”

She frowned in thought.

“Actually…in the last six years, since we were interns and first met and I’ve known you…no. Never. I have never seen you cry. Seen watery eyes, but not actually crying. How do you do that? You didn’t even cry for your dad!”

“I grew up with absolutely no one caring about crying. It’s actually really easy, just think of anything and everything happy that have nothing to do with the situation and boom!”

Actually, I just didn’t cry, but I needed to tell her something.

“Thanks, JD. I’ll try that sometime!”

“Barbie, Newbie, even though I am sure you two gals are having so much fun planning your weekend trip to the mall, you two have things to do called JOBS!” We both rolled our eyes, nodded, and walked off.

About two hours later, I sighed and leaned against the nurse’s station, filling out a few charts, and listening to Laverne talking to Carla.

“Mh hm…Honey, you are going to rise right back sweetie…yeah, bring the baby sometime…bring your baby to work day or something. Hm? Yeah, yeah…no, not yet…yes, we did those orders…Carla! You’re on paid maternity leave! You’re not supposed to even think about work! Just save that for ten days from now…no, just Q-Tip here…Q-Tip, you wann say hi?” she said, glaring at me. I nodded and turned back, while she continued chatting.

“Yeah, so…no, he’s dating some Luke guy here, he’s new…oh, yes, she’s also dating Jackal here…mm hmm, this is getting better and better. Yeah…mysteries? Well, we still haven’t figures out what our lunch is made up of. We….yeah, I am still trying to figure out if she’s taken or not…oh, yeah…yeah, half hour ago they found some blood drops on the medical supply closet floor, want to know what’s going on…”

I froze. Damnit. Okay, we have blood testing areas…but the thing is, they may be able to find out it’s me…so I figure I might as well stop a situation before it stops.

“Laverne, that blood was mine.”

“What?”

“I hit and cut my head on something by accident.”

“Blood’s Q-Tip’s from hitting his head.”

I think I heard a little shouting…but Laverne calmed her down somehow and I walked off to see Dr. Cox, wondering what he just paged me about.

“What did you want, Dr. Cox?”

“You’re taking this anemia. Woman’s period hasn’t stopped for the last five weeks.”

I winced and looked at the forty-ish woman. She did look a little pale.

“Right on it.” I took the chart as he walked out to do god knows what.

“Right-o…Mrs. Johanasson…sounds Irish…anyway, we’ll see what the problem is and until then we’ll out on some IV and try and avoid a blood transfusion if possible.

“Thank you,” she said gratefully. “I hate periods.”

“From what I know, all women do.”

“They are utter hell…”

“I wouldn't know. We’ll get you fixed up good as new as soon as possible. Don’t worry too much we got some of the best service around here in town. A surgical consult will be by later today, but right now I have rounds to do.”

I think she looked a little more cheerful as I walked out. Good. I somehow ended up a bit more depressed…I think it was because she reminded me a bit of that eight-year-old who just died a few hours ago, because they both looked alike, even though they weren’t even remotely related.

I sighed and went out the room only to be caught by Turk.

“Hey, JD. We were wondering if we could throw a house warming party for your new apartment, now that you got the furniture?”

I smile and nod happily. I am essentially lying, for I would rather just be alone. But hey, why not go for it? I needed to do a few things to keep them happy.

He grinned like a maniac at my affirmative answer.

“Dude, this is awesome. Oh, and guess what? Carla and I have narrowed it down to two possible houses.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, man. I think we know what we’re going to pick, but we’ll take a look just in case. But when we do, and we get the floor plans and stuff for the nursery, think you got a few ideas?”

I nodded.

“A few. Any requests?”

“Gotta have a brown and a white bear in there somewhere.”

“I will. I was thinking along a Candyland-Jungle thing…what do you think?”

“A bit more jungle, though, man, cuz otherwise our kid’s going to be an obese kid and I don’t want to have her on any diets this young, and I am not letting her get fat. I have SEEN the insides of fat people, and let me tell you: It ain’t pretty.”

I laughed a little and nodded, and we went our separate ways. I actually went into the stairwell for some privacy, for I felt all of a sudden a little shaky.

I got in and the door closed which was good because I leaned against the rail and knew it was the only reason why at the moment I wasn’t falling down these stairs.

I knew I needed to eat something soon and if I didn’t, the first thing coming was falling over and passing out.

