My Reality

Chapter Four

Dr. Kelso looked at Perry with narrowed eyes. "You want to come back to work already?"

Perry squeezed the bridge of his nose. "Look, Bobbo, I haven't forgotten medical school. I'm sick of not being able to do anything. Christ; if you're so nervous about it, give me a watchdog or something that I can punch around."

Ted stood behind Kelso, nervously shifting from foot to foot. "If he clears a psychological exam, sir, there's no real reason why you can't let him return to work."

"Ted, if I want your opinion, I'll check myself into therapy to make sure there's nothing wrong me. Shut up." Kelso leaned back in the seat. "You'll have to submit random drug tests."

Perry raised an eyebrow. The memories still weren't clear, but after inspecting his arms yesterday, he recognized track marks when he saw them.

"Understandable," Perry finally muttered. "You want to shove a leash up my ass too?"

"Tempting. But no." Kelso pulled the schedule out of his desk and slipped his glasses on. "Can you cover tomorrow for Dr. Imus?"

"That tub of lard? Oh come on, what's his excuse?"

"He's checking in for gastric by-pass surgery," Kelso replied evenly.

Perry snorted. "About time. Yeah."

"Then we'll see you bright and early at six AM, Perry," Kelso finished up with a mocking smile. "Oh, and Perry?"

Grimacing, Perry turned. Damn, I was almost out… "Yeah, bobcat?"

"You will have a watchdog. Report to Dr. Dorian in the morning."

Perry felt like slitting his wrists.

XXXXXXX

JD yawned as he drank from a cup of coffee. The sun hadn't yet come up, and he felt exhausted. He hadn't been able to sleep well lately, between the torrential kiss shared with Perry in the rain and the consequential thoughts that followed.

He groaned to himself and leaned his head down to his arms on the desk. Just when he'd begun to calm down his hormones, remembering why he hadn't been able to sleep shoved them back through his system in full-force. Trying to think of things that were truly disgusting, JD stood straight again and inspected the charts in front of him.

"Um…Dr. Dorian?" Susan asked carefully, blowing a piece of brown hair from her eyes.

JD gave her a withering look. "For the love of god, Brownie…it is six in the morning and you've just come in. Can you not go one lousy minute without asking me a question first thing?"

"It's not that…it's just…uh…that guy who left the ICU a week ago…?"

JD frowned. "Yeah; what about him?"

"He's uh…tearing Derek a new one."

"Who's Derek?"

"Marie?" Susan tried.

JD groaned and followed Susan to where Perry was, indeed, ripping the frightened intern a new one.

"So you see, Judy, I re-he-heally didn't think anyone could possibly be more annoying then your boss, but I was so clearly wrong that I think I might have to go back to therapy just to forget about you! What kind of idiot accidentally knocks out an IV?"

"But I didn't…"

Perry cut him off with a sharp whistle. "No, you don't get to talk." He slapped a chart into Derek's chest, taking the one the intern held in his hand. "Now I'll fix this guy. Go take care of the salmonella poisoning in the next room."

Derek flew out of the room, eyes already watering.

Susan groaned. "Great, now there's two of you."

Perry whirled around. "Yo, Brownie. I didn't ask you to talk; my only rule is that you never talk ever, at least not where I can hear you. Skip off!"

JD entered the room amusingly. "Why are you here? You should be at home trying to rest."

"I don't need any more rest, Newbie. There's nothing wrong with my medical skills."

"You're not fit to be here, Dr. Cox. Go home."

"Kelso cleared me already to work today and cover for Dr. Imus; I'm not going anywhere! Quit ordering me around, Clarissa!"

Derek and Susan listened quietly outside the door to the loud argument in the coma patient's room.

"Did he just call Dr. Dorian Clarissa?" Susan hissed.

Derek nodded with some excitement in his face. "God, I thought he was joking when he said he used to have a mentor like him."

"Shh! I'm trying to listen!"

"You've just now gotten home from god knows where and you don't even remember a freaking thing! I'm telling you that you're not able to work today! And we all know that the bag of bones pretending to be chief of medicine doesn't know his ass from his elbow; he's not treated a patient in two years!"

"I'm not going home, Jenny. I'm going to work today. Now if you don't get your scrawny crippled ass out of my way, I'm going to break you into two small pieces and then hide them so no one will ever find them again; are we clear, Ashley?"

JD struggled to calm his rising temper. Getting angry would do nothing but exacerbate the situation. He blocked the doorway and hoped to God that Perry wouldn't make bank on his threat.

"I'm not going to tell you again, Dr. Cox. Go home."

"Get out of my way."

