My Shattered Reality

Chapter 3 Self Destruction

A few days passed, and not much interesting happened. Elliot finished moving out and we would be throwing her a house warming party when she finished unpacking and setting up, in a few weeks.

Most people knew I moved out, but most didn’t know that I was finally actually using my land…in a tent. Ah, well.

I put up flyers all around the neighborhood about the sale, and soon I was grabbing my stuff from Elliot. The bigger things, mainly my bed, took one whole car trip, and I was glad that it was relatively small, and a few more car trips for everything else.

Turk and Carla were there, with me. They didn’t really buy much, except for a few of my old stuffed animals for their baby, and then they were hanging out, mostly, with Turk helping me out a bit.

In the end, I made over $367, which was pretty good. I used seventeen to get us some ice cream, and the rest I later put into my savings account.

I took everything I didn’t sell and gave it to Goodwill.

And with everything I’d need to do essentially done, I came back to work on Monday feeling…refreshed, in a way. I don’t know. I think people noticed, because everyone stopped treating me like glass.

Finally. Now I can go back to pretending to be normal.

So I did that pretty well. Most people started to treat me the same again, Dr. Cox went back his twice-daily rant and I was treating a multitude of patients, again. Thank God, I was worried that I would lose my job, to be honest, seeing as all I was doing was sleeping in an empty on call room, anyway. Now things were going great.

On the outside. I know there was still a big difference in me. I didn’t zone out into a daydream, as I hadn’t for weeks. And even though I ate breakfast and dinner, lunch became a thing of the past for me. That break became paperwork time for me.

Oh, joy.

I also started to keep up a blank, robotic aura more often, at least when not around patients. Seemed to work for me, for the most part. Most people now left me alone.

I later found myself in my on-call room. Though it was a hectic day, I was glad that my interns started to page me a little less. This was a sure sign that they were learning more and more on their own.

After I took some painkillers for my stupid headache I finally crashed and I did my final rounds before I got on my bike and cruised home at an oddly relaxing pace. I looked through the visor on my helmet and considered going to the bar, but at the moment I was exhausted. So I just bought a bottle of beer and went home.

When I got there, I had some leftovers from that chicken and ate that, then the beer, before I crawled into ‘bed’ and fell into a restless slumber.

I woke up to my cell phone ringing the next morning. I check the time. An hour to get to work.

I just throw something on and go to work, early: I have to take my showers there, because I can’t really get a shower, here. And I have an outhouse for a toilet, and though I never really use it, even though once a month some company comes to clean it up.

“JD!” Elliot said when I parked my bike. She jokingly tapped my visor and I pulled off my helmet. “Oh, my god! You know, now that it’s longer, your hair looks great that way.”
I smiled a little. My barely-shaggy hair now just hung down, parted down the center. So far, people seemed to like it. And it was low maintenance for me. Yeah, I think I’ll keep it.

Elliot and I walked up and into the hospital together, her rambling and me only half listening. I caught the right words like I had recently learned to do, so she thought I was listening. She bought it.

I took my shower, got into my scrubs, and started on another monotonous day. It seemed to be repeating itself, my day. Same thing, over and over. Maybe that’s why all the older doctors are so bitter. They’re just tired. But it’s also too late for them to change. And besides, maybe they think that these people, in this hospital, are essentially their responsibility.

I think that’s why they all seem to hate everyone. But I really don’t want to be that kind of guy when I get older.

I turned when I have five minutes to myself, and simply slide down the wall until I’m sitting on the floor.

My thoughts are going crazy. A little wild. Maybe I was going crazy. For no real reason, I was becoming a bit more and more depressed. Which was weird. Kim? Nah. I think it wasn’t her. It was Jamie. And not so much Jamie, so much as the ripple in my life the never-to-be-born child caused in my life.

It made me think of what my life stood for. How people saw me. How people treated me. How I treated others. The way my life really ran, and where I stood in it. But I was standing on glass. But that ripple made the glass crack, slowly and slowly. Until now, it broke, and I’m sinking in water and blood and the shards of that glass. Of my life.