What to eat, what to eat…if I eat way too much or something, then I know I’ll puke. I’m trying to think of something that’ll have a lot of protein and stuff in it to last me a while.

I smirk…pharmacy should have something designed just for that. Not the best tasting, but it does work wonders.

I somehow managed to stagger down to the pharmacy.

“Jenny!” I called out. She smiled. Something was different…oh, maybe it was the fact that the front strands of her blonde hair were suddenly dyed a bright, pastel blue.

“Who ya hiding from, this time?” She asked.

“No one. I am basically starving but nauseous so I need like the most packed up protein bar or whatever to last me for the next eight hours or so.”

She nodded and walked over to a nearby shelf.

“Three dollars…”

Crap.

But then she opened the register, reached into her purse and put in three dollars.

“You owe me three later.”

I nodded in thanks and started eating slowly. Just as I was finishing, a young teenager came up behind Jenny. She had black hair with the front strands dyed red. She had her ears pierced and a ring in thecartilage on the right ear as well, and when she opened her mouth in a yawn, I saw her tongue was pierced, too. She was wearing a black, red, and silver tartan skirt (don’t ask how I know what tartan is) and a black shirt that said “You poke me, I stab you” and some weird arm warmers, as well.

“Oh, yeah. Ally, meet a friend and colleague of mine, JD.”

“Nice to meet you,” She said, offering her a hand. I don’t know what I was expecting, but she actually sounded sweet and honest and like a normal, preppy girl.

“JD, please meet my daughter, Ally.”

“Ditto,” I smiled. I knew the story behind Jenny having a teenager. When most saw her, they assumed that Jenny and Ally were some teenage pregnancy case, but not quite. Jenny had been married and they adopted an eight year old. They divorced, she kept custody, though the young girl apparently still went to see her dad often.

That divorce was over six years ago, apparently.

What? Jenny and I talked a lot whenever I hid down here!

So Ally left to meet with her friend or something and Jenny looked back at me and frowned.

“When was the last time you ate a damn thing?”

“Just like ten seconds ago.”

“Before that?”

“Er…”

“JD…” she said warningly. I swallowed. At the moment I was exhausted so I didn’t think I couldn’t lie to her outright.

“Long time.”

“How long?”

“Three…days…ish…”

Her eyes widened.

“JD, why?”

“Not feeling that well.”

“Then should you be working?”

“It’s not physical…a bunch of stress and problems piling up at once and I get this constant nausea…I’m fine, that’s why I had this bar thing, to feel better.”

She slowly nodded and her pager then beeped and she rolled her eyes.

“Another morphine issue. Catch ya later, and eat something!”

We both went back to our daily lives.

Good thing, because that left the place pretty clean. Carla, Turk, Keith, and Elliot were coming in a little later and we were going to have a ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ marathon.

I sighed and opened my window. I liked being in the center floor. I was on the third floor in a five-story building.

But I heard a noise below and looked down. There was a haggard black kitten staring right back up at me from a branch of the tree that was less than two feet from my window. I softened up, because it looked pretty hungry and homeless. I know some people would say that with all the possible diseases and stuff it was probably carrying this was stupid but I couldn’t just let it starve or freeze to death, could I?

But even I wasn’t completely stupid. I had an idea. I walked over to the kitchen and poured some milk onto a small plate, and walked back to the window and slid off the screen, before setting the milk on it.

The kitten seemed to judge it for a few moments, before it jumped up and started licking at it, all the while keeping a hesitant eye on me. I smiled and backed up. Even though this little guy was small enough to fit in the palm of my hand, it was a tough cat.

It seemed to be done and watched me for a few more moments, before it jumped back off the sill and disappeared into the plant life below.

I put the little plate back in the sink and flopped down and put my iPod in its speaker-charger dock. I set it to my playlist of Journey songs and sat back in my hammock to doze…

“I’m coming!” I said when the doorbell rang an hour and a half later. I fell out of my hammock and opened the door.

“JD!” Carla said. “What was that thud?”

“My attempt to gracefully and naturally slide off of my hanging sleeping area.”

“He fell outta the hammock,” Turk clarified as he walked in, holding Izzy. “Nice place, dude.”

“Thanks. Here, I got a bunch of pillows for Izzy…”

We set up and Keith smiled when he looked out the window.

“You live right across from the Pizza place and 7-11? Lucky!”

“I know, this place is awesome. I have to wonder how or why it’s so cheap…but I’m not complaining.”

“The water and electricity is probably soon going to be crap,” Elliot said.