"Unless you're going to walk out this door and then exit the hospital, I'm not going anywhere."

Susan pressed her ear closer to the doorway with Derek nearly on top of her to do the same. "God, I'd pay to be a fly on the wall in there," Susan hissed.

JD remembered vaguely that he had once again forgotten his cane.

"I'm not going home today, Newbie. Let me pass."

JD planted his feet into the floor. Perry's facial muscles gave a tic of warning, and his lips thinned into a furious frown.

"No."

Perry leaned forward and grabbed a hold of JD's scrubs top to pull him away from the floor.

Off-balanced by the sudden jerking motion, JD rushed forward with a thud into Perry's chest, knocking them both to the ground.

Susan felt the door give without warning as she and Derek tumbled into the room.

"Oh, for the love of Christ, Brownie," JD snapped as he struggled to stand. "Were ya listening at the door with a water glass too?"

Perry stood with a grunt of anger and left the room before JD could continue the argument.

"You two, run along and take care of your patients," JD snapped and took off after Perry.

Eventually, Perry won his argument if only because Kelso came around to remind JD that being Perry's watchdog or no, Perry still had years on him in medical training.

Perry smirked smugly at JD at that. JD heeled him with the back of his leg.

"Sir," JD tried again, but Kelso and Ted had already walked off. He glared at Perry. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm just trying to remember, Annabelle," Perry said in a mockingly innocent voice. "Maybe coming back to work will help all those troubled memories come back."

JD's glare grew harder. "What; is this is all a big frickin' joke to you? You've got no clue what happened to you and you're joking about it already?"

"Get used to it, Newbie. Jokes are usually the best way to deal with anything." He whirled around, lab coat swishing, and walked down the hallway.

"Bambi?"

JD jumped and looked at Carla. "Yeah?"

"You're not going to let him work, are you?" Carla asked carefully.

"I don't think I've got much choice," JD muttered reluctantly. "Kelso already gave him the okay as long as I keep an eye on him. Perry already tackled me once when I tried to get him to go home."

"That's what Susan was jabbering about," Carla said thoughtfully.

"Do what?"

Carla only shrugged in reply as she flipped through a chart. "If Kelso let him back, maybe he's alright to work."

"My ass, he's alright to work," JD muttered, remembering Perry's broken voice asking him to tell him what happened a week prior.

"He trusts you, JD," Carla replied, touching his arm. "You've got to trust him too."

JD snarled something sharp and unintelligible as he grabbed the chart from her hands and stalked off.

After his initial annoyance with JD had faded, Perry found himself back in the familiar routine of patients, sickness, and death. The younger doctor avoided him stealthily all day, however, and Perry, for his part, didn't mind.

It was when Jordan showed up with Elliot that his day began to go sour again.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here?" Jordan asked him with a raised eyebrow. "You're not okay to work."

"God, not this argument again," Perry muttered as he exited a patient's room. "And I only had an hour to go, hellspawn, thanks for that."

"I can't believe DJ's letting you work."

"Oh, I'm not, Jordan," JD said as he passed by without looking up. "If it were my choice, I'd have him chained to his bed at home." His face colored as he froze mid-step in thought.

Jordan smirked at the remark. "I'm sure if it were his choice, he'd probably let you too."

"Yo, She-who-must-not-be-named," Perry said sharply to her. Jordan shot him a lazy look. "If I've said it once today, I've said it a million times. I'm fine."

"Not if I have anything to do with it," JD muttered and headed for the lounge room to rest a bit.

Perry rolled his eyes and turned back to Jordan.

"You can't possibly think you're fine," Elliot said behind Jordan.

"Was I talking to you, Barbie?" Perry asked amusingly and stared at his ex-wife again. "Now why don't you and your new minion go off and play the hide the carrot game, would ya?"

Jordan glared at him. "Quit being a jerk just because you're mad at your boy-toy." Before Perry could answer that, she continued. "If you're that pissed off at him for whatever girly little disagreement you've had, go talk to him about it and stop making everyone else around you miserable." She walked off with Elliot following behind.

Perry groaned and scrubbed his face with his hand. This just wasn't fair. Between Newbie's doubt of his ability to work and Newbie's reluctance in telling him anything that had happened to him, this was just making his night.

JD sat in the lounge room, hands plastered to his face in exhaustion. This just wasn't fair. Why couldn't he have been the one to just forget everything? It would've made things a hell of a lot easier.

Fighting down the rising lump in his chest, JD sighed again and sat up. God, did it hurt to look at him. He could still remember the last night they'd spent together before the nightmare had begun for both of them, could remember the bruising feel of Perry's lips on his own as he bit down.

