My Reality

Chapter Three

Derek and Susan stood at the nurse's desk, looking at charts as JD spoke with one of the board members.

Susan looked at them carefully before leaning close into Derek. "So anyway…guess what I found out?"

"Do I have to care?" Derek muttered. "Come on, Susan…Dorian and Reid have us scrubbing out bedpans and lancing boils as it is. Do you really think it's just that important to keep up with the gossip around here?"

Susan rolled her eyes. "So anyway. I was talking to Nurse Roberts, and that's the guy."

Derek tried his best to look casually at the man Susan pointed to. "So what?"

"So, that's the guy, that's what."

"Yeah, well all I know is that's the guy that broke some orderly's nose the other night when they tried to sedate him." Derek picked up a chart and stalked off.

Susan sniffed and turned to Laverne to ask more questions.

Perry glared at the wall. They day hadn't started off well by any means. Between the head-doctor making a sorry attempt to jog his memory, the two interns who kept eyeing him curiously, and JD's odd attitude, Perry wanted out of the hospital and back to a normal life as soon as possible.

Dr. Imus came in, and Perry felt an inexplicable surge of annoyance at the man.

"So you don't think with further therapy here that you'll recover your memory?" Dr. Imus asked without looking up from his chart.

"I don't know, doc…the guy pretending to have a real job hasn't asked me about my father yet. Maybe that's the problem," Perry muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.

"If you're this helpful in therapy, then it's no wonder you're not making any progress," Dr. Imus remarked as he closed the chart. "As a doctor, I suppose I don't have to give you the instructions on how to take care of your injuries?"

"It's a bruised lung and a couple of broken ribs," Perry muttered through his teeth.

Dr. Imus looked at him skeptically. "There was evidence of other injuries and abuse."

Perry didn't have anything to say to that at first. He only glared at the sheet for a moment before he looked up again.

"Well, the guy's dead. Unless you want to pay some whack-job to come and talk to the guy on the other side, then I don’t guess there's really all that much to be done about it; is there?"

That was the closest he'd come to saying or admitting to himself that something rather bad had happened to him in the past six months that he could no longer recall.

Dr. Imus sighed. "I really recommend that you stay in the hospital for a few more days. At least take some more time off before you try to come back to work."

"I think I've taken enough time off, don't you? Just give me the papers and I'll sign them."

"I am noting that you're discharging yourself against the doctor's recommendations."

"You've covered your ass; now waddle it out to the desk and get the damn discharge papers." Perry crossed his arms over his face in irritation, and hoped that the other doctor took that as a dismissal.

Dr. Imus huffed and left the room.

JD entered after him. He didn't have the cane today, but the limp was still there.

"Hey, Dr. Cox," JD said pleasantly enough as he sat down.

"Newbie, what'd I tell you about talking if you're going to visit here?"

"I heard you were getting out tomorrow was all," JD mumbled and held up a bundle. "I just brought you some clothes."

"Christ; I'm not an invalid. I could've worn what I had already, Janice."

JD shrugged, trying to curb his own temper. He hadn't had to worry about that in a while, and it was proving more difficult the he'd originally thought.

"I thought you might prefer something clean," JD finally said and tossed the bundle on the bed. "Jordan's been keeping up your place, but she's put most of your stuff in storage."

Perry snorted at that. "Nice to know that all of my little buddies here in hell thought I was okay."

JD didn't mention that everyone had been telling him for three months now that Perry wasn't coming back; that he was most likely dead or worse.

"How far along is Carla?" Perry finally asked. He was curious, but hadn't had wanted to ask anyone. The pitying looks he'd already been receiving were too much as it was.

JD didn't look at him in pity or sympathy. He only shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. "Seven months," JD replied finally. "She's due in June."

"Do they know if they need to buy pink or blue yet?"

"No," JD smirked. "Turk wants it to be a surprise." He sat down again in the chair. "Anything pop in your head yet?"

Perry had to wonder why the kid felt so easy around him. He couldn't remember JD being anything other then a nervous wreck half the time, and off in lala land during the other half.

"Look, Newbie. Everyone else is jerking my chain here and treating me like I'm made of glass or something. What the hell happened?"

JD looked at him carefully, eyes hooded and guarded. "I'm not sure I should be the one to tell you."

"Then why is everyone so glad that the jumper didn't make it?"