“Elliot!” Carla still felt a little undignified about swearing around the baby. But she looked down and realized that Izzy was asleep.

We set her in my bedroom and then settled down to watch the movies.

I looked at the patient in front of me and sighed as I looked at her test results.

“Mrs. Takaruka, you have an abdominal cystic lymphangioma. It’s basically a tumor in your immune system production glands. This is our oncologist and you two can discuss your options and you will also be able to get a surgical consult later today.”

With that I walked out and walked straight over to the nurses’ station.

“Laverne, when’s Carla coming back again?”

“You know when, Q-Tip. Gon' be a while.”

“Damnit, these patients are getting way out of hand. Too many are dying.”

“That’s because no one around here cares weather or not the live or die so people just do what they want with their lives without thinking of the consequences.” What the hell, did Newbie just say all that walking past me in one breath? Breath, you little twerp!

“Breath, you little twerp,” I muttered to myself.

“It’s fun not to!” He shouted over his shoulder at me. Did he hear me from down the hall and say it’s fun not to breathe? How could he hear me from all the way down there?! Damnit.

“Newbie! Get your ass back over here right now!”

I think he rolled his eyes, because his eye balls were dropping down as he turned to see me. He walked right back over and looked down at the chart I was shoving at him.

“I’ll take care of it after rounds,” he said blankly. Whoa, ten seconds ago he was being sarcastic and now blank? I couldn’t get an emotional read off of him, and that was rather disturbing, seeing as I used to be able to pinpoint what was wrong from miles away and easily exploit it so he’d shut up and listen to me.

He walked off and I sighed. It’s been a month since his brother’s visit, and quite frankly, something happened, something was said, because Newbie, who had been getting out of that stupid depression, was now almost as apathetic as I was.

Almost.

It was getting ridiculous. I mean, I knew how to deal with the real and normal Newbie, the one who followed me around like a lost puppy for no real reason and always asking me for advice on the stupidest little things.

But I have no idea what to do with this guy. He was not who he was used to, and quite frankly, that honestly scared me a little bit. I don’t like not knowing how to deal with something.

I just didn’t like to be out of control.

I sighed as I walked away from my patient. Why was Cox suddenly piling a bunch more patients on me all at once? I had to wonder what pole was shoved up his ass.

I checked the time. Well, ten minutes until I was off work. But honest to God I did not feel like staying inside much longer, unless I needed to.

The walk to the roof was short and I sat down on this specific ledge, my ledge, so that I was sitting on it and leaning against the wall, as well. I suppose it was a little dangerous because the ledge was only about sixteen inches wide, which meant if I scooched over a little bit, then I would fall five stories to my doom.

It’s amazing, really. When I took a look out at the city, I honestly though it looked pretty. But when I though about it, I realized this is the same city with the dumpsters and littered streets and broken street lights and hobos and hookers and everything else that made you think it was ugly. From a distance…it looked amazing.

I shut my eyes and let the chilling breeze blow right over me. It was calming, and it seemed to numb me over.

After a little while, I looked down at my watch, and saw I had been up here for about twenty minutes, which meant I was now off call and off work. But I didn’t want to get back down.

So I just sighed and leaned my head back. I know it sounds cheesy, but I liked to watch the sun set. It was like watching my sadness go down. I am not sure why I was depressed. I think that was because I was slowly starting to remember everything in my childhood that I didn’t want to. Or maybe it was because six of my patients from that seven-car pile-up died on me. Six dead…in two hours. I figured that with the wounds that they had coming in, I thought they had a chance.

I guess I was losing it. Damn.

I think that I dozed off a little bit, because I woke up a little later, looked at my watch, and realized I had been there for almost a whole hour.

It was finally dark out, and cold. Very, very, very cold, cold enough that scrubs and a white coat did next to nothing to help. Everything else was frosting over, and if the air and wind had been right it probably would have been snowing heavily, but it wasn’t. In this part of California, it never was.

I leaned my head back and let it roughly hit the wall behind me. I did that again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.

I was starting to get dizzy, but-

“Newbie!”

What the heck? What did he want from me now of all times? I was off work!

“Yeah?” There – short and to the point.

“You do realize you were off work officially as of an hour and a half ago?”

“Yeah…”

“Have you been here all this time?”

“Yeah…”

He looked at me oddly.

“Is that all you can say?”

I finally looked at him.

“What. Do. You. Want?”

