My Reality

Chapter Six

When JD woke the next morning, his throat was sore and tight, and he had the sensation that something furry was lying next to him.

Christ, did Janitor put a raccoon in my bed again…?

But the furry thing had skin on it, and JD slowly opened his gritty eyes. Perry slept soundly in front of him, head buried in JD's blanket.

JD smirked softly. Perry had pulled the blanket mostly off of him during the night to use as a makeshift pillow. Gently, JD tugged Perry's hand from his neck and slid off the couch.

Perry mumbled something in his sleep, but otherwise didn't move.

JD looked at him amusingly. "Man are you ever going to be sore when you wake up, old man."

"M'not old, Veronica," Perry grumbled. "I could still kick your ass to the east coast and back before you even felt the first punch."

JD cleared his throat and padded softly into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee.

Perry scrubbed at his eyes and looked at the cracked cast on his hand with a grimace. In hindsight, it was hard to recall why the anger had suddenly and so swiftly lashed from him.

JD pushed the start button on the machine and sat back down on the couch as Perry straightened, groaning at the sore muscles from being in such an odd position all night.

"Okay, I'll ask again now," JD muttered. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I was too hung over to think and had another drink instead of taking aspirin for four days," Perry grumbled and yawned as he rubbed his neck.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"Christ, Newbie, it's too early," Perry muttered. "Can't you give me a minute?"

JD shrugged. "I'm no expert…"

"That's for damn sure."

"But the quicker you talk about it, the faster you can at least start to try and get better."

Still silent, Perry pulled himself to his feet. He walked into the kitchen and sat down there at the table. A notebook sat on the smooth surface.

Perry frowned and opened it up. He had read no more then the first few lines when he slammed it shut again.

JD sighed and sat down at the table with him. "That's your notebook."

"I gathered that from the handwriting, Betsy. Your handwriting's more loopy and girly."

Still sounding wary, JD plunked a cup of steaming coffee in front of him. "You were writing in it during your first couple of weeks home. I haven't read it."

Perry sniffed the coffee experimentally. "I guess three years of bringing me coffee finally paid off, Newbie."

"Yeah."

They sat in silence for a few minutes as they both drank from the mugs. JD finally sighed and pushed the cup away.

"I have a shift today."

"You're covering mine, aren't you, Newbie?"

JD didn't answer right away as he took another sip from the mug.

"Christ, I don't want people covering my shifts at work," Perry snapped as he stood. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine!" JD replied harshly. "Were you on another planet called Stupid-ville yesterday?"

"Newbie, now isn't the time to…"

"No, I think it's the perfect time!" JD shouted, anger suddenly bubbling up. He watched as Perry frowned angrily himself. "You've been walking around like a zombie ever since you got back! And now you want to stand there after what's been happening for the past two weeks and tell me you're fine? How hard did that crazy bastard hit you?"

Perry shot him a barely controlled frown of rage. "Not as hard as I'm going to hit you if you don't back off."

"I'm not backing down on this one," JD said firmly as he crossed his arms and planted his feet to the floor. "And you know as well as I do that I shouldn't."

"You are so cle-hearly wrong that I am once again surprised at your ignorance."

"What part of torture, beating, abuse, and rape didn't you get? No one gets better that quickly, and you know it!"

Perry looked at him sharply. "How the hell did you know?"

JD's face went slightly red. "I was the one who did the examination. You wouldn't let anyone else near you."

Perry's face colored slightly and the anger was clear in his eyes and mouth. His hands shook at his sides in clenched fists as he stared at JD.

"You son of a bitch," he spat.

"Tell me something I don't know," JD muttered smartly. He sent Perry a glare of his own. "Is it easier to just run around and be angry at people? Is it easier to accept what happened to you as long as you get to beat on someone?"

"I'm not trying to beat on you, stupid," Perry retorted sharply. "I'm beating on you right now because you're being a nosy smart ass. This is none of your business, Clara, and you had no right to do the goddamn examination yourself!"