Listen to me. Now I sound like one of those retired old people who was a writer or a philosopher when they had an actual life.

I lean my head back…

“Vanilla Bear?”
I opened my eyes (when did I close them?) and look up at my best friend.

“Wazzup, brother from another mother?” I asked.

“Dude,” I wait for him to tell me to be white. “Why are you on the floor?”
“I am too tired and lazy to get up and go to my on-call room, especially since I’ll bet that any moment now my pager is going to ring.”
Turk looked at me oddly.

I would have preferred to just have him tell me to be white and him go off…

“JD, are you all right? You look a little pale.”
“Everyone’s pale to you.”
“Nah, I mean it. More than usual.”
“Well, it’s so god damn cold I never really go outside.”
He looked a little skeptical but accepted this for now, when his pager rang and he ran off. Half an hour ago there was a thing on the news about a car crash nearby…

I leant my head back again and looked up at the ceiling.

Right now, sitting on the floor, a rare person seeing me sending me sympathetic glances, I felt so small. Like that little girl with leukemia, only seven and a half years old, could easily crush me. In my permanently fatigued state, she probably could.

I started wondering what happened to us after we die, which lead to my thoughts on how many people have died in my care. I can’t count how many. In most of those cases, I knew there was nothing I could do. But I still felt it was my fault they died. Mainly because in a few cases, it was.

My own thoughts were driving me crazy again. I think way too much.

I started to bang my head against a wall. The minor pain seemed to be a bit relaxing, so I kept going. Harder and harder and harder.

I felt like I was one giant stress ball, for people to vent different emotions on me. Carla smothered em with kindness I didn’t deserve, I was Turk’s best friend, but also his ‘therapist’ and Elliot often ranted and raved to me, annoyingly, and Cox vented his anger on me. So did most of my mom’s boyfriends – the just loved using me a punchingbag, probably because no matter how much they hurt me, I couldn’t run. They all took their stress out on me. Why couldn’t I?

I stopped for a moment, and took a deep breath. I held it for about a minute, and released when I became lightheaded again. I started banging my head against a wall again. Except a little harder.

“Shirley!”

I swear to god that bastard is following me…blank face, blank face, blank face…fake politeness…

“Yes, Dr. Cox?” I asked him, not even looking up, still finding the opposite wall rather interesting. Only my eyes glanced up through my eyelashes, though not that well, so I couldn’t see him, though I don’t think I want to.

“Newbie, why are you trying to give yourself a concussion? Is it-”

“It’s rather relaxing.”
Will you please now that you think I’m crazy?

“What the damn hell does that mean?”

Guess not.

“How does banging your head against a wall help?”
I finally look up. And I don’t think I should have. For the moment, I stay silent.

“Answer me, Newbie!”

I jump, a little startled, and started to backup a little. He looked surprised, and stepped back, looking over me carefully, before saying, “Well?”

“The pain is perfect for keeping your mind off of things.”
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Saved by the pager…

I checked and Keith needs me to go help with some insurance issue down stairs. I pull myself up and try not to even look in Cox’s direction, hating that even though we’re now both attendings and both on the same level, he can still make me so nervous so easily. Maybe it was because right now, he was the closest thing to a dad I had…ever.

“I have to go.”

I start to walk off. I flinch away from his hand on my shoulder and keep going.

“Keith?” I am addressing the unfortunately best intern here.

“Yeah…Mrs. Garcia really needs the arterial reconstruction, but she doesn’t have insurance…and I really think that she deserves this.”

I sigh. I was having a serious case of déjà vu. Now I definitely knew how the older doctors felt. I turn around.

“Doug!”

The little guy scampers over.

“Get me a list of the people who died today, were covered by insurance, and the companies not yet notified of their deaths.”
He nodded. He knew what I wanted. This didn’t happen often, but it happened before.