“Gandhi saw your bike and told me to find you.”

“Tell him I’m fine. Just too tired at the moment to get up.”

He looked at me carefully.

“You’re on the verge of hypothermia.”

“Honest to God, I don’t give a damn. If you don’t need me for anything, leave me alone.”

“I’m not going to let you stay up here to freeze to death. Carla will hold me responsible.”

“I’m fine.”

“You are not and you know it.”

I just blinked and turned away, leaning my head back.

“Newbie…seven people died on you today, including that little girl. I know the feeling.”

“Leave me alone.” Damnit, couldn’t he get it? I just wanted to be alone for the moment. That little girl…why couldn’t I get Cindy out of my mind? I mean, only eight years old, I get it…just get the hell out of my mind and let me trudge through life in peace!

“That little girl, isn’t it?”

“Shut up.”

“You’re not the only one stuck on her. But forget her.”

“What do you think I’m trying to do?”

He shivered and frowned in thought at me.

“If you’re going to forget her, do it someplace where you’re not going to freeze to death.”

“I said I’m fine and I am.”

He shook his head, grabbed my arm, and jerked me down. I landed on my hands and knees, scraping them and my elbows and chest and face, and seeing as I just fell three feet down and hit my face on the ground I think I got a black eye.

“Going to cry?” he said, smirking.

I shook my head and tried to stand up, but fell right back down, stiff from sitting in the same exact position for an hour and a half.

“Newbie, I’m not going to carry you back down.”

“Then go, I’ll be down as soon as I can stand up.”

He took a few steps but turned to glare at me. I knew he wouldn’t just leave me up here, because we both knew the high likelihood that I would stay up here even after I could walk.

So after a few moments I managed to stand fully upright. It was painful, but manageable.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Absolutely nothing.”

“After staying up here in full wind and twenty degrees in a half-fetal position for an hour and a half and you want to tell me that you’re standing up and fine? I don’t think so, Newbie. I am going to watch you walk, but only so that Gandhi and Carla can’t accuse me of anything.”

“Go on with your own life and I’ll tell him you made sure I was all right.”

He frowned but slowly nodded. When I took one last look out at the city, I hear his footsteps go away, and the door opening and shutting, and just sat back on the ledge. Why couldn’t people just leave me alone?

I grabbed my pager and paged to Turk, cox found me, go on, i’ll be fine, and just took a look up. I found a constellation, Andromeda, and then Sirius Major, then Cassiopeia, then I went on to find a few others. I took an elective on that in high school. Actually, while most people took advanced levels of different electives, I took many, and then used that to learn more about it on my own…and most of those skills I got I never really showed to other people. Like I can draw Manga…mostly. Always have troubled with faces, for some reason, not quite sure why…a bit of real life sketching…and I am awesome with computers.

I remember that out of mom’s seventy-two boyfriends she had since dad while I still lived with her (yes, I was counting), she only had about nine…ten? No, nine, that didn’t like beating the crap out of me, and one of them actually showed me a lot more about hacking and software and stuff like that. I could probably hack into almost any hospital database I wanted to, and fix the software. Actually, I think he worked for some security company – as a hacker he knew what exactly to defend against.

Those electives were really rather helpful.

And let’s see…I actually took one on finances and stock market and stuff…and some stupid think on photography and movie making and stuff. Rest of them were pointless, at least to me. Although I can play a little bit of electric guitar and I can cook, too. Hell, I took Choir once, so I can sing a little bit…actually, I took a year of Spanish, and even remember it all…Carla just doesn’t speak much Spanish around me, and when she does she usually talks too fast…maybe I can ask her for help to brush up on it again…then I can sing a Spanish song again…

I got a page and looked down, and it was from Cox.

Liar. Get down, now.

What the heck? How would he know-

“Newbie.”

I shut my eyes, pressed my lips, turned on my heel, and walked away from him.

“You have some explaining to do this instant and if you don’t-”

“I’m off work, I’m ignoring you, I don’t care.” I kept walking, and I think he might be in shock.

Finally. Score one for me, the worthless, desperate doctor who isn’t sure what’s worth living for anymore.

I made it downstairs, got on my bike, and drove back home.

When I got there, I sighed half an hour after I sat down on my couch. I felt a little restless…again.

I walked over to the window and opened it, and climbed onto the sill. I jumped out and grabbed a branch, and was swinging by it from one hand. I used my other hand to grab it, as well and I swung my foot over it, before crouching on the branch. I was alarmingly good at climbing just about anything and jumping fences and such, having much practice from when I was young.