JD stared at him. "Is it so hard for you to talk to someone about this? Why do you have to keep doing it this way?"

"This is who I am, Newbie." Perry felt his nails digging into his palms, trying to feel the usual calm that came with the sharp pain. Relief didn't come so easy this time.

"You're not the man you were before!" JD pointed out, but his voice cracked slightly. "You can't come out of this and just pretend nothing ever happened!"

"So what the hell have you been doing for the past six months while I was gone? Tell me that, Sara Lee. You've been walking around that goddamn hospital, pretending to act like me, all the while knowing that you're not who you were before this happened either!"

JD slammed his fists into the table, spilling drops of coffee over the notebook Perry had written in so furiously months before.

"What the hell was I supposed to do?"

"You were supposed to let it go! Didn't you read that goddamn letter?"

JD shoved a hand into the front pocket of his hoodie and threw it at him. "I never read it because I knew you'd be back."

Perry stared at the aged envelope, where his handwriting had faded slightly and he stared at JD. Hurt joined the rage on his face.

"And now, I'm going to work because one of us has to accept everything and move on," JD snapped.

Perry didn't reply, but JD had already stormed out of the room. The older man kneeled down and picked up the envelope, running his fingers over it. He distantly heard the door slam as JD left.

Rage bubbled beneath the surface, but the emotions beneath it fueled it to violence. Hurt and abandonment combined to a level of desolation that had begun to swallow him whole.

Without warning, Perry suddenly let out a ripped scream of frustration as he slammed his fists into the table. His hand gave a cry of pain beneath the cast as he sank down into the chair.

The wrist-thumping made a light noise in the quiet kitchen. Coffee dripped quietly on the floor, and Perry watched as the brown liquid spread over the tile.

Not knowing why, he slipped to the floor quietly and let his forehead rest beneath the hot droplets. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly as he dug his nails into his palm again, leaving light, crescent-shaped marks in his hand.

The relief did come this time as the dripping began to slow.

Perry stared up at the bottom of the table, his wrist beginning to ache dully as he repeatedly banged it into the hard floor. Tilting his head slightly, he noticed the window in the kitchen.

He didn't know what was worse; the fact that it was the first real semblance of normal he'd had in days or the fact that he knew he was going crazy all over again.

The cycle had simply repeated itself, only now it wasn't just four days of horrible anguish that he had to deal with. Now it was six months and four days.

The window was slightly foggy, and he watched the window as the sun slowly lit it up. This glass was vague and barely translucent, as had been the other two. He thumped his wrist sharply.

The coffee had stopped dripping by the time he was finally able to stand. Perry walked slowly to the guest bathroom and entered. He hadn't looked in a mirror since that awful day in the burned out house.

The mirror didn't seem threatening as he stared at it. The bruises across his face had begun to fade, and a faint scar was still across his neck where Elijah had slashed him so long ago. His face had dropped weight, bringing out the angles of his cheekbones even more.

The angry, pale face staring back at him still didn't look real to him. The mirror seemed to laugh at him, showing him a parody of a man that had once existed but was now brought down to nothing.

Perry gripped the edge of the sink, looking down at the drain. He flipped on the water, closing his eyes as the white noise filled the room. He passed his fingers under the stream, and stripped off his hoodie and shirt.

Raising his eyes slowly back to the mirror, he turned to survey the lash-like scarring on his back. Steam slowly rose from the faucet as the water turned hot.

He bent down slightly to rest his head on a hand. There really wasn't going to be any coming back from this one. Elijah had broken his spirit, Joshua had stolen his dreams. In retrospect, Perry determined that the twin boys had probably done the same to each other.

He raised his head to look at the mirror again. Slowly, blue eyes faded to a sharp green in his mind's eye, and the face became hollow as Elijah's face came back into view.

Pathetic…Perry grumbled in his head as he stared at the wiry face. He closed his eyes, hoping the image would go away when he opened them again.