“What are you doing?” Keith asked. I held up a hand, saying I’d explain in a moment. I took a good look at this woman – half Mexican, half Puerto Rican – and I remembered her. She once broke her leg while running after a five year old. She was a kindergarten teacher. She had so many options, but she chose to stay there as a teacher. She definitely deserved it. But that was a while back. Now, she over stressed her heart and popped an artery…dangerously close to her heart.

“Here you go,” Doug said.

“Keith, take a look.” He did. “If you notice, she needs Medicare for this. Professor Johnson died just a few hours ago, but his company won’t be notified until tomorrow, because of a bunch of legal and family issues.”
“So?” he asked. Seriously, how could he not catch on?

“Carla!”

“Yeah, Bambi?”

I jump a little (I seem to be doing that lately). I didn’t know she was one bed over. I point towards the woman in the bed and hold up the ‘Deceased’ list, with my thumb pointing towards the college professor.

“Get an Arterial Reconstruction ordered immediately for Professor Johnson. And keep it low profile.”
She nodded understandingly, and she got a few others to start on this.

“Isn’t that lying?” Keith asked.

“Yeah, it is. But think about it: She doesn’t have the insurance, but someone else does. Now that they’re dead, they don’t need the money, so it’ll go to someone who does. Doug’ll take care of dealing with the paperwork so this’ll slip by.”
He slowly nodded.

“I guess I’d rather some money stolen than a life lost,” he muttered as he walked away.

I would, too.

I finished with that, helped another intern with the bandages of a young athlete who tore several major vessels and went back to the nurse’s station. With Carla’s reassurance that there were no more cases that no one else could take, so I once again grabbed my bike and went home.

I went inside my tent after using the cam stove to re-heat some Chinese food, and smiled. One advantage of not having an apartment is no rent, which meant I had an extra $500, almost, to myself per month. I suppose I should save the money, so I set aside two hundred for food, and the left over 300 for the bank. I never really was that fond of cooking anything besides breakfast, so I could eat out a lot more.

Even though the Egg Drop was nice and hot, I still shivered slightly when I was done. I had only bothered to wear scrubs back home and thus not that warm. I threw on my leather jacket and I did warm up quite a bit, though just barely enough.

I’d have to get one of those long, fleece robes people used for around the house. I could put it around my streets and stuff.

I sighed once again, and realized how much entertainment I used to get from TV and movies and stuff.

Well, I suppose for someone with no life like me, good time to catch up on Medical Journals.

With a promise to myself to go to the Library soon and actually use my card, I slipped under the sleeping bag and my mind completely crashed.

“JD!” Todd said. “Guess what?”
“You flirted with the new nurse and she flirted back?”
He looked slightly amazed.

“Jesus, JD, only Turk can be that quick!”
“I learned a few things,” I said. He was excited about the new nurse earlier, and he was on top of the world, now. What else could it be?

He spent the next fie minutes telling me what a great girl she was before something registered in my mind.

“The Todd?”

“Hm?”
“You’ve been telling me about this girl for five minutes, and yet only the first two and a half were for how she looked. Now you’re going on about your mutual interest in sports.”

He looked amazed.

“The Todd,” I said. “I think you’re falling in love.” We both knew he probably wasn’t, but we could play the joke.

“I am so asking her out on a date tonight as soon as she gets out of surgery!”

“Go wait for her,” I said.

And leave me alone in the process…

He jumped back out of the couch and ran out the door.

“’Bout time,” I said. He needed a girlfriend, other than just some sex toy or something. I vaguely wonder if he, as he seems to be hypersexual, ever slept with guys…on second thought, I don’t want to know.

A little while later, while setting a kid’s broken arm from some fight gone bad, Elliot walked in.

“JD, we’re meeting at lunch for chili day, and Carla told me to make sure you’re there because she’s worried that you don’t eat as much.”

“What? I eat fine.”
“JD, we’re doctors. You’re heading down to anorexic.”