I crouched on the branch and slowly turned and gabbed another, climbed on, and stood on it before jumping to another one, higher.

I went that way before I got to the top, from which I could jump to the roof, which you could otherwise only get to through a fire escape. There was even a way to get to the top of the little shed type thing that covered the stairs up here, for it was right against the half wall railing the roof, so one could just climb up to that, which I did.

I got there and smiled at the view I got of the sky, laying back to look at it, propped up by the heels of my palm.

I don’t know how long I lay there just watching the stupid sky, long enough to doze off and wake up again, but after what I think was a few hours I was got off and went back into my apartment.

I woke up the next morning. I, as usual, didn’t even know what the date was, and vaguely realized it was Friday. I had tomorrow off, and I guess that was good.

I got to work and frowned when Turk and Elliot were whispering, but stopped when I got near.

“What’s up?”

“Patient…” Elliot said. I am going to go on a long shot and say they screwed up on something.

At least it wasn't just me.

So I just kept walking, looking at my charts, and dealing with my patients, glad I didn’t screw up as often as before. Yep, some things never changed.

What was hard, though, was Michelle Analise – a rape victim. The guy shot her gut and I was treating her…but she was having trouble talking about it, which she needed to, and we needed her to tell us who did this to her

At first Elliot tried to get her to talk, but even though Elliot managed to finally control her pointless rambling around patients and focus solely on them, Michelle still hadn’t opened up.

I decided to try.

“Doctor Cox.”

“What-”

“I need you to cover all my pages and patients for the next half hour or so while I talk to a rape victim.”

“Who?”

“Michelle.”

“How likely is she going to open up to a male? She didn’t even open up to Barbie-”

“I’m more emotionally grounded and you know it.”

I handed him my pager and patient files and walked off before he could change his mind, and I knocked on Michelle’s door. I made it a point to do so, a mistake many other doctors of patients made when they just walked into patient’s rooms

“Come in, Dr. Dorian.” I, of course, also had a habit of knocking in a slight pattern to give them a sense of control. I’m not a psychologist, but I know a lot about this…even though I was never raped or molested or anything like that, I think I knew what she was going through a bit more than Elliot or anyone else around here, so far as I knew.

I walked in and walked over to her bedside, making sure to be a little slow, and started adjusting her IV. I was going to do that later today, anyway.

But when I was done, I sat on a chair by the window. She looked at me nervously.

“Michelle…I know a lot of people have tried to get you to open up, and tell us what happened and who did this.”

“I said I’m not saying anything.” She said, glaring at me. “Nothing happened.”

I nodded and simply sat back in the chair. After about five minutes of silence, she looked at me oddly.

“What, no grilling me?”

“I already asked you what I was wanted to. And if you don’t want to tell me about this, what would you want to tell me? There’s not point in asking again and again if you aren’t going to answer the first time, now is there?”

“What?” then she frowned. “Why would you stay? You have a job.”

“I’m covered for quite a while. I’ll stay here as long as I can without killing a patient. And unless we have a train wreck code, that’s not going to happen.”

She glared at sat back in her bed defiantly. She was rather small for twenty-four, but she was smart, I knew that. Just not in this.

“What do you want?” she asked after another ten minutes of us just sitting in silence.

“I already told you: I want you to open up and I want to know who did this to you. He can be caught…”

“No, he can’t.” She said.

“Yes, he can, if you tell us who, we can-”

“He’s a cop! He knows how they think and he’ll weasel his way right out of it!” She screamed at me. Then her eyes widened and she gasped, and she just turned over and dug her face into her pillow.

And I realized she was chocking back sobs.

“I know you don’t care what I think, but I might as well say it: It’s okay to cry.”

She suddenly sat up and glared at me angrily, with a few tears of what I think may have partially been anger streaming down her face.

“You think you can tell me that? You don’t have a right to! You don’t know what it’s like!”

“You’re right, I don’t.”

She looked taken aback.

“Let me guess: you’re surprised I’m admitting that I lived a good life and all? Look, I’m not going to lie and make up some abuse or some rape or ‘I was shot’ story or anything like that like most other doctors do. But you’re right, I don’t know what it’s like, and that’s why I’m asking you. I’m asking you what it’s like so I can help you.”

She stared at me.

“Why do you care?” She asked me.

