My Reality

Chapter 8

JD took into account all of the "wonderful" advice he’d received from everyone through his day. The double shift was wearing him thin a bit by the end, and his knee was sore. To make matters worse, he’d resorted to just limping around painfully because he hadn’t foreseen the problem enough to have brought his cane to work.

"Yo, J-dog…you alright, man?"

JD nodded, though his knee had gone from being upset to whimpering. "Yeah, I will be when my shift’s over."

"How much longer you got?"

"I only got a couple of hours left," JD replied with a sigh. "I might try to get Doug to cover it though."

Turk nodded as he leaned against the counter and planted a kiss on Carla’s mouth. "You ready to go, baby?"

Carla sighed reluctantly. Today would be her last day before she left for maternity leave.

"I don’t want to leave; I can still work," Carla pouted, rubbing her stomach. "JD, be a sweetie and get bambino here some chocolate."

JD sighed and took the change to grab a pack of chocolate candy from the vending machine. When he returned, Carla was still arguing the point of working up until the baby was born.

"Just think…I can be at work, and if I go into labor; I’m right here!" she said brightly.

"Carla, you know how much of a risk it is for you to work even this far," JD pointed out. "Your OB/GYN recommended you to leave two weeks ago."

Carla sulked but nodded. The last ultrasound had showed a slightly agitated heartbeat, but nothing serious. Still, the obstetrician had recommended light bedrest and leaving work earlier then Carla had planned or wanted to.

"Fine, fine," Carla muttered sullenly. "I just don’t want to be cooped up for a month."

"You’ll live," Turk replied and kissed her quickly again. "Let me know when you’re ready to go. I don’t want to get roped in for another procedure if I can help it."

Carla nodded and began to gather her things as Turk left. "Hey, Bambi…how goes it with Dr. Cox?"

JD shrugged. "I quit asking," he replied. He’d stopped because every time he did ask, it ended in an argument from hell, and JD often ended up with either a hangover the next day or sleeping uncomfortably in the on-call room.

"You shouldn’t give up on him," Carla replied with a shrug.

"As long as I don’t ask him, he’s fine," JD remarked. "And I’m tired of having to take cover in the on-call room."

Carla sighed with pursed lips. "Well, you know what I think, Bambi?"

"Do I have to listen?"

Carla smacked him lightly. "I think you just need to ask harder or figure out a way to make him open up to you more." She felt a little bad because it wasn’t just for JD and Perry’s sake that she hoped they’d make up soon.

JD had been running around on a tired rampage for the past few days. Elliot had been hell to her interns, and Jordan had been swinging in and out like some sort of demonic bat.

"I’m trying," JD muttered through clenched teeth. "If I ask or try to figure it out, he just gets pissy and acts like a jerk."

"Try not getting angry at him first," Carla suggested. "Where’s that chocolate? I know you’re hiding it."

Reluctantly, JD handed her the bag of chocolate candies. "If you’d heard some of the crap he spouts out when he’s angry, you wouldn’t be so amenable to not getting mad at him first."

Carla shrugged as she crunched away and gave a sigh of appreciation. "Field goal," she murmured and turned her attention back to JD. "It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind without trying more."

JD shrugged and slipped the chart into the slot. "Look, I’m going to cut out early; my knee is killing me."

"Oh, don’t you leave me to find…Bambi, get your ass back here!"

"Doug will do it; tell him I’ll cover whatever he wants next," JD yelled over his shoulder and walked into the locker room while ignoring Carla’s continued protests. He opened his locker and pulled out his backpack and keys. He sighed and leaned his forehead against the cool metal as he lifted his leg to take pressure off the offending joint.

It was aching like mad now, and felt like someone kept squeezing it repeatedly in a fiery-hot vice, complete with needles and twisting.

Sighing, JD shut his locker and headed for Perry’s apartment, trying to curb all of his emotions before he started up for the living space.

Perry looked up when he came in, his eyes bloodshot and his grin sloppy.