“I am not…I am skinny as I want to be…just gotta work out sometime to get some muscle…anyway, I’ll be there if Cox doesn’t have me grounded or something.”
She was about to say something, then shut her mouth and shook her head. She then took a look at the patient I just finished treating.

“Jason?”
“Hey, Ellie,” he said.

“Don’t call me that!” she paused. “Jason, this is the fourth time you’ve been here in the last two months!”
I look from her, and back at the boy. This was starting to ring some bells.

“…fight…”

“Another one? What, are you a problem boy, or something?”
“No…I’m just the number one target for bullies…I obviously don’t have much muscle to really fight back,” the blonde guy said.

Okay, UNCANNY déjà vu. Ringing some major bells…wait and see…

“You should tell someone,” Elliot said.

“Nah, these kids are all teachers’ pets. No one would believe me.”
Either this guy lucked out or he’s lying…the same exact ones I used.

“Well, Mr. Dupuis,” I said. “I think you should be just fine. I hope we don’t’ see you back here anytime soon.”
“I don’t think so,” he said.

“Why?” count on Elliot to pry. Or maybe it was just concern. Probably both.

“These…people, they’re on a bit of a rampage.”
Don’t need much more proof…

He and ‘Ellie’ kept chatting, and I listened carefully from my spot in the corner. Yep, right about now, now that I was done…

I silently walked over and, slightly roughly (though Elliot thought it was gently), grabbed his bare shoulder.

As expected, he flinched away.

“Sorry, doc,” he said. “Still…a little nervous, you know?”
I nodded. Elliot handed him his shirt and jacket back and we all walked out. We all went our separate ways, but not before I called Elliot back.

“Yeah, JD?”
“I have to go check on an ICU, then something really important. Tell everyone I’m sorry if I’m a few minutes late. Ask Turk to get me a bowl.”

She nodded slowly and walked off.

I did the medical half of my job, then went to Laverne.

“Nurse Roberts?”
“How many times do I have to tell you and everyone else, honey, it’s Laverne?”
“Right…well, could you get me any and all contact info on this guy.” I handed her Jason’s file. “Namely, contact and school info.”

She nodded and drew those up, and I took them back to my on-call room, and pulled out and switched on my cell. I looked. It just listed someone named Michelle Kyran for an emergency contact. If I was right…

I dialed the number.

“Hello?”
“Ah…is this Michelle Kyran?”

“Yeah. Who’s this.”

“Uh, actually I’m calling from…hold on…stupid pay phone…anyway, you know Jason, right?”
“Ah…the only one I know…blonde, hazel eyes, and has a tan. That him?”
“Yes,” I answered. “I was just trying to find him, and all I got was you. I think I got something here mixed up.”

“Yeah…are you trying to ask him out? He gets that a lot…from both genders. They ask me…what else, he’s my best friend…He’s like the most popular guy at Coastal Waves High. So, what did you want?”
“His number would be nice,” I said.

She laughed.

“Well, I’m sorry, his family doesn’t have one. Their…uh…their financials leave a lot to be desired. So, anyway, I’ll tell him…but who are you?”
“Johnny…I’ll figure this out. Thanks, though.”
Suddenly, she seemed uncertain.

“All right then…”
“I got to go, the pay phone is about to disconnect. Thanks!”
She said, “Your Welcome!” before I disconnected.

He told me he’s the school nerd and that his family is doing well off. And this was obviously not Jason’s family.

Yep.

Next I called Social Services.

“Hello?” A young woman said.

“Hello…I work at a hospital, and a teenager came by and I set his broken arm. Then I was told by another doctor that he’s been here frequently, and apparently from injuries he claimed are from fights. I did a bit of calling and found that he doesn’t, and the emergency number leads to his best friend, rather than family.”

“You suspect abuse?”
“Yes…but some of these injuries seem pretty serious, so please do this as discreetly as possible. The school he left was false, so I guess his address was, too. His name is Jason Dupuis, and he goes to Coastal Waves High. Other than that, I got nothing I can be certain of. Blonde hair, hazel eyes, tan skin.”
“We’ll work with that. Thank you.”
After a moment longer, we hung up. I saw lunch was starting now, so I was down there in about two minutes.