“Because it’s my job.”

She just huffed, shook her head, and lay back once again.

“You don’t really care, do you? I’m just another patient to you.”

“You’re right.”

She blinked and looked up at me.

“You’re right. Once you’re better, I probably will treat other patients, likely a few like you, and soon I won’t remember you. But right now, while you’re my patient, I do care. At least I’m a bit more honest than the average doctor.”

“Is it worth it?”

“Yes, it is. If you’re not going to talk to me about it, fine. You’ll be getting a psyche reference, anyway. But at least tell me who so I can make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

“There’s not way to protect me.”

“Yes, there is. We have his fluids. If you give us a name, we can legally test him, weather he does so willingly or not, and we can land him in the slammer and make sure he can’t hurt you again.”

“He’s a cop. They’ll never believe it. At the worst, he’ll probably just say it was consensual, or figure out a way to make it look like it was.”

I shook my head.

“You’d be surprised.”

“How? I just said-“

“Look, at best, we can get him arrested. At worst, you would legally be able to get a restraining order with this, even if he doesn’t get arrested. If he violates it, then he can get arrested, even if he makes it look like consensual sex, it was a court order violation.”

Her eyes watered a little but she blinked them back.

“It’s called logic, Michelle.”

“The cop…he’s my ex-boyfriend. Dylan Johnson.”

I grinned.

“Don’t worry. He’s never going to get near you again.”

She nodded, and I got up. This time I readjusted the blood-drip, and I tried to get her to talk about what happened…but she wouldn’t open up on that part.

After that half hour of trial and failure, I knew I had to go, with no choice, so I got up and told her she’ll be all right.

When I went outside, I quickly ran over to Laverne.

“Tell the cops not to go near Michelle.”

“They need to get a statement.”

“One problem: an inside man is the one who did this. If they must, make sure Dylan Johnson doesn’t go near her, and make sure to figure out a way to test him for fluids.”

She shook her head to herself, but nodded. Unfortunately, I turned and bumped right into Cox. Just as he opened his mouth, I spoke.

“Thank you for covering me, and I’ll take my pager and files back, now.”

“How did you do that?”

“What?”

“How did you fucking get her to talk?”

“I didn’t. All I got was this name.”

“She didn’t open up to Barbie but she did to you? Tell me, now, so I don’t ever have to do this again – ask you to talk to them, I mean.”

“Elliot and you and everyone else…they do and ask out of a textbook.” He slowly nodded his head.

“You didn’t?”

“No. Everyone’s different. You have to use different tactics on different people. Sure, many of them respond to the normal way, but not all.”

He stared at me in a slight shock, but then he jammed my pager at me and walked away.

But just before I clipped the thing to my belt, it rang, and it was from Turk.

Staff lounge, now.

What now?

But I was met in shock at what I saw. Carla, with the baby, Turk, Elliot, Doug, The Todd, and Keith all standing around a very small cake and Elliot and Keith were holding a small banner that said, ‘Happy Birthday’.

“Harry Birthday!” Turk said.

I stared.

“Today’s my birthday?”

“You know what day it is?”

“Friday…I think…maybe Thursday…”

“Well, now you do know it’s your birthday!”

I gulped as they started singing. Damnit. I forgot my own birthday? Wait…I’m 31, now. But still…an actual cake…damn, I never really had parties, so I forgot.

I also wasn’t all that fond of my own birthday. Over the years as a kid, I never got any parties or anything so I made it a point to mostly forget (with the exception of the triathlon last year). Hell, sometimes, if a guy found out it was my birthday, they went out of their way to make me miserable.

So I forced a smile and walked over, and blew out a 31 candle on the tiny cake and Turk immediately started slicing the cake.

“Thanks…I’m glad someone remembered…seeing as I didn’t.”

“You didn’t?” Carla asked.

“Nah.”

“How come?”

“I dunno…never celebrate my birthday.”

“Then how do you ever know how old you are?”

“Same thing every year except last year: I just forget my birthday, about two weeks later, more or less, when someone asks me how old I am, then I remember that a few weeks before was my birthday.”

She frowned, but we all split the cake and passed it around. Turk got the last leftover slice for his diabetes.

“JD,” Turk said as he sat down. “For the last almost thirteen years I’ve known you, this is only the second time I’ve ever remembered it on your birthday, and otherwise don’t realize that you’re ever older until you tell me two weeks later. So, tomorrow on Saturday, just you and me, do whatever you want, my treat.”