Great…JD thought in his head. He supposed it was only fair that he had to deal with a drunk Perry when the man had dealt with him and Jordan drunk in one night.

"How was your day?" JD asked carefully as he sat down beside of him.

"Hell-shot better then yours by the look of it, Tamika," Perry replied in a slurred voice. "Why can’t I get better, Newbie?"

"Because you won’t talk to anyone about it," JD slipped out before he could stop himself.

Perry glared at him. "You must be one sick fuck if you’re that determined to hear all about it."

"You won’t get better because you won’t accept it enough to talk about it. All you do is use something else as a distraction so you don’t have to say anything."

Perry snorted into his glass of scotch. "Did they make you cover the psychology ward today or have you been talking to that oh-so-happy-go-lucky blonde psycho again?"

JD shrugged. "I had a psych rotation once too long ago."

Perry seemed to think that was funny as he stood unsteadily on his feet to make another drink.

JD followed him into the kitchen, idly thinking about having a drink of his own. Instead, he downed a couple of aspirin.

"Doesn’t mean you can psychoanalyze me," Perry replied accusingly as he sloshed a bit of alcohol onto the floor.

"Someone needs to," JD muttered.

Perry narrowed his eyes at him. "Why do you say that, Newbie?"

JD glared at him. "Because you won’t go to therapy, you’ve stopped seeing that shrink of yours all together. You won’t eat, I don’t think I’ve really seen you sleep for more then a couple of hours at a time. You stare at that godforsaken window every minute of every day!" he yelled, pointing to the thick, kitchen window.

Perry snapped his glass down to the kitchen table. "I’m getting tired of having this same argument every night."

"What the hell happened?"

"I’m not obligated to answer that, Becky."

"What happened?" JD asked again with a firmer voice once more. He kept his eyes steady on Perry’s face, which was beginning to look rather infuriated.

"Listen, Newbie, you are the last person I want to talk to about this; don’t you think you’ve humiliated me enough by already knowing? What the hell more do you want to know?"

"How you feel!"

"I’m touched, Vivian, really," Perry said mockingly. "Maybe now we can braid each other’s hair, read Seventeen magazine, and figure out the top five exercises to make those unsightly butt-pounds just disappear!"

"See? You’re doing it again! What happened to you? How do you feel about it? Aren’t you angry that you can’t get some kind of closure from two dead men?"

"Sounds like you’ve got more of a problem then I do, Newbie."

JD rounded the table and caught his arms before Perry could walk away. "I hate it just as much that they did anything to you. I’m still scared to go into the parking lot alone at night. In fact, I won’t do it. I’m scared of the on-call room at night when there’s no one else there. I can’t stand being near some of the addicts now. What about you?"

Perry reached up and shoved JD’s hands away. "It’s none of your business, Jessica."

"Like hell it isn’t! I’ve been here since the beginning to take care of you and help you out! Why won’t you let me help you?"

"Because it was supposed to be you!" Perry snapped at him, eyes blazing and angry. "They were going after you; not me!"

JD frowned but didn’t back away. "What do you mean?"

"They were after you that night, Newbie," Perry finally said after a few moments of silence. "I was the one they took because Josh flipped out and I was there. They were going to take you."

Still confused, JD did back away a step this time. "They were…I don’t understand."

"Joshua picks out the victims; his brother dopes them up until they can’t think straight and they off themselves," Perry explained in a mockingly slow voice. "They thought you were the weak one; but they got landed with me."

JD sighed hard. "But it did happen to you; you’ve got to deal with the repercussions. What happened to you?"

"Goddamn it, Newbie…this isn’t about me!"

"Yes it is, you idiot!" JD snarled at him. "Whether they were after someone else or not, they still got you!"

"You really want to know what happened?" Perry asked, voice low and dangerously angry.

"Yes, I want to know what happened," JD replied though his stomach jumped at the warningly raged look on Perry’s face.

JD didn’t have time to move as Perry grabbed a hold of his collar and dragged him to the bedroom.

"What the hell are you doing?" JD snapped, face pale as Perry threw him to the bed and slid his belt from his jeans.