“What kept ya?” Turk asked.

“Make a few calls…”

Carla and Elliot, who had so far ignored me, turned and asked what kind. After a bit of nagging, I caved in.

“Elliot? Remember you said he’s been here for violent injuries often?”
She nodded.

“Well, a few other signs…I check his emergency number, and it led to his best friend. He didn’t leave me his school, and we can bat that the home address was false, as well. So I made an anonymous call to Social Services.”

In a moment, they all saddened at the thought, so Turk brightened again, started calling me a hero, and we went back to normal.

I went home, feeling something I hadn’t in quite a while after looking back on my life.

Like I was here for a reason.

When I woke up the next morning, I shivered quite a bit. Damn, I forgot to get that bathrobe. Ah, well, I just have to get that later.

I stand up and peek out the doorway, and there’s a thin layer of frost over everything. Soon will come the very little snow we get.

I sighed and though my shift didn’t start for two hours, I wanted to get to Sacred Heart. At least if I can squeeze in an hour of sleep, it’ll be warm.

But when I try and start the bike, it doesn’t work. I try a few other things, and…Damnit.

I pick up my cell phone and call the Auto-Shop.

“Hello?” the guy answers. I’ve called several times before. And I knew this guy.

“Yo, Steve?”
“JD? Oh, your scooter again? You haven’t called in a while.”

“Someone trashed my scooter a long while back, so I got a motorbike. Black. Anyway, it just blew on me or something. Can you pick it and me up? Your shop is just a few blocks away from my job.”
“Right, I know. Your apartment?”
“Oh, no, left that, too. 559, Loan Oaks Drive. My house is the tent on a porch.”
“You live in a tent?”
“Yeah. Actually, it’s kind of nice. With no rent, I got a lot of extra for dates.”

Steve laughed.

“I’ll be right there.”
I hung up. I waited about fifteen minutes, reheating some food from last night for breakfast, and just as I finished, he pulled up.

“Nice place,” He said sarcastically.

A little while later, we’re at the auto shop. They tell me it’ll be done by tomorrow morning, and I nod. Now I had an hour and fifteen minutes. It would take me about twenty minutes to walk there.

Oh, joy.

I try to be careful as I walk there, for there are a few blocks of a bad neighborhood. I know I should take the slightly longer way, but I just want to get to work and sleep.

But just a few blocks away from work, I instantly regretted it. Some young guy came up with a baseball bat and held it threateningly.

“Whatever money you have, fork it over, now,” He growls out. I wish he wasn’t wearing that ski mask.

I hold up my wallet. All it has are a few pictures and nothing else.

I long ago figured out it was better to keep important stuff in the bottom of your backpack or shoe. But this guy didn’t know that.

“Where’s the money?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Cards.”
“They’re in my locker. Look bud, just let me go, and I’ll just leave you be. Got it?”
WHAM

I groaned and crumpled when the guy swung and took a hit as my chest.

“WHERE IS IT?”
“I don’t have anything, I just said that. I make next to nothing.”
He takes a few more swings and pulls me up by my collar, while I use age old techniques to not cry.

“Where is it?”
“I don’t have any.” I was slowly losing my façade of being calm. “If I did, I would give it to you just to make you fucking leave me alone!”

Yeah, somehow I knew that last punch to my face was coming. But some other people suddenly seemed to notice what was going on and he dropped me and ran.

“You okay?” One of the two new guys asked. I slowly and painfully pulled myself off the ground and nodded.

“Need any help or a ride?” asks the other guy.
“Nah,” I said. “I’m fine.” Lie. “Just a few bruises.” And a broken rib and possible a concussion from one of the guy’s swings.

They nodded when I plastered a smile on my face.

They walk away, something about visiting the first guy’s little sister in the afternoon, and I slowly turn around and keep walking.

Carla looks up when I walk into the hospital and she gasps.