“Carla made you rehearse that, didn’t she?”

“Kinda,” she said. “But lucky for him that ‘treat you’ thing was his idea.”

“Turk,” I shifted in my seat to look at him. “Don’t bother man, this is enough.”

“JD, do you realized how bad I always feel whenever I forget your birthday?”

“How can you feel bad about forgetting my birthday when I don’t ever remember my birthday?” I smiled, trying to add some humor so they can lay off a little.

He hadn’t heard my conversation with Carla moments before, so I said, “I never remember it. The reason why I always tell you a few weeks late is because that’s usually when I realize it.”

“JD, you always give me something or do something for me every single birthday, but I never remember yours.”

“That’s a big dent in his pride,” Carla explained as she carefully fed the baby a tiny piece of cake. Elliot took a picture with her phone, and I chuckled a little bit when Carla demanded that picture we sent to her own phone.

He rolled his eyes but then looked at me again.

“Please, man? I never get do anything for you and that makes me feel bad.”

“I have no idea how you got to that.”

“Well, yeah, but you always remember everyone’s birthday.”

I shook my head but then got a page, along with Elliot.

“Angelica’s coding!” we both shouted in alarm and we both ran out of the room, and for the rest of today, I completely forgot my birthday.

But Carla spent the rest of the day going around and introducing everyone to the baby, so she and Turk followed me home for a Gilmore Girls marathon. It was actually kinda fun, but maybe I shouldn’t have told Carla that this was the closest thing to a birthday party I ever had in my life, except for the only other time Turk remembered my birthday, back in college. Izzy fell asleep half way through the marathon and I almost turned off the TV when Carla set her on my hammock, but she just grabbed it and turned the volume down a little instead of turning it off.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Carla said. “A few days ago I was on a Yahoo chatroom about mothering and a mother of a five-year-old said to let babies fall asleep surrounded by a little noise. So that when they’re older they can go to sleep almost anywhere instead of only quiet places. That’s a mistake many moms make, because then it’s harder to get a baby down to sleep if it can only sleep in really quiet places.”

I looked at her.

“You put way too much thought into this.”

At the end of the marathon, Izzy woke up (she wakes up when it’s gets quiet?) and Turk and Carla went home.

The next day, Turk still wanted to take me out on a man-date, so we hung out at the carnival all day. I was a little nervous about getting onto some of the rides, but got on anyway, not quite wanting to confess to Turk that this might be the second time in my whole life I was ever at a carnival, the first being sometime around age nineteen, and that was on a date with a girl who was just as scared of rides as me. So we went on them, and they were a lot more fun than I thought they would be.

Of course, I still worried about how Carla would be handling everything, so I told him to go home a little early anyway. Carla, of course, said that she wanted to put her cooking skills to the test (though she made it a point to tell us she wasn’t becoming a homebody and was still a feminist, just one who could cook without blowing anything up) and made us a chocolate and vanilla cake – one side of the cake was vanilla with chocolate frosting, the other chocolate with vanilla frosting. I asked her how she did that so I can try again one day.

We ate for a while…but then I got the phone call that ruined my perfect birthday weekend.

“Dan?”

“Um…hi, Johnny…we got a problem…bit of a big one…”

“What?”

“Mom’s engaged.”

“So?” I said, hiding a brief smile, with Turk and Carla trying to figure out what my conversation was about from only my side of the conversation. “I’ve never been to any of Mom’s weddings before. This is like what, her ninth husband, right?”

“Tenth.”

“Tenth? She got married and divorced before I even knew it?”

“Las Vegas…even I didn’t know until about two months ago, and according to her, it only lasted about four days, the first one of which was spent completely drunk.”

“Right…so why are you calling me?”

“Guess who she’s engaged to.”

“How should I know? I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend until now-”

“Yes, you did.”

What was he talking about?

“What are you talking about?”

“Remember what I told you? About not coming home?”

For a moment I thought, before it dawned on me.

“Frank Stephan?” I asked.

“Yeah….”

“IS SHE CRAZY?!” I half yelled into the phone. I winced when I remembered Carla was feeing her baby, so I got up and stepped out into the hall.

“Is she crazy?” I asked again.

“That’s what I thought, too.”

“She can’t be…doesn’t she remember…he could rape her…or kill her…or something like that…” I paused, and vaguely reflected on everything she’s done, every time she ignored me when I needed her most…every damn time I hated her. “You know what, Dan? She never took care of me…it’s her problem.”