"You still want to know what happened?"

Before JD could answer, Perry looped the belt around JD’s wrists securely and tightened them to a painful grip around his JD’s slender hands. He then tied them to the headboard.

"Perry, I don’t…"

Quickly and suddenly, Perry had slammed a hand against JD’s mouth and used his other hand to trail it down the slender body beneath him. His mouth drifted to JD’s neck where he bit at the pale skin hard enough that a mark bloomed beneath his tongue.

Arousal was quick and hot under the fear. JD struggled uncomfortably, at once realizing not only what had happened but also that Perry was using another distraction to avoid talking about it.

"I’m still going to ask you tomorrow and when we’re done tonight," JD snapped underneath Perry’s hand.

The hand that had been brutally roaming his body grabbed his half-hard erection almost viciously, rubbing hard to bring JD to full arousal. Perry groaned as he progressed, bringing his mouth up to worry against JD’s lips, tongue slipping over the surprised mouth. When he drifted away, he returned his hand to make sure JD couldn’t speak.

Perry slipped his hand away from JD’s erection, basking in the soft noise JD made when he had taken it up to tweak at one of JD’s nipples. He grinned against JD’s neck, hand sliding over the smooth skin and back down to JD’s pants.

JD groaned against the hand even though he knew exactly what was going on. He struggled against the tight belt around his wrists, wincing when a soft pop told him that his wrist could go no further without injuring it. He pushed up helplessly against Perry’s body in an attempt to get Perry to stop and look at him.

The hand roaming over him slipped beneath his pants and squeezed at his now-hard cock, pulling hard against the soft skin. JD let out another involuntary whimper again, rocking into the hard, callused hand. He pulled against the belt again, but this time it was because he wanted to touch Perry as well.

It was when JD opened his eyes and saw the wildly terrified look behind the easy, angry movements that he hardened his resolve to get Perry to stop.

God knows it wasn’t because he didn’t want it now too; if they kept going, Perry would only hate himself even more in the morning.

JD used his teeth and worked against Perry’s hand till he could nip a finger. "This isn’t going to make it any better; it just makes you like them," he snapped when Perry jerked his hand back.

Perry’s movements stopped almost immediately and he glared at JD. "You don’t know anything."

"I don’t because you won’t talk about it. All you’re doing is becoming just like them; is that what you want?"

Still aching with arousal and memories, Perry pulled off of him and leaned his head into his hands.

"Just get out," Perry finally hissed at him when the silence had drifted too long.

"But…"

"Get out." He glared at JD. "Get out, Newbie. Don’t come back and stay the hell away from me."

"I’m not leaving."

"Yes, you are, even if I have to throw your scrawny ass out into the hallway myself. You are leaving in the next five minutes."

"I’m not leaving just because you can’t deal!"

"I’m not letting you stay here just because you feel sorry for me! I’m tired of all of this fucking pity from you; there are some people you just can’t save!"

"You can’t let someone help until you decide you want it!"

JD didn’t have time to move again, and yelped at the fist that had suddenly planted itself right across his jaw. This time, however, JD struggled back again. As his hands were still tied, he kicked Perry as hard as he could directly in the ribs.

Perry let out a surprised shout and glared at JD as the anger boiled in his blood.

"That was a mistake."

"Why? What are you going to do?" JD asked harshly as he yanked at the belt. "Beat me like he beat you? Tie me up and rape me like he raped you?"

"Shut up!" Perry cried desperately, his voice shrill and high. Nausea and shame washed over him coldly.

It was then that the stars began to scream in his ears again. Perry shoved his hands over his head to struggle and block it out as his chest pounded and his throat hurt.

"Are you going to burn me and cut me up too? Are you going to put drugs in me until I can’t tell which way is up so I can hallucinate the memories away?" JD’s voice trailed back out.

"Shut up!" Perry landed another blow across JD’s chest.

JD gagged slightly as the breath was knocked from his chest. Mercilessly, Perry punched his stomach. This time, JD turned his head as best he could as he threw up on the sheets of the bed.