JD shrugged. "Again, not my story to tell you, Dr. Cox. I'll drive you home later, unless you'd rather someone else do it."

Perry snorted at that. "Have you been in a car with Diabless?"

JD shrugged. "I can't say I have. Elliot says she drives like a bat out of hell."

"Why should Blondie know that?"

"Let them tell you," JD said, though he struggled to keep his stomach from turning itself inside out from holding in laughter.

"Say, Chrissy…the whole "tease crazy Cox about the things he can't remember" is getting really old," Perry mumbled witheringly at JD's amused look.

"I'm not trying to tease you; honest," JD replied, though his belly still shook from repressed giggles. "How long have you and Jordan been split though?"

Perry coughed at that. "We didn't…get back together or something, did we?"

"No, nothing like that…that's a good thing though."

"How's Jack?" Perry asked in an attempt to change the subject. Talking about other people besides his son was approaching gossip, and the last time he'd checked, he had never been a fan of gaggling with the girls.

JD shrugged as he crossed his arms. "Jack's fine, all things considered. Sometimes he's a little skittish, but a lot of three-year-olds are. He's started repeating everything that's said to him."

Perry frowned at him. "How the hell do you know that, Newbie?"

JD opened his mouth, but closed it again as an afterthought. He settled for shrugging.

"Jordan's brought him by the hospital a couple of times," JD finally decided on saying. It wasn't a lie, per se. "Are you gonna want someone to stay with you when you get home?"

"How old do I look; seven?" Perry replied to that with a sharp oath under his breath for good measure. "I'm pretty sure I can take care of myself."

JD shrugged. "Alright then. So they're going to let you out in the morning?"

"If I had it my way, I'd already be outside," Perry muttered as he watched JD massage his knee again. Feeling slightly awkward, Perry cleared his throat gently. "So someone shot you?"

"Three times," JD replied, feeling somewhat proud of the injuries now that they were healed.

"Christ, Newbie. What'd they shoot you for?"

JD didn't say anything as he looked at him, and Perry felt the anger and fear clench in his stomach again.

Without saying a word, Perry got the distinct feeling that JD had gotten shot because of him.

Falling into silence, JD stood again. "Look, I've got some interns and residents to baby-sit. I'll take you home in the morning."

"Yeah," Perry mumbled absently as JD walked out of the room. He crossed his arms over his chest, feeling decidedly uncomfortable with the situation. He picked the hoodie off the bed again, fingering the faded cotton.

He knew the memories were there, just beyond his reach and recollection. Something horrible had happened, that much he could deduce for himself. Everyone wouldn't be treating him like a kid in a wheelchair if it hadn't.

Hell if he couldn't think of what it was though. Perry sighed and shook his head as he leaned back on the bed to try and sleep.

Sleep wasn't easy coming. When he did finally drift off, a pale, skinny man with brown hair and green eyes was teasing him about something.

Turning slightly in his light sleep, Perry frowned. The man was calling him something…even telling him something.

The all too familiar press of metal against his forehead in the dream made him wake with a start.

He struggled to grasp the dreamy memory before it could escape, but it flew away from him anyway.

Five minutes later, he still sat up. His system was reeling with fear, and a light sheen of sweat had broken out over his face.

Scrubbing at his good eye, Perry groaned and leaned back. He didn't sleep again that night.

XXXXXXX

Perry watched JD drive away from the window in his apartment. Someone had brought over the things Jordan had packed away, and now it was only a matter of putting them back out again.

He had waited until after JD had left to slip the green hoodie over his shoulders. The relief that swept over his system was both palpable and confusing. He found himself even resisted the urge to pull the hood over his very short hair.

Sighing to pull himself out of the mood he was drifting towards, Perry shook his head and began methodically unpacking boxes. He counted as he went without realizing it.

A knock on the door as it opened made him turn a few hours later. He tried to smile at Jordan, but it wouldn't touch his face. Jack, on the other hand, giggled and nearly caused his mother to drop him in his squirming.

"Hey, Jacky," Perry said warmly as his son threw his arms around his neck. "How's my boy?"

"He's pretty good," Jordan said as she came in and sat on the couch.

Perry pushed away the discomfort that Jordan being close to him brought. "What brings you back to the surface? Has the two thousand years passed so quickly?"