When he did look at the mirror again, his face was simply blurry, as if he didn't know what he wanted to see there. Perry could easily admit to himself that he knew he didn't want to see himself anymore.

The anger was easy to indulge, but Perry was pretty certain that he'd broken enough in the past few days to last him a while. He clenched his hands on the edge of the sink harder in a desperate effort to keep them from shaking or from punching anything.

He still stared, willing his face to become clear again. It didn't. Still, the anger rose, but the hurt and fear came with it, swirling hard in his chest and throat as he tensed where he stood.

The memories were clearer now that he had slept. He could understand JD's reluctance to help him out at all. Perhaps he should have just opted to not try to remember at all.

But the fact was, now he could remember all those days spent in a cramped closet with JD's hoodie being the only thing anchoring him. He could remember Newbie's fuzzy face, and the many emotions that Newbie often went through to help him out.

Perry glared at his hands. They were still trying to shake against the cool surface of the sink. The lost feeling was still there, and Perry was pretty sure he hated that feeling more then anything.

And it wasn't even necessarily because Perry felt like he couldn't find his way back. He'd been a doctor long enough to see people come out of everything; comas, addictions, deaths, cancer…

The face was still blurry in the mirror. Perry was sure now that it was blurry because he couldn’t even begin to sort out his life. There was no true feeling of who he was anymore.

His hands shook in their stiff holding. His knees felt wobbly, and the nausea swept over him tightly. Still, Perry swallowed hard and slid down to the floor, sick of the sight of his blurred features.

You can't just pretend you're alright when we both know you're not.

Newbie probably had a point there. But the kid always seemed to have a point these days.

Perry knew the world was going to hell in a merry little handbasket when he could admit that JD had a point worth considering besides the one on his head.

XXXXXX

Jordan puttered around the kitchen quietly as Elliot draped her lab coat over her arm. Jack toddled in after her, hands reaching for the white material.

"Morning," Elliot said amicably as she sat down at the table. Jack pulled at the coat. "Mine," she told him firmly and pulled it back.

Jack's small face threatened to scream. "Mine," he repeated even more firmly then she had.

Elliot stared at him. "Come on, Jack…I need it for work today."

"He's going to scream if you don't give it to him," Jordan mentioned absently as she mechanically dropped spoonfuls of coffee grounds into the filter.

"Then he can scream. I just ironed it," Elliot replied and jerked the coat from Jack's reach.

Jack screwed his face up and took a deep breath.

Jordan jumped from her daze as Jack's high-pitched wail filled the air. "Oh, for the love of God, Blondie…he's not going to wreck it."

Elliot grumbled something beneath her breath, but relinquished her coat reluctantly to the small boy.

Almost immediately, Jack beamed her a smile and ran off with the coat scrunched securely in his hands.

"He's going to wrinkle it," Elliot muttered as Jordan stood still in front of the coffee pot. Elliot looked at her with a confused frown. "Are you going to start it or are you trying to turn it on with your mind?"

Jordan shook her head slightly, and pushed the start button without acknowledging Elliot's remark.

"Are you feeling okay?" Elliot asked at Jordan's silence.

Again, Jordan seemed to jump as she turned, a slightly fake smile plastered on her face.

"Just fine, princess. If you're done playing mommy though, you're going to be late if you don't get moving."

"I've still got an hour before I have to go in," Elliot reminded her, voice slightly concerned as she stood. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," Jordan replied in irritation, walking away from Elliot to grab Jack for breakfast. "I didn't sleep well. Can you back off?"

Elliot shrugged. "Just trying to…"

"What you're trying to do is piss me off," Jordan retorted sharply, and plopped Jack down in his booster seat. She pushed a bowl of cereal towards him.

Jack giggled and smacked the side of the bowl. It promptly tipped over and spilled over Elliot's lab coat.

Elliot groaned and took the coat from Jack, who now amused himself with the spoon and bowl of dripping cereal.

