My Reality

Chapter Nine

JD opened the door to the dimly lit apartment carefully. "Perry?" he called softly, hair still damp from the rain outside.

No one answered him.

Breathing hard, JD shut the door behind him and peered around the living room. The TV was on, casting odd shadows and bluish lights across the room. A blanket was draped over the couch with a pillow. The dread and worry was a familiar feeling now; one that manifested itself as a vaguely nauseous feeling within his stomach and a tight constriction within his throat.

As JD continued through the apartment, he still heard nothing. He breathed deep as he approached Perry’s bedroom, and knocked on the door.

"Perry?" he asked again. "It’s JD."

A broken whisper drew JD’s attention to the bathroom. He pushed open the door slowly and bit his tongue.

Perry was curled in the bathtub, arms clutching at his shoulders and knees drawn tightly to his chest. He was biting down on the inside of his thumb and first finger.

"Christ," JD exhaled sharply as the stains of red drew him into the bathroom. Blood was smeared over the sink, toilet, and floor. As he approached the shaking man carefully, he saw that Perry’s face was ghostly white, and he only wore a blue t-shirt, loose blue jeans and socks.

Deep, long cuts ran against his arms like a haphazard map; they all avoided his wrists in some demented sort of punishment.

JD sat by the tub and looked at him. "You paged me."

Perry jumped and looked at him. A twisted, weak smile ghosted over his face. "Can’t say you got here on time, Margaret."

"We should get you cleaned up," JD said softly.

Perry shook his head where he lay. "I want to talk."

JD nodded and balanced his arms on the ledge of the tub. "So talk."

A shaky sigh expelled itself from Perry’s mouth and a laugh mixed with a whimper escaped him next.

"I didn’t think it’d get this far, Amanda," he finally said after a few moments of silence. "I didn’t think…even when I first woke up, I was so sure that I wouldn’t be there for very long. I thought something would happen; like it was all some crazy dream or some prank from the interns."

JD nodded, though he wasn’t sure he could possibly understand. "I tried, you know. Cops were too busy shoving doughnuts into their mouths and fucking around that they wouldn’t listen."

"I know you did, Newbie." Perry took a deep breath, shifting slightly in the bathtub. The deep cuts screamed at him as he did so, but the pain seemed to steady his trembling system. "I just thought that someone had to know I was gone. And I thought I could handle it for a few days."

"No human mind is meant to withstand what you’ve been through," JD pointed out.

"No, but it doesn’t change the fact that I did go through it." Perry knocked his head against the back of the tub, banging his wrist against the hard surface as he spoke. "Between the two of them, Ashley, I had no idea who was who now that I look back on it. On the first night, he just drugged the hell out of me."

"Couldn’t you fight back at all?" JD asked quietly as he leaned his chin on his hands gingerly. Elliot had asked about the bruises that morning, but just shrugged when JD mumbled Perry’s name.

"They’d tied my wrists and ankles, Newbie." Perry exhaled hard again, trying to fight down the nausea and fear. God knows he didn’t think he could handle throwing up again. His throat was sore and tasted awful as it was. "And he just came over, shoved a needle in my arm, and I was gone."

JD peered at him intently as he listened. Cold, hard sickness was washing over him like a tidal wave, but he knew the worst was yet to come. His heart beat faster in dreaded anticipation.

"Next thing I know, he’s got my arm over a lighter." Perry decided to leave out the screaming and the other addicts who had cheered at him. "Then he just made sure I had enough drugs in my system that I couldn’t tell which way was up or down. I don’t even know now how long I was really there sometimes."

"What about…?"

Perry looked where JD had gestured to the crisscross hatch-marks over the older man’s arms. Perry gave a harsh, shrill laugh at that.

"He had to cut the wings away, he said," Perry finally mumbled, not entirely comfortable with relaying just how insane Joshua or Elijah might have really been.

"He called you butterfly," JD remarked.

Perry looked at him. "How’d you know that?"

"Read the notebook on the table finally," JD muttered, face slightly red. "It was a last resort to try and figure out how to help you."

"Pacing Perry, nee butterfly," Perry commented bitterly. "And then, you came."

JD looked up at that, chin rising from his arms. "I tried to tell the police where you were. They wouldn’t listen to me."

Perry waved him off with a deft twist of fingers. "I don’t think Tubbo and Friends cared much after you and She-demon started ripping them new ones every five minutes. But I got to come home, heal up, go back to work and just forget it ever happened."

"You can’t just forget things like that."

Perry sat up gingerly, sitting cross-legged in the tub and gestured clumsily for JD to join him in an awkward show of the fact that he needed some kind of support right now.

"Kelso mad when you skipped out early?"