"Funny," Jordan replied with a roll of her eyes. "Jack's missed you. Look, I promised Blondie that I'd be nice to you; can you at least try and not make that impossible?"

Perry looked at her. "Well, ya see, Jorderoo, that's precisely what I didn't want happening. I'm not going to break."

"Funny; your hand's telling a different story." She crossed her legs and Jack batted playfully at his father's leg.

"Drop it."

"Touchy, touchy." Jordan leaned back.

"Anything I should know about you and Barbie?" Perry asked casually as he tickled Jack's ribs.

"You're not going to make a lesbian joke about how you want to be there, are you?"

"I figured." Perry poked one of Jack's toys, causing it to light up and make noise. Consequentially, Jack clapped along with and imitated the noise.

Jack tilted his head up to Perry. "An' Cawol?" he asked.

Perry raised an eyebrow in Jordan's direction. She gave a smirk in return and said nothing.

"So why won't anyone tell me what happened?" Perry asked as he continued to play absently with the toddler.

"I'm not obligated to answer that, Perry."

"I don't care about what you're obligated to answer. I want to know what happened."

"I'm not going to tell you; getting angry is only going to upset you and possibly Jack." Jack looked up at his mother's tense voice. "See? He already knows," Jordan muttered.

"See? He already knows," Jack repeated.

"Jack, not now," Perry said, swiping a hand over his son's hair.

"Jack, not now," Jack repeated with another giggle.

"How precious," Jordan murmured with a grin. "He's at that stage where throwing toys is no longer funny. He likes to repeat."

Perry grinned despite himself as Jack stood and gave him a hug around the neck, small fingers playing with the hood of his sweatshirt.

"DJ try to get his sweatshirt back?" Jordan asked idly as Perry pried Jack's hands from it.

"What is this obsession you and Newbie have with this thing? It's a hooded coat. BFD."

Jordan shrugged in answer, not sure how to talk to him any longer after that.

A couple of hours later, Jack had begun to show signs of finally exhausting himself. He gave a sleepy grin and pulled his thumb out of his mouth.

"Perry, are you sure you don't want someone to stay with you tonight?" Jordan asked again cautiously as she and Perry picked up Jack's toys.

"For the last time, I'm fine," Perry muttered, pushing a toy harder then he meant to.

"I'm only trying to…"

"Help, I know. I prefer you being Satan." Perry zipped up the bag and scooped Jack into his arms. He gave the boy a tight hug.

"Jack's not going anywhere," Jordan mentioned when Perry hadn't let go.

Perry shook his head from the slight daze he felt. "Yeah. I know." He handed the yawning boy back to his mother. "Scram."

Jordan rolled her eyes. "If you need anything, call DJ."

"Why would I?" He shut the door behind her without waiting for a reply. Sighing, Perry ran a hand over his short hair as the sun dimmed in the sky.

Night was beginning to bring odd feelings about, though Perry couldn't come up with a reason why. He looked at the boxes that still needed unpacking, and rolled his eyes.

Deciding tomorrow would be as good a day as any to finish up, Perry debated a shower or sleep. The silence of the apartment was beginning to annoy him, far away memories hiding just beyond the reach of his mind's fingers.

The water was hot against his back, almost scalding. He stared at the scars and wounds on his arms, felt the tightness of itchy, healed skin over his back. The skin of his hand had a crude shape on it; but it wasn't something he could identify right off as he looked at it.

The water splattered against his face, and Perry looked up as water dripped through his eyes. Finishing as quickly as possible, he stepped from the shower to stem the sudden, rising panic in his body.

As soon as he was dry, he felt the panic subside slightly and inspected the scars again with more scrutiny. A couple he remembered from other accidents, but the majority of them were foreign to him, as were their origins. He looked up to shave in the mirror, but the glass was gone. A flash of terror ripped through him so unexpectedly that he had to grip the sides of the sink to remain standing.

It was over nearly as quickly as it had begun, but he could've sworn a voice had drifted through his head, taunting him through the harshly lit bathroom. He looked at the white sink quietly; wondering why if he looked hard enough, he could see blood swirling around the drain.

It left him almost breathless with a pale face and shaking hands. He didn't really need to shave tonight then, and he walked into the bedroom to sit on the mattress. He'd only tossed sheets and a couple of pillows to it. He looked through the mirror and watched the lights playing in the distance. Clouds and streaks of lightening covered the stars.