"Thanks, Jacky," Elliot muttered, passing a hand casually over his hair as she walked out of the room to try and rinse her coat.

Jordan stared at Jack, who beamed her a smile. "Jacky…" she trailed off with an affectionate smile. "Eat."

"Eat," Jack replied.

"You're just being a regular aper lately," Jordan mumbled so Jack couldn't hear her. She sat down by the booster seat, and righted the bowl of spilled cereal. She absently refilled the bowl with more milk and cereal.

Jack frowned. Normally when he spilled his cereal like that, Mommy usually had something more to say then "eat". So naturally (to any three year old of course), he smacked the bowl again.

Jordan jumped and sighed. She only grabbed a dish towel from the oven handle and cleaned up the cereal absently.

Elliot watched Jordan's scattered movements in concern. Something was definitely up, but Jordan obviously didn't want to talk about whatever it was.

"Hey, Jacky," Elliot said as she sat down. "You want some more cereal or do you want a banana?"

"Nana," Jack replied.

Elliot retrieved said fruit and cut it up for him. Jordan rinsed the towel out in the sink as the coffee finished making and watched as Elliot persuaded the boy to eat his breakfast.

"Jordan, I can drop Jack off at daycare on my way to work if you want," Elliot offered.

"Sure."

Elliot fisted her hands to her hips. "What the hell is going on with you?"

Jordan looked at her. "There's nothing going on. I already told you, princess; I didn't sleep well last night."

"That's a crock."

"Astute of you. Really." Jordan jerked her head towards Jack, who had started to stare at them curiously. "Can we not do this right now?"

Elliot sighed angrily. "You can't fall back on Jack being in the room forever."

Jordan glared at her, though she knew Elliot was right. Still, she said nothing as she left the kitchen to finish getting ready to leave as well.

When she returned, Jack and Elliot were gone. Elliot's note explained that she had, in fact, gone ahead and taken Jack to daycare for her.

Jordan grinned despite herself as she crossed an arm over her chest. Elliot's neat handwriting (which must be a first, as all doctors have shoddy penmanship) firmly told her at the bottom that they were going to have it out.

And soon.

Sitting back down to finish her coffee, Jordan smacked her forehead lightly in self-deprecation.

It had only been a matter of sex, at first. An enjoyable fling at most. After all, there wasn't much wrong with two women having a close, intimate relationship with no strings attached, was there?

Jordan groaned as she finished the cup of coffee in front of her. Somewhere between Perry's disappearance, Jack's kidnapping, and now, something else was there. She frowned. And it was most certainly unwelcome.

As the coffee was still fresh, Jordan poured another cup. Caffeine was good for the metabolism, even though more then a couple cups in the morning made her crabby.

But oh…this whole relationship with Elliot just wasn't sex anymore. Sighing, Jordan stared gloomily out the window, concentrating on the warm ceramic in her hands as the coffee heated it. This just wasn't going to work, not like this.

A small part of her mind yelled that it could indeed work, and it would probably be pretty sweet. Jordan glared at the coffee as if it were the one telling her that.

She drank the rest of it as if to show it who the boss was. Jordan rubbed her forehead with the faint knowledge that when she started getting mad at coffee for her own thoughts, she really was beginning to crack.

Jordan crossed her arms and leaned back in the chair. The anger was there, mostly at herself, for even starting the whole thing in the first place. It had been fun at first, and the boredom of life had dissipated when they had begun.

Hell, it was still fun when Jordan wasn't so crabby. She sighed and stood to put the rest of her coffee in a travel mug.

Buck up, Sullivan. You're got to keep it together. You've got to keep your head on straight. You've got to focus.

Even as Jordan slipped into her car, the thought was still there, sitting in the back of her mind as she drove.

And you've got to stop falling in love.

XXXXXXXXX

Jordan knew when she entered the hospital to pick up paperwork that it was a mistake. She could have anyone just bring them to her. She could have brought Jack with her. She could have asked Elliot to bring them with her after work when Jack would be at home.