JD shrugged. "I don’t know. Elliot’s dealing with it at the moment." He looked at Perry, his stare imploring him to continue.

Perry sighed. "I really thought I could just keep going. But then I couldn’t sleep anymore and I couldn’t stop hearing these…things in my head. At first, it wasn’t so bad. All that kept me to the ground in that place was you. You were always there, with that kicked-puppy look every time I wanted to just give up and die."

Despite himself, JD felt his throat tightening with emotion.

"And than I couldn’t stop hearing those men, and then they shot you. Then they took Jack. Christ; how much longer was it going to be before they really hurt someone beyond repair of modern medicine?" Perry wanted to vomit again even now at the thought of what could have been if he hadn't gone with Joshua at all.

"But you didn’t have to leave."

"If I hadn’t, Joshua would’ve just come after the people I cared about until I went with him," Perry replied dully. "You know that, Susan."

JD shrugged from his spot across from him, arms linked loosely around his knees. Perry had started twisting the fabric of his t-shirt.

"And that was the deal, even after Josh shot Elijah. And we left. He’d keep me on drugs every other week." Perry's voice hitched, and his hands twisted harder, fingers shaking against his sleeves. "Between the withdrawal and the haze, it made a perfect victim. When he called me Eli sometimes, I didn’t think about it. I just couldn’t…care anymore; if I cared, if I stopped and thought about it…then all I’d have to think about was how I’d left Jack behind without a father. That I’d left everything behind that I’d ever thought I could care about."

JD wanted to reach out for him, but stopped himself at the desperate shaking of Perry’s hands and legs.

Perry’s face was still pale and tinged slightly with the beginnings of an ailment that neither he or JD could understand. "Even letting him beat me up wasn’t that bad when I thought about it a little. I mean, the man was insane, and it was only exacerbated by an equally insane twin who didn’t know up from down anymore."

"That didn’t give him the right to do it. You can’t make yourself right again by screwing someone else up."

Perry dragged a hand through his hair with another hard sigh, trailing dried blood over his gaunt cheek.

"And you know the other thing," he said quietly, staring hard at his hands. "I still didn’t know half the time what the hell was even going on. He’d come in, drug me, tie my hands to a wall, and just…do it."

"Raped you."

Perry couldn’t say the words; it made it all too real still. That horrible lack of control still coursed through his body, the helplessness making him feel awful and vulnerable in a way he hadn’t since his father had finally passed away.

"He did it to me because Elijah did it to him," Perry finally spat out, but couldn’t find the strength to muster much in the way of anger. He couldn’t bring himself to be angry with Joshua, not when he knew everything.

JD, on the other hand, was an entirely different story. Even through the sympathy and concern, anger laced his tight features.

"And let me tell you something, Newbie." Perry looked up finally with painfully dry eyes and a face devoid of emotion. "I haven’t felt so out of touch with reality since I moved out of my parents' house."

JD couldn’t find words to express the pain he could feel radiating from Perry’s hunched figure.

"And all of the sudden, it was okay for a while. I couldn’t remember anything; in hindsight, I still wish I couldn’t."

"You know that you couldn’t have done that forever."

Perry shrugged. "And then it just came back. Everything. And all of it just…broke, and suddenly, I’d lost my control, my life, and my grip on the reality of the situation."

"You can still get it back."

The bitter laugh was harsh and grating. "I can’t do this."

JD opened his mouth to talk, but the shrill ring of the phone made them both jump in the tub. "I can ignore it," he finally said after the second ring.

They sat in silence as the tinny voices on the answering machine picked up.

"Dorian, if you don’t get your ass back to this hospital in the next hour and cover the rest of your scheduled shift; don’t bother coming back at all!" Kelso’s angry voice rang out loud enough to wake the dead, and ended with the loud clack of a phone being slammed down.

JD groaned and rubbed his face, wincing as it trailed over a bruise.

"Just go, Newbie," Perry said dully. "I can clean myself up."

"I can’t leave you alone like this," JD replied matter-of-factly. "How many times has a patient come through and…"

"Just go. You can’t lose your job, Melissa."

"But I can’t leave you alone like this," JD said again more firmly. "It’s not just about caring about you; I’m a doctor. You can’t expect me to leave you alone right now."

Perry leaned against the tub, neck resting upon the lip. "I’m not gonna off myself, Newbie. Get your ass to work before you lose it like I did."

JD kept curious eyes on him as he called Kelso back. When the man picked up, JD had an explanation ready upon his lips.

"Dr. Kelso, I've got…"

"Son, I don’t know what you’re pretending to have a problem with right now but we don’t have anyone to cover for you. If you don’t get your keister back here…"

"But Dr. Kelso, I’m with a…"

"What’s got two thumbs and doesn’t give a crap, Sport?"