Perry stared at his hands in a horrified fashion. The bile had begun to rise in his throat as he whipped the belt from JD’s wrists.

It hit the ground with a plunking sound as he kneeled by the toilet and vomited miserably into the commode.

JD rubbed his wrists, wincing at the burn there. He walked over to the master bathroom. The mirror was still missing.

Perry gagged and retched, but as he stopped, he curled up in the tile floor, shaking.

"Just leave me alone, Newbie," he whispered. "I can’t do this with you right now."

"I’m not going to leave you alone," JD sighed as he sat down with him, leaning against the cabinets that held towels. He crossed his hands over his bent knees.

Perry stared at him as he wiped at his mouth. "God damn it; why can’t you just leave?"

JD shrugged, but didn’t reach out to him. "Because that’s what you want me to do; it’s what everyone else has done."

Perry felt his chest tighten and his stomach threatened to turn inside out again. Before he could say anything else, he was on his knees and throwing up again.

JD winced at the dry heaves and rested a hand against Perry’s back. Perry jerked and threw his hand off without removing his face from the commode.

"Please, JD," Perry hissed at him when he was done. "I swear to god, just leave me alone."

JD sighed and stood. "If you keep pushing people away this badly, Perry…no one will stick around you when you need them."

Perry didn’t reply as he flushed the toilet and lay on the floor, resting his cheek against the cold tile. One tear slipped down his cheek as he clenched his fists.

"Just…please. Just leave."

The tears rolled down his face in earnest then, and JD did leave. Not because Perry asked him to, or even because he wanted to.

This was a level of misery that JD simply couldn’t watch the man put himself through. Remembering their first argument, JD entered the kitchen to look for the letter he had thrown at Perry’s chest days ago.

JD frowned as he flipped open the notebook and it fell out into his lap as he sat down. JD ran his fingers over it. He’d never read it, but he decided now was as good a time as any.

Pulling at the edges gingerly, JD pulled the folded sheet of aged paper out to read.

Newbie,

You know why I’ve got to leave. No one there is going to be safe unless I do, so I don’t want to hear any speeches from you about how there must be another way; I’ve got to stay; blah, blah, blah, etc. You know why I can’t.

Don’t wait for me; don’t hurt for me. Make sure and move on as best you can, and don’t cry. Take care of Jack; you promised to. Make sure you don’t let Jordan corrupt him into a demonic spawn of Satan like her, and make sure Barbie doesn’t turn him into a neurotic whiner.

I love you, JD. I have since you refused to give up on me when everyone else had. I did when you were the first intern in years to stay under my services after the way I tried to break you. And I know you love me too, so don’t worry about that, Jenny.

If I come back, I won’t be the same man I was before; I know that already. Don’t give up on me then either. I’ve never given up on you.

I love you, John. Please take care of yourself.

Perry

JD sighed brokenly and stared back down at the hallway. He leaned his head onto his arms and for the first time in a while, gave into the urge to sob.

Perry heard the crying from his curled up position in the bathroom. It hurt even worse now, and the pain was building up until he felt like his chest was going to explode and kill him then.

It surprised him how much he wished it would.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Elliot knocked on the door with a sigh.

When Jordan answered it, she debated slamming it in Blondie’s face. Jack was on her hip and in a terrible mood, however, so she simply stepped aside.

"Hi, Jacky," Elliot said as cheerily as she could manage.

Jack glared at his mother and reached for Elliot. "Barbie!" he crowed.

Jordan pushed away the betrayal she felt and handed Jack off to Elliot. "Maybe you can get him to calm down, Blondie."

"Aw, what’s wrong, Jack?" Elliot asked, giving him an eskimo kiss.

Jack frowned and glared at his mother. He’d only wanted to eat ice cream first and then his vegetables; she was the one who needed a talking to.

"He won’t eat his vegetables," Jordan replied tiredly as she sat down on the couch.

"If you eat your vegetables, I’ll read you two stories," Elliot offered to him with a smile.