Perry frowned. The most frustrating part was feeling like he should be scared or upset, but not knowing why. Trying to ignore them as best he could, Perry forced his eyes to close and sleep.

Sleep, once more, didn't come easy. And he found his mind flashing images of blood and fire through his mind that had him waking with a scream ready on his lips.

To his own embarrassment, his face was tracked with tears, and his nails were digging into his palms. His breathing was shallow, and he shook with fear.

Perry rubbed a hand over his face, dragging fingers through the short strands of his brown hair. He looked to the window again where the lights blinked at him furiously, the stars still covered by the clouds.

Water pattered against the glass, and the undeniable urge to count the drips he heard came again. Before he realized he was doing it, he had reached 257.

Turning over, Perry didn't sleep again. He stared at the wall blankly, and then his eyes drifted to the bathroom. The clean tile floor gleamed in the dim lighting of the street lamps, and looked all around like a normal bathroom.

But if he blinked and looked again, memories from another person put blood dripping over the floor, and the spark of flame in the corner near the tub. There were glass fragments spread over the bathroom and a man screaming in the floor.

Perry blinked again and it was gone once more. He didn't use that bathroom again after that. He shivered under the blankets and looked wearily at the phone, his ex-wife's words drifting through his mind.

Jordan was asleep. Even if he had wanted to call her, he didn't want to deal with the late-night wrath of a demon losing sleep. He thought of Carla, but decided against it simply because she would not only mother him, but Gandhi might castrate him on principal.

Rubbing his nose, Perry picked up the phone and resolutely dialed the number.

Startled awake by the beeping of his pager, JD jerked to a sitting position with a groan. He looked at it with a frown.

Giving it a few rings of indecision, Perry finally picked it up.

"By god, this better be good," JD mumbled sleepily into the phone, though there was no real rancor in his voice.

"What happened to me, Newbie?" Perry's fingers found themselves twisted around the hoodie once more, and he wished he could just throw the damn article of clothing away.

He'd tried, and nearly threw up.

JD rubbed a hand over his face again. "Look…do you want me to come over or something?"

"You're not answering me, Charlotte."

"I did that on purpose, genius. Do you want company or not?"

"God damn it, Newbie…stop playing games with me and tell me what the hell happened? Why can't I sleep without waking up screaming? Why is it every time I turn around, all I see is some crazy man lying in a floor bleeding?"

JD felt his tenuous grip beginning to slip on his temper. He hadn't had to worry about it for a while, but struggled to dig deep within him for the patience he used to have.

"I can't answer that; I'm not in your head, Dr. Cox."

"Perry."

"What?" JD asked as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

"You haven't called me Dr. Cox in a while, have you?" Perry asked carefully, though he hadn't known where the thought had come from.

"Look, I'll be over in about fifteen; we can talk more then and…"

"Save it, Newbie. I just want to know what the hell happened so I can move on with my goddamn life! I'm sick and freaking tired of all of you people walking around on egg shells without telling me why! Now I can't sleep; what the hell is going on?"

"Damn it, I can't tell you that, and you know why!" JD finally yelled back, patience forgotten.

"Come on, Newbie…I think I'm a grown-up man now," Perry replied, the fight gone out of his voice.

"I still can't tell you. Unless you need some company tonight, I'm going to hang up the phone."

"Don't hang up, Newbie."

"Why shouldn't I? All you've done since you picked up is yell at me and berate me and call me girls' names all over again."

"When haven't I called you girls' names?"

JD cocked his head to the side in thought, and realized that had been a daydream, not reality. "I'll ask you one more time." He yawned. "Do you want me to come over? Or would you rather I send Carla or Jordan?"

"Just answer this then."

"Shoot."

"Why can't I sleep?"

The frustrated confusion and hurt was obvious in his voice, and JD felt his chest tighten as he lay back on the bed.

"I don't know, Perry. I don't." JD felt like a child whining petulantly about the last cookie, but it was the only truth he knew wouldn't hurt him.

"I'm going to show up at your door in fifteen minutes. So help me God if you're wearing a onesie again; I will kick your girly ass into manhood."

The phone clicked dead. JD groaned and hung it up as he glanced at the clock beside his bed. Another grumble later, he stood to his feet and began to mechanically dress.

Perry had been off by