The taste of Perry's mouth was still fresh in his mind, that dark intense flavor he couldn't get enough of.

The door swung open with a thud, causing JD to jump from his deep thinking. Perry stood there, arms crossed angrily as he entered the room.

"Okay, let's have it out. I'm fine, Newbie, and I'm more then able to work."

"Then I disagree." JD glared at him, the hurt finally rising color to his face. "Don't you know how hard it is for me to stand here and look at you right now? Don't you know how weird it is for everyone to work with you, knowing what happened to you, and pretending like nothing's wrong even though we all know there is?"

"There's nothing wrong; isn't it better that I don't remember at all if it was bad?"

"You know there's something wrong, Perry, and you're not gonna make me believe otherwise."

"Prove it."

JD looked at him. "How many steps did it take for you to get here from where Jordan was standing?"

Perry's voice caught in his throat and he stopped himself before he could give JD the exact number.

"How many times have you washed your hands today? When you were checking on the suicide attempt, how many beeps did you count while you were checking her out? How many times did you flip the lights in the supply closet? And why, in God's name, haven't you taken off that hoodie yet?"

Perry glared at him. "None of that has come in the way of taking care of patients, Newbie."

"You need to be at home."

"Then I disagree," Perry said in a mockingly high, whiny voice. "Listen, Mary Lou, I'm just fine to work. If I'm going to remember anything, being in a routine might help that along and you know that."

"And I also know that you're not okay."

It might have been JD's aching face and broken eyes staring at him. It might have been the way his hand was tingling slightly underneath the cast. It may have even been the fact that he had the undeniable urge to flip the light on and off in the lounge room.

"Perry, are you okay?"

JD's voice sounded distant to his ears as the image of a small, dirty cold closet flashed suddenly across his mind. His chest closed up, and very suddenly, he began to believe that JD might be right.

Perry pushed a hand against his head, trying to knock the foreign image from his sight. The nausea swirled in his stomach and the overwhelming urge to break down washed over his body in a hot wave of fire.

"Perry, snap out of it!" JD yelled as the other man suddenly hit his knees with both hands pressed against his head. "Listen to me!"

The voice was distantly yelling at him, but he couldn't see past the dark coldness of the room, and the searing pain that was suddenly running through his blood like ice. It's not alright, it's not alright, it's not alright, Perry thought dimly as JD's voice grew further away.

A pair of hands grabbed his own and jerked them from his head. The hands grabbed at his face and neck.

"Perry, it's Newbie; listen to me!"

The broken scream that filled the air hurt JD's ears and cut through his chest like a chainsaw.

Elliot rushed into the room at the sound of the scream to find JD kneeled in the floor with a shaking Perry, who looked on the verge of collapsing.

"JD, what's wrong with him?" Elliot cried out, running forward.

Perry struggled to concentrate without realizing that he was screaming bloody murder at someone. He couldn't see the face in front of him, and didn't recognize the memory that had suddenly trapped him so hard in the past.

Newbie's fuzzy face came into focus, but then a pair of hands touched his shoulders and back from behind and he jerked away.

"Get off of me!" Perry yelled in sudden horror at the person behind him.

"Get me a sedative!" JD shouted at Elliot, who had backed off. "And don't touch him!"

"What the hell is going on in here?" Turk asked as Elliot ran past him. "J-dog, what the…"

JD struggled to make Perry looked at him, pulling the older man's face so that they locked gazes.

"Perry, listen to me," JD said as calmly as he could manage. His voice still shook and his hands trembled against Perry's face. "Look at me, please."

Perry felt like he was sitting stationary in his mind as something took over his senses and gripped him in fear. He struggled to try and say that he was okay, but the words wouldn't escape his constricted throat.

He focused slowly on JD's worried, pale face and realized dimly that his throat was sore from screaming.

Oh my god; I'm losing it…how could this happen to me? Why's he so upset? What the hell is happening to me? Perry felt the panic rising faster and faster as the room spun in his vision. Angry voices filled his head of men he couldn't place a face to.

Elliot returned and before Perry could attempt to form words again, a dark, fuzzy haze had begun to cloud his vision.

"I don't want anymore drugs!" he shrieked, hands reaching for whoever had stuck him with the needle.

Turk grabbed Elliot back before Perry could get to her. JD wrapped his arms around the Perry in an attempt to keep him from going any further.

Slowly, Perry's movements slowed and he passed out in JD's arms.

"God damn it, Perry…I told you that you weren't okay," JD whispered brokenly to the man in the floor.

Perry felt the drugged haze sift through his mind. No, Newbie…I'm not okay.