"But…"

"Bob Kelso, MD. Nice to meet you. Now get your ass back to work!"

JD winced as the phone slammed into his ear. He dialed another number. "Come on, pick up…" he murmured to himself as the phone rang in his ear.

"Hello?"

"Jordan, are you busy?" JD winced at how exhausted Jordan sounded herself, and how desperate his voice sounded when he asked.

"Newbie, if you call that satanic demon woman here, I’ll regret ever thinking I could trust you in the first place!" Perry snapped from the tub. The anger was there now that he felt he needed to be "watched".

Jordan sounded tired but raised an eyebrow at the irate yelling. "Something wrong, DJ?"

"I can’t leave him alone like this; he’s…not doing so well," JD blurted out, desperate to make sure someone would stay with him. "He can't be alone right now."

Jordan sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "DJ, I don’t know if I can really handle him right now. I’ve got problems of my own."

"I can’t think of anyone else! Carla’s on bed rest, he’d kill Turk, and Elliot’s still working. Please, Jordan. I’ll do anything you want."

Jordan grinned despite the numbing pain that been running through her body since Elliot had left. "Really. Anything?"

"No, no, no, Newbie; that’s the wrong road!" Perry yelled from the bathroom and tried to pull himself to his feet. A dizzy spell washed through him and he landed on his rear with a thud. "She’ll take your soul; don’t you do it!"

"Fine, Junior. I’ll name my terms later. How long?"

JD glanced at his watch as he heard Jordan getting her keys together over the phone. "Probably not more then a few hours. Please?"

"Just tell Barbie to come over here for Jack when she gets out. She's only got an hour or so left, right?"

"Yeah…how did you know when she was getting out? I thought you two were…" JD trailed off for lack of words.

Jordan’s face colored slightly. "Ass out of this one, DJ. You want me to do this or not? He sounds like a surly bear."

"I’m sure the feeling’s mutual," JD muttered as he looked at Perry’s angry face.

"Newbie, Dante’s seventh level of hell will not be painful enough by the time I’m done with you," Perry snapped as he gripped the sides of the tub to rise.

"Whatever," JD retorted in a fulminating tone. Anger and frustration culminated in an edgy feeling that he suddenly just couldn't stand anymore. "Try and get out of the bathtub long enough to make bank on it!"

The resulting thud just made JD nod at him smugly in an "I told you so" fashion.

"Yo, OMC," Jordan snapped. "Getting off the phone now." She clicked it off without waiting for JD’s reply.

"OMC?" JD thought for a minute.

"It means "old married couple", you idiot. Her sister you slept with for a while-out of what I can only describe as outright desperation-used to call us that."

JD entered the bathroom. "You know why I had to get someone to come watch you. You would’ve done the same for me."

Perry shook his head. "Ho-no, Newbie…I would’ve called Kelso to come watch me before I called that evil satanic thing called Jordan. Are you crazy?"

JD kneeled by the bathtub and slipped his hands over Perry’s face to pull it up. "We’re not done here."

Perry shrugged absently, and JD hated the way his eyes and expression had gone dull again.

He’s already shut down, JD thought with a sigh.

"Listen, I’ll be back in a few hours. Clean yourself up; I’ll jack some stitches from the ER," JD said quietly and suddenly planted a hard kiss against Perry’s mouth.

Perry stiffened in surprise but relaxed a moment later as he trailed fingers over JD’s cheek.

"I’m not giving up," JD said, frantic panic clawing at his insides. "And it’s not because I feel sorry for you, it’s not because you want me to keep trying. Hell, it’s not even because you are who you are."

"What is it then, Newbie?"

JD kissed him again, rougher this time, letting the intensity of the situation finally break free through his system in a wave of frenetic emotions he wasn't sure he could explain.

"Because I love you," JD replied. "And I want you to get better." He pressed a wet, open-mouthed kiss to Perry’s forehead and left the bathroom.

Perry sat motionless in the tub in a near trance as he touched his mouth gently with fingers that still shook.

Bravo, butterfly…now you can drag someone else down right along with you.

But he cares enough to tell you to shut up.

The new voice was his own, Perry thought absently…and there was a shout of frustration as it grew stronger against the man who once called him butterfly.

JD sat nervously by the door until the bell finally rang. He opened it and swore then that he could’ve kissed Jordan, who looked vaguely annoyed with a sleepy Jack on her hip.

"You owe me, DJ," Jordan said simply and let him pass.

"Love you Jack," JD said before he thought about it and mussed the boy’s hair on his way out.

Jordan raised an eyebrow. "Per-bear!" she called out, kicking the door shut with a foot encased comfortably in ballet-flats. She didn't want to think about how lucky Jack really was that so many people loved him. As a result, she concentrated her efforts upon helping JD pull Perry away from the personal hell he had built for himself.