“She’s our mom, you little bastard.”

“Maybe she’s your mom, but sure as hell not mine.” I paused, and he sighed.

“I know…I just…I still remember the way you looked in that hospital bed after Frank got through with you. I mean…those doctors said your heart stopped twice.”

“I coded twice,” I corrected him. “And that’s not the point. Barbara Hobbs…Barbara Stephan…never was my mom, only my mother.”

“Uh, Johnny…what’s the difference?”

“A mother is the person who gives birth to you, and often nothing more. A mom is someone who cares for you, loves you…protects you. I never had a mom or dad. Just a mother and a father. We were virtual orphans, Dan, and you know it.”

Pause. A long pause.

“I know, Johnny. I know.” A another pause, and then a sigh. “I know I was just there, but would you mind if I hung out with you guys for a little while or something? I can’t stay here anymore, not if Frank is here.”

“Knowing our mother, they’ll be divorced in three months or less.”

“Not this time.”

Now that was surprising.

“What makes you say that?”

“Because this time, I don’t think she married him. He married her.”

“What?” Now I was confused – between us, it’s supposed to be the other way around. He supposed to be confused and not me.

“I mean…most of her other marriages…she always proposed to the guy, and they accepted out of boredom.” Since when does DAN get this deep? “But this time, he proposed to her. And this time, she’s not going to Las Vegas or city hall. She’s actually planning out a church wedding. Maybe not as big as Carla did to plan hers, nowhere near it…but definitely the biggest one in her life, I swear. I think that this one might last…”

I paled. Oh, no.

“She…no.” I said defiantly. “I won’t give into this. She knows how dangerous he is-”

“She’s seen it.”

“She wasn’t there when he was-”

“No, but she saw you in the hospital. You were bruised, tubes coming out of you, and unconscious for days. Your doctor said your heart stopped-”

“Coded,” I offered him once again.

“Yeah, that. Anyway…can I just hang out with you guys for a little bit? Just enough time so I can get a job…somewhere….maybe San Francisco…maybe LA. My bar is opening up a new branch there, a night club.”

“Um…” I thought for a moment. “Well, now I got an apartment…if you must.”

“Not long, I swear. It’s just that every time I see him, I see you half dead, lying in that hospital bed. I can’t stand it.”

I swallowed. I think this is the first time he ever mentioned our past that much…and how much he was afraid.

“You think he’ll come after you?”

“He’ll go after anyone who’s weaker than him. I already tried to get mom to call it off.”

“And?”

“She’s desperate for a man.”

I shut my eyes.

“How’d you do it?” Dan finally said, as if he had been bursting to get it out. What the hell was he talking about?

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I mean…you can take any pain, any punch, anything life throws at you…and you don’t do anything, just take it. How do you do it without ever letting a single cry get out? I know if I took those punches…I would have blabbered like a baby…but you didn’t. How?”

I knew what he was talking about. And I might as well tell him.

“You know how I always seem to zone out into my own little fantasies?”

“Ye-es…”

“I’ve had those same things since we were kids.”

“…Oh…”

“It’s the only thing I can do. Something comes along…I pretend I’m not there…and I just let things work themselves out. It’s always worked…”

Pause.

“When do you think you’ll get here?” I asked him.

“It’s Saturday…Wednesday.”

“See ya then.” I said as I hung up. Damn, damn, damn! Her being engaged to Frank of all people made it very hard to pretend she doesn’t exist. I wasn’t supposed to care, God Damnit! She never cared about me, never protected me, never loved me, never helped me, even when I needed her most.

How can I love someone I hate?

I leaned against a wall, especially my head. She wasn’t making things any easier.

I forced a smile onto my face like I’ve had the talent to do for years and walked back in.

“You okay?” Carla asked me, slicing the cake, making sure all the sliced of the tiny cake had a bit of vanilla and a bit of chocolate.

“Yeah…my brother had to...quit…his job, and he’ll hang here ‘til he can hopefully get a job in Frisco or LA.”

“Why’d he have to quit?” Turk asked, confused.

“It’s…his business.”

They nodded. Sibling bonds always run much, much deeper than they seem. Of course, we’re never going to admit that. All of us knew that even if I did know, I would never tell.

I sat there as we hung out for a sitcom marathon, and thankfully neither of them noticed my sudden silence as I pondered how it was possible for me to love and worry about someone I hate.