Sighing, Jordan reluctantly gave knowledge to the fact that it would simply look odd if she didn't pick it up herself. And it needed to be done tonight.

So Jordan simply took a deep breath, reminded herself that if she could bring Perry Cox to his knees like a little girl, Elliot Reid should be no different.

Carla smiled pleasantly enough at her. "Afternoon, Jordan."

Jordan only nodded at her in hopes of getting in and out as soon as possible. She grabbed the paperwork she needed from her office, and was almost free and clear to the elevator when Elliot saw her.

"Hey, Jordan," Elliot called casually. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"I've really got some work to do, princess."

Elliot laughed at that, and then sobered immediately. "Now."

"I don't take to orders."

But Elliot only stared at her. "It'll only be a minute," she said with a forced, sweet smile. "Really."

"My office then," Jordan finally muttered when she recognized the stubborn look in Elliot's face. "I'm not obligated to listen, princess."

Elliot snorted at that as they entered Jordan's office.

Jordan rounded her desk and slapped the paperwork down as Elliot closed and locked the door.

"So what's so important?" Jordan asked her absently, hoping that her tone would give the other woman the impression that she really was busy today.

"What the hell is bothering you?"

Jordan raised an eyebrow as she shifted through papers in an effort to look busy. "Why doesn't a simple "nothing" suffice for you, blondie? You and I don't deal in emotions and moods, sweets."

"God, why does it always have to be like this with you?" Elliot snapped angrily.

"Because this is who I am," Jordan retorted sharply back. "I don't ask you when you're having a problem; I'd like the same courtesy, princess. This," she went on, gesturing to the two of them, "Is just sex. You and I know that."

A slow look of realization slid over Elliot's face. "Is that what this is about? That it's not just about the sex anymore?"

Jordan forced a mocking look to her features. "Good god, blondie, are you actually falling for me? I thought you knew better then that."

"Not me," Elliot said slowly as she stared at Jordan. "You."

Jordan looked at her angrily. "Just because you say it a lot in your bubble head late at night when I'm asleep doesn't mean it'll become true. Now why don't you go parade your pretty little ass in the hallway and back off? I've got real work to do."

Elliot glared at her. "You're not going to just blow me off after that."

"I won't be doing much of anything to you if you don't leave."

The blond pushed her fists into Jordan's desk, eliciting a casual, amused look from the older woman.

"This isn't just about sex anymore and you know it."

"It is if I say it is," Jordan replied and looked back down at the blurry paperwork in front of her.

"Just because you say it a lot in your manic-depressive head late at night when you think I don't know you're watching me doesn't mean it'll be true," Elliot seethed back.

Jordan shot her a warning glance. "You're treading on thin ice, princess."

"And so are you. Why is it so hard for you to let someone care about you? Or to care about them back?"

"Because I don't give a rat's ass," Jordan replied simply, though her insides shook. Watch it, Sullivan…just shut up now and apologize later. "And because I don't care about you; I told you from the beginning. It's just sex."

The hurt washed over Elliot's face briefly only to be replaced by more fury. "Fine. Care about this." Elliot turned on her heel and slammed the door behind her.

"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!" Jordan yelled, and immediately berated herself for it as she flopped down into her chair.

Way to go, Sullivan. How much more do you think you can screw this up?

Jordan rubbed her face gently, hoping she didn't smudge her make-up. When she saw something wet smear the typed papers in front of her, she told herself it was a leak in the ceiling.

XXXXXXXXXX

When JD returned to the apartment, Perry was sitting at the kitchen table, flipping through the notebook that he'd left there.

"Why didn't you just read the goddamn letter?" Perry asked before JD could say anything.

JD shrugged, realizing his temper was no better now either. "Because I knew you'd be back. I didn't want to sit around and read your dying words."

"You should've read it, Newbie."

"You can't keep pushing the situation away," JD said after a moment. "And you can't keep pretending nothing happened to you. You'll go insane that way."