"Oh, Medusa!" he yelled back mockingly, but his voice was hoarse and tight.

"You want to see Daddy?" Jordan asked outside of the bedroom.

"Oh…for the love of Christ; Jordan, don’t bring him in here right now!"

Jordan stopped outside of the door with a frown at Perry's tone. "Want to watch The Lion King?" she asked Jack appealingly.

Jack gave her a sleepy grin. Jordan sighed and set Jack up on the floor with a baby monitor, a few toys and the musical movie. Giving him one last quick glance, she headed back for the bathroom as she tucked the other speakerphone into her back pocket.

She tried to make her inhaled breath inaudible, but Perry looked up anyway from where he was wiping the blood away from the floor.

"Get out," he said lowly.

Jordan didn’t budge. "JD’s the only one helping you out; don’t you think you should let someone else help too?"

"You know, Jorderooni, I’m just kind of tired by now of telling everyone just exactly how I feel about what’s happened in the past six months. Forgive me if I’m not in the mood. Now why don’t you go grab a cross as hard as you can so that you burst into flames? Or you can wait for the sun; your choice."

"Shut up, Buffy." Jordan plucked a rag from the sink, trying to keep her stomach under control as she kneeled to the floor to help him clean the stains from the tiles.

"I don’t want your help with this."

"I’m stuck here until DJ comes back."

Perry threw the rag on the floor in disgust. "No one’s forcing you to be here."

Jordan shrugged as she finished wiping up a portion of the floor. "No one’s forcing you to be an asshole, but it’s never stopped you before."

Perry gave her a look that said he clearly wasn’t amused. He stood and jerked her up by the arm.

"You can go now. Just because Newbie asked you to stay here doesn’t mean you have to."

"And just because you think you’re not strong enough to do this on your own doesn’t mean you’re not. That kid cares enough about you to put up with you and your crappy moods."

"God, I hate you sometimes."

Jordan shrugged and jerked her arm free as she sat down on the bed. "Feeling’s mutual. I’m just here to make sure you don’t off yourself."

"No worries there."

"Really? Bathroom’s telling a different story." A high-pitched whine came from the other half of the baby monitor in Jordan’s back pocket. "We’re not through here." She walked out of the room to fuss over Jack.

Perry touched his lips again. No one seemed to be done with him at this point. As he started the task of cleaning up the bathroom and his arms again, he sighed. It still hurt, this awful thing that lived and breathed inside of him. It gnawed at his belly and tore at his heart viciously, and he wasn’t sure how to begin to tackle it.

He stared at the tub. No control, no life, and now even reality was slipping away from him in three easy beats of the heart.

He looked at his arms and wished he’d had the strength to tackle his wrists.

XXXXXXXX

JD debated ignoring the angry remarks from Kelso, who demanded from Ted upon whether or not he could fire the doctor now or not.

Ted shrugged. "I wouldn’t, sir. He has a plausible excuse and if you fire him for that, you’ll be asking for a lawsuit."

Kelso growled. "Dorian, if it happens again, I don’t care if the moon’s blown up and a piece has managed to land jam-straight into your scrawny chicken throat-I will fire you and I will enjoy it and not give a rat’s ass about the ensuing lawsuit!" Kelso whirled and stalked off.

Ted scuttled after him, head down as he followed.

Elliot clapped a hand on his shoulder, no longer surprised by his jerk of surprise. "Is he okay?"

"Jordan's with him," JD replied dully. "She wants you to pick up Jack when you get out of here though."

Elliot gave him a confused frown. "She does?"

"Look, Elliot…I don't have time for whatever drama you two are going through right now; I just know that he can't be alone right now. I called Jordan. She wants you to pick up Jack when you get out of work."

Elliot nodded silently, working out how fast she could get out of the hospital that night if she pulled strings.

JD's face was dull, and Elliot sighed. Perry wasn't the only one who was going to need help by the time this was all said and done.

"JD…do you want to talk?" Elliot finally asked as JD opened a chart to inspect his interns' work.

He looked at her, and Elliot bit her cheek at the outright desolation on her friend's face.

"Just let me know when you want to take that road trip," he finally said after a moment.

Elliot laughed weakly and hugged him loosely in a friendly fashion. "You're doing fine," she said after a moment. "I can't think of how hard it has to be for you two right now…but for what it's worth, I think you're doing alright."

JD smiled at her, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Go get Jack. I'll cover for you."

Elliot smiled gratefully and hugged him again with a bonus kiss to the cheek. "Thanks, JD."

"We're friends, aren't we?"

"Yeah."

Continues with Chapter 10