“Bambi! What happened?”
“I fell down a set of stairs while walking from the Auto-Shop,” I said. “Nothing major. I’ll ask one of the interns to help.” I wasn’t going to burden people with my problems.

“See, this is why you should live with me and Turk,” She muttered she supported me and dragged me upstairs.

“Carla. My bike blew on me, and I walked from the auto shop. I would have tripped with or without you.”
She growled and an intern did patch me up. They made me rest until an hour into my shift.

Of course, Dr. Cox wasn’t happy about that.

“NEWBIE! You tripped and you think you can just rest the first hour of your shift?”
“Tell the interns,” I growled. Finally, a reason to get up. But then he looked me over when I sat up, and the covers fell down, revealing all the bruises. Then he looked to my head, where there was a bandage wrapped around it. There were also a few bandages around my torso, as well, for my ribs.

“Newbie, what happened?”
“I fell down a long set of stairs. Now, I obviously have work to do.” I tried to get back up, but now he held me down. He looked at me.

“What. Happened?”
“I tripped. Geez, now I know why the patients are so grumpy.”

He looked like he didn’t believe me. Crap.

“Uh unh, no way. I didn’t know it was this bad. You’re staying here for the require two hours for your concussion.”
“I’ll be fine,” I said.

“Yeah, and I love Satan’s bitch.”
“What about Jordan?” I ask “You two are having another baby.”
“No, we’re not. Abortion is gonna happen day after tomorrow.”
“Oh…”
“Can I go now? I have a lot to do here.”
“Newbie, you should know why you need to stay here for that head.”
“I am fine.”
“Oh shut up. Your fault anyway. You’ll stay here and then you’ll come to work.”

But after a couple of hours (and I got that bandage off my head, just had to deal with the ones on my chest), I was finally allowed to leave. I decided to skip lunch to check on my patients

But mid-afternoon, I was with Carla in the waiting room, comparing charts, when the two guys who saved me that morning walked in.

“Hi,” One said to another nurse. “I’m here to see my sister, Grace Wronski?”
“I’ll get you her doctor.” The nurse then points to me, and they recognize me.

“Hey, dude!” the other guy said. “Looking better all ready. This has to be a good place.”
“You know him?” Carla asked him.

“We found him this morning,” the first guy said, the dark haired one. The red head continued his sentence.

“After that gut beat him up with a bat,”

Her eyes widened and she whipped around.

“JD, why did you lie to me?”

The other guys looked confused. She told them what I told her.

“I didn’t want to worry you,” I said. “You always smother me, anyway.”
She fretted a little longer until I led the guys up to Grace’s room, and she seemed glad to finally get a visit from someone…anyone. I knew Grace. She was getting out soon and whenever I got the change to just chat with her we talked about her plans once she got out.

But seriously, did it have to be the exact guys who found me?

Pretty soon, the people who knew of how I came in that morning (Turk, Elliot, the interns, and Dr. Cox) all know also knew what actually happened.

Why did those two guys have to come to my hospital?

“JD,” Turk said. “Why’d you lie to me? I thought we were tight!”
“We are. But if I told Carla, she wouldn’t stop worrying way too much.”

He then nodded in understanding before he went with Todd for some surgeons meeting or something.

“By the way, Professor Johnson’s doing just fine,” he said over his shoulder. I was glad to know the old woman made it through. Now she could go back to her classroom.

“Newbie,” Dr. Cox was calling a little later. “Please, do me a favor and tell me you have a ride home. I can’t have interns being mugged because otherwise, there’ll be no one left to rant and yell at. And quite frankly, I like you the best because you usually quiver in fear and obey me like the little bitch you are.”
“Ah…I’ll just take whatever it was you said as an insult.” I said. He nodded and I kept walking out the door.

“Bambi!” Carla said. “Please, don’t tell me you’re walking back.”
“I’m not. I’m using the bus this time.”
“Come on, man, we’ll give you a ride,” Turk said. “Not for me, but for Carla.”