Jack considered. Barbie read better stories then Mommy did. And two from her was, in his mind, worth a pile of green beans (which he actually liked).

"Okay, Barbie," he finally giggled and Elliot took him to the kitchen to feed him the offending food.

Jordan picked up a pillow and snarled into it as quietly as possible. Jack had thrown them, pushed them off his plate, squished them with his hands, chewed them up and spit them out at her, and had even thrown his plate across the kitchen.

The sight of Jack eating the beans placidly was almost too much as Elliot made train-noises and laughed along with him.

An hour and two stories later, Jack was sleeping peacefully in his racecar bed and Elliot was shutting the door quietly behind her after double-checking his clown night-light.

Jordan stood in the hallway, arms crossed and propped against the wall. "I just now finished getting the green beans off the ceiling."

Elliot grinned despite herself and plucked one from Jordan’s light brown hair. She held it up and headed for the kitchen to throw it away.

Jordan followed her, arms still firmly crossed against her chest. "What do you want, Blondie?" she asked tiredly.

Elliot turned and sat down at the table. "I want to talk."

"I am really tired right now, Barbie; I’m not sure I’ve really got anything in me."

"I don’t want to have sex; I didn’t say that."

"Usually amounts to the same thing, doesn’t it?" Jordan finally sat down as well.

"Why are you so scared to let someone care about you and Jack?"

"Honest answer to that is that no one sticks, princess," Jordan said easily after a moment. "Not like they used to, anyway." She looked up at Elliot. "After you leave, someone else will come along too. I don’t want Jack growing up like that."

"Who said anything about me leaving?"

"If I don’t kick you out first, you will on your own. No one sticks around."

"They will if you let them," Elliot said quietly. "I care about you, Jordan. I do."

"Sweet sentiments, Barbie." Jordan stood. "I can’t afford that in my life right now."

"So you’re just going to kick me out because I’m willing to make it work?"

"No." Jordan turned finally and looked at her. Elliot felt shock wash over her when she saw the wetness floating in those eyes. "Because I’m afraid that if I try, I won’t be able to do it."

Jordan turned and left, ignoring whatever Elliot was saying. She entered her bedroom, locked the door behind her, and lay on the bed. She pulled a pillow close to her and hugged it desperately.

Elliot’s faint smell of something floral and light was on it, mixed with her shampoo. Jordan hugged it tighter when the soft knocks came on her door.

"Jordan, please open the door," Elliot whispered outside of it, hoping she wouldn’t wake Jack.

Jordan buried her face into the pillow, and told herself she wasn’t crying because of Elliot. She told herself that it was for Jack’s sake that she was ending this. She even told herself that she wasn’t ending anything except a purely physical affair.

The biggest thing she told herself was that she wasn’t in love.

And when you were telling yourself three lies in a row, it generally meant the fourth thing was a lie as well.

The tears came harder, washing over the pillow in a salty, sticky mess.

Elliot began pleading a few moments later, her own voice thick and intense.

Jordan ignored that too as the tears turned to sobs. She muffled her voice as best she could into the pillow again, and tried to make herself sleep so she wouldn’t have to hear it anymore.

Elliot sighed and quit knocking. She leaned her head against the door, sliding down it to her knees.

"I’m not going anywhere," she finally said, even though she knew Jordan was ignoring her. "Because this is right, and you know it."

Jordan turned on her other side and didn’t sleep.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

JD plopped down at the cafeteria table in front of Elliot that morning. They both had the same tired, drawn looks on their faces.

"No luck for you either, huh?" JD asked quietly as he craned his neck to pop it. He’d fallen asleep on the table last night, and had shoved the letter into his wallet when he’d woken up. He’d checked on Perry once, but the man only told him to leave again.

"Not really," Elliot said dully, rubbing her own neck. She had slept against a wall the previous night, and her voice was hoarse and tight.

JD laughed weakly. "We sure can pick ‘em."

"I’m about done; I don’t know about you," Elliot said honestly. She looked up at him, surprised suddenly at JD’s loss of weight and the dark circles that had formed beneath his eyes.