Perry looked at him with an undeterminable expression. He got to his feet and rounded the table, grabbing JD's shoulders before the younger doctor could sit.

"What?" JD asked warily.

Without warning, Perry suddenly caught JD's mouth in a bruising kiss that rocked the floor beneath their feet. JD gasped in surprise, hands automatically coming up in defense.

Perry wrapped a hand around the back of JD's neck in an almost brutal fashion, keeping his mouth planted firmly to his own. JD mumbled something against the kiss, but Perry only worked his mouth against his, running a hard, slick tongue against JD's lips.

The other hand trailed roughly and possessively down JD's side to rest on his hip.

JD struggled for a moment before he seemed to give up. He slid his hands across Perry's face, feeling the slight scruff of a beard that had grown there. He lined his body up to Perry's, allowing the other man to use the kitchen table for balance.

Perry let his other hand rest firmly on JD's other hip, lowering his mouth to attack JD's pale throat.

"What the…" JD's voice caught in a strangled gasp as Perry suddenly thrust his hips forward against his own. Something in the back of JD's mind told him that something wasn't right about this.

Perry kissed him almost desperately again, rocking his erection against the younger doctor's. His hands tightened on JD's hips, hard enough to leave bruises in the morning. He walked backwards, pulling JD with him in an effort to make it to the couch.

JD pushed a hand through Perry's hair, gripping the strands tightly as arousal became a hot ball of fire in his groin, working its way through his blood. His pulse pumped loudly in his ears as Perry pushed him over and onto the couch.

JD pulled harshly at Perry's shirt to get it off of him, frantically trying to run fingers over skin.

Perry seemed to be having none of that, yanking JD's scrubs top and under-shirt off first. He worked his way down JD's chest, tasting skin and biting enough to leave marks. He felt a hand pull roughly at his hair, and allowed JD to jerk his head back up for another devastatingly bruising kiss.

"What the hell is up with you?" JD managed to rasp out as Perry mercilessly pushed a hand to the bulge in JD's scrubs bottoms.

Perry didn't reply, and only slipped a leg between JD's to increase the friction upon his own erection. JD's breathing was a roar in his ears and he trailed his free hand to JD's pale chest.

JD gasped sharply and rocked his hips towards Perry's fingers. He let his hands race across Perry's body as he struggled to kiss whatever skin he could reach.

"Christ," Perry exhaled sharply as he thrust against the pliant body beneath him.

If he hadn't said anything at all, JD might not have tried to stop him at that point. JD suddenly had the clarity in his head, however, that something was very wrong here.

"Stop," JD gasped and gripped hard on Perry's wrist. "Why are you doing this?"

Perry only stared at him in an almost frantic fashion. "Just shut up, Newbie, would you?"

"No," JD replied, looking at him softly. "You can't use…this as an excuse to avoid talking about it."

"Newbie, stop it," Perry snapped, but his voice sounded shrill again. "I can't try to have sex with you when I want to?"

JD slipped from underneath his body, struggling to calm his hormones. If he let Perry do this now, it would only be used again later as an excuse to push everything away.

"Not like this," JD finally said after a moment. He stood and walked to the kitchen to stick his head in the freezer.

Perry linked his hands atop his head with a hard sigh. The tears were already threatening against his eyes again.

JD returned a moment later and sat down beside him on the couch. "You want to watch a movie?"

Perry gave a hard bark of laughter at that. "Not really."

JD shrugged. "I'll watch one then." He threw in the first thing he could grab and sat back down to watch the movie.

It had only been on for fifteen minutes before JD felt Perry's arm drape itself casually over his shoulders.

"You know we're not done talking about this," JD finally said after a minute.

Perry sighed. "Yeah, Newbie." He stood. "I know." He turned and walked off to the bedroom.

Lying still on the bed, Perry held his shaking hands up. He clenched and unclenched his fingers before letting his limbs fall back to the bed.

How much more do you think you can fuck this one up, huh?

Continues with Chapter 7