XXXXXXXXX

JD sat by the bed with Kelso behind him. "No, sir…I don't think he should be working."

Kelso crossed his arms firmly. "He seemed fine when I spoke with him this morning."

"He was fine until this evening," JD mumbled as he leaned back in his chair. "I don't think he needs to be here though."

"Is that your professional opinion, Sport?"

"If you don't believe me, get a psych consult," JD muttered, wishing he could quit being crabby to everyone he came into contact with.

Kelso nodded to Ted as they walked out of the room together.

Perry frowned under the fog of sedation and slowly opened his eyes. "What the hell happened?" he asked with a moan.

JD looked at him. "You flipped out in the lounge room."

"Did I?"

Christ, anything but this…JD thought with a sigh. "You were in the lounge room arguing with me and you suddenly just collapsed and freaked out."

Perry swallowed, feeling a sore throat as he closed his eyes and coughed. "Damn it, Newbie…I don't know if I can do this."

JD stood to sit on the edge of the bed. He firmly crossed his arms to keep from reaching out to the man. "When they release you, I'll take you to the building they found you in," JD finally mumbled.

Perry looked at him with a frown. "What changed your mind?"

JD shrugged and stood as he headed for the door. "I can't do it anymore then you can." He walked out.

Sighing, Perry leaned back. The memory that had thrown him into a horrific panic was gone now, and he couldn't recall much beyond arguing with JD in the lounge room.

He squeezed his eyes shut, linking his fingers on top of his head. JD was nearly in the same boat as he.

Perry struggled desperately to try and jog his memory, but still, nothing came. He tried breathing deeply, recalling the events that had led up to the time he could no longer remember anything, but still, nothing flashed through his mind.

Christ…I can't do this…

XXXXXXXXX

"Bambi, are you sure you should let him go there?" Carla asked disapprovingly as JD pulled a hoodie on.

"It's not up to me," he said dully. "He can't explain anything that's happening to him. One minute he's fine, the next minute he's stuck in the past. And he's hardly remembering the episodes now."

Over the course of two weeks, Perry had suffered from three more moments of absolute terror that had left him screaming in the floor and feeling normal hours later.

With little to be done about it, they had sent Perry home with JD, who had stayed with him throughout the past two weeks.

"I don't think this is smart," Carla said with a sigh.

"Perry's got a strong mind," JD replied as he sat down behind the counter. "I think his mind wants to let him know what happened, but his body doesn't."

"It was a pretty traumatic experience."

"I know that, Carla."

"Are you sure that you don't want Turk or I to come with you? Or maybe even Jordan or Elliot."

"Do you really think any of you guys want to be there if something happens? I can handle him," JD explained. He disappeared into his room and came back out, carrying the letter Perry had written him six months ago that he had yet to read.

"Just…be careful, Bambi. You know how violent crazy people can be."

"I'm fine." JD folded the envelope carefully and pocketed it. "And we'll be just across the street."

A knock on the door drew the argument to a close. JD sighed and pulled the door open.

Looking upset, frustrated, and angry, Perry stood there with bloodshot eyes and a pale face.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Carla couldn't help asking.

Perry only looked at her, the desolation so clear in his eyes that JD had to shove down the rising tears.

"Let's go then." JD and Perry headed into the hallway. "How are you feeling today?"

"Like crap. You?"

"About the same."

They walked in silence until they stood in front of the burned out building. Perry stared at it, wishing it would bring some twinge of familiarity or a glimmer of memory.

"You know, Edith…I just want to say thanks before we go in."

JD looked at him. "I know you don't remember this…but you made me promise you once that I wouldn't give up on you."

His words did twinge in Perry's mind slightly, but nothing else came forward.

"And you promised me that you wouldn't give up either," JD went on and turned to look at him.

Perry looked at him, his frustrated face suddenly and unexpectedly softening. His hand raised slightly as if to touch JD's intense features to smooth away the expression. He stopped short, and let his hand fall back down.

"Christ, what a mess," Perry muttered as he kicked at the ground. He raised his eyes warily to JD's again. "You remind me of the times when I knew who I was." His voice was soft and hoarse to his ears, and devastated to JD's.

JD sighed as his heart lifted slightly despite the expectations of what was about to come if the room did indeed jog Perry's memory.

Standing silently in front of the building, Perry stared it up and down. The familiar feeling of terror gripped his stomach, but he couldn't begin to figure out why. He sighed and looked at the broken door.

"Shall we then?" he asked JD.

JD sighed. "If you're still sure you really want to do this."

"I do, Tara, quit trying to convince me otherwise."

With bated breath and sickened anticipation, Perry reached for the handle to enter the building.

Continues with Chapter 5