"I don’t know how much more I can take," JD agreed quietly. "I didn’t know Jordan’s fear ran that deep."

"I didn’t know Dr. Cox was having such a huge issue."

JD shrugged. "We ought to just throw them both in a car and drive them around until they go crazy and just crack." He stood and grabbed his coffee to walk out of the cafeteria.

Halfway there, however, he turned to look at Elliot, who had her head cocked to the side in thought.

"You coming?" he asked.

"Thinking," Elliot said, shaking her head as she grabbed her own coffee and donned her white lab-coat. "You think that would actually help?"

"I was joking."

"You never know," Elliot said thoughtfully. "You really think just keeping them in a car for a while would make them come to their senses?"

"Elliot, I don’t like that look on your face. Carla’s going to have her baby any day now, and I don’t want to miss that."

"I’m still thinking," Elliot snapped at him. "Come on, let’s talk."

XXXXXXXXXX

Perry hadn’t moved from the bathroom, so afraid he was to get up and face himself after what he’d done.

Pacing Perry…just like your captors now, are you? I knew I taught you something. Or was that tweaked-out Joshua who showed you how to do that one? Bravo, Pacing Perry, bravo.

Perry couldn’t cry anymore, couldn’t heave his stomach contents anymore. He could barely move for the pain that racked his body now. He sat up, leaned against the cabinets. With his arms wrapped around his body, he leaned his head against his bent knees and wondered how much longer he would have to fight it before it went away.

Even as a doctor, he knew how stupid it was to insist that one was stronger then the memory that hurt. The mind was the greatest enemy after all; the only way to beat it was to lose it completely.

Perry sighed as his stomach rolled against him, and his heartbeat sped up in warning. He silently begged his body to stop, but he moved for the toilet again anyway. Nothing came up except a bit of blood and spit.

He gasped hard over the commode, gripping the sides in fear and pain. He lay down on the floor again, staring up at the light of the bathroom.

It was bright, and almost hurt his eyes to look at from the pressure he felt around his brain. He squinted a bit at it, and then shut his eyes again. He clenched his shaking hands to his face, rubbing the skin hard to try and push away some of the sticky sweat that had been drying there.

And the stars were back, clucking at him like a child. The light above his head seemed to flicker at him in patient tones, trying to comfort him and drown out the horrible voices of the stars in his head. Desperate fear blinded his mind.

The voices were back, and he couldn’t drown them out. He clapped his hands over the sides of his head, but the stars laughed at him and wanted to know if it made him feel better. The scream had ripped from his throat as the laugher drowned out what could have been a kind voice from the lights.

JD had checked on him once that morning, but left for work. Suddenly and desperately without knowing why, Perry wished JD was with him again.

With shaking legs and wobbly knees, Perry swayed out to the bedroom, grasping blindly for his pager. His fingers finally closed around it, the cool plastic throwing his body into sharp relief. He collapsed to his knees again, resting his forehead against his dresser. The stars chuckled at him, teased him, taunted him.

The next sound that left his mouth was something like a whimper, groan, and scream all frantically mixed together as he tried to drown it out and focus on that piece of plastic in his hands.

With another shrill howl of panic as his stomach rolled again, he struggled to calm his shaking body. Suddenly more afraid and fearful then ever, Perry closed an arm around his waist and used the other to manipulate the pager and send JD a message.

XXXXXXXXXXX

JD was trying to tune out the crazy scheme from Elliot when his beeper went off. Sighing with irritation, he debated on ignoring it for a moment. He had an intern lately that was horribly needy.

JD put a hand up to still Elliot’s running mouth and peered at the message. "Elliot, get someone to cover my shift; I have to leave," he said as icy terror gripped his heart.

"JD, what’s going on?" she called after him as he grabbed his hoodie from beneath the desk.

"I’ve just got to go; just do it!" He shoved the sweater over his head without bothering to remove the hood from his hair. He stared at the message again as his hands began to shake.

JD…please come…need you.

Continues with Chapter 9