“Are you patronizing me?” she yelled at him. Seriously, how can it take two second for her to go from concern to anger…and now back to regret.

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry,” she said.

“It’s okay,” Turk said. “You’re very pregnant. You’re probably going to give birth in the next few weeks. I understand. Now JD…”
Great, just when I thought I could get away.

“Come on. Besides, Carla and I are getting pizza and watching that Gilmore Girls marathon. Please? Not to make you do anything, but just ‘cuz we can.”
I nodded and smiled. This much, I could do.

So we got the pizza…well, actually two of them. One for Carla, and one for Turk and I to split. Man, that woman could eat.

Of course this time, I didn’t miss that concerned looks Carla kept giving me, and even the occasional one from Turk.

Carla had wanted me to stay, so she locked the door and told me it was late, and said that even if I had still lived down the hall she would make me stay. I shrugged it off and crashed on the couch, anyway. Of course, seeing as I tended not sleep as much at night, recently, I was only pretending to be asleep when Carla walked in. Had I been asleep, I wouldn’t have awoken when she used her hand against my forehead to check my temperature and I wouldn’t have woken up when she relaxingly my rubbed my shoulders. Years of nursing had to have done that.

I wanted to just get up and tell her to get off my back. But I didn’t. All my life, no one had ever done this for me, not even my mom. The closest was my brother helping me when some sickness got really bad. Which basically amounted to once every three years or so.

So I hid a smile and simply pretended to sleep, only sleeping for real long after she went back into her room.

I sighed when we had said goodnight to Bambi. I know I should eventually stop calling him that. But I still saw him as just that. The sweet, innocent, jumpy little guy that seemed to get along with everyone…well, everyone that wanted to get along with other friends, anyway. Even though he was definitely different now than that intern who walked in through those doors (he almost became a father for crying out loud!), he was still my Bambi.

When I thought of him almost being a father, I looked down at my own tummy, with Turk and mine’s child currently inside of it, and I looked at Turk himself. Even now, he was so different from a few years ago. Back then, he was an immature idiot.

Okay, he still mostly was one now (I think that’s part of the reason why I fell in love with him), but now he also gained the ability to be mature when he wanted to be or could be. He was protective of me, too. Just two months ago, a bit after Kim left, he had ceased all alcohol and coffee. He lived off of tons of energy drinks, but he gave up a few things he loved for me. And though coffee might came back a little while after I gave birth, he proclaimed that so long as I couldn’t have alcohol, neither would he. Of course Elliot and I already made bets on weather or not he would break it.

But I think back to JD. I realize that even though I could swear he came in even less mature than Turk, right now he was a bit more mature. I know a bit of the psychological effects that losing that baby might have done to him.

I remember that before they had decided to abort the baby, he had been so happy at the thought of being a dad. He and Turk made so many jokes about being daddies together. JD had started designing baby rooms when doodling instead of his usual costumes for ‘Super Chocolate Bear’ or whatever it had been.

But then Kim had shattered his illusion at a life. Many times, I think that if she came back this moment, I would just punch her out the moment I laid eyes on her.

But JD…aye.

I remember that he’s still in the living room, so I get up quietly and walk in.

I walked over slowly and quietly and rest my hand against his forehead. He’s a little warm, but I think that that’s just from all the blankets I piled on top of him.

He looked tense, so I set my hands on his shoulders. Even though I barely feel it, he tenses up a little.

Either he’s worried about something and it’s in his sleep, or he’s actually awake. Most of us know he’s not that into sudden touch. No one really knows why. But hey, I kept going, and he seemed to relax ever so slightly. Turk did love these…although, of course, I was a bit more…extensive…with him. But I think almost all my patients that I do this on seem to like it, too.

I think he’s awake at some point, though, because he shifts slightly under my hands. A little while later, I let the door click shut, but I immediately open it enough to peek in. He turn over, obviously awake with a look of…longing, on his face. I shrugged it off, this time slightly closing the doors, and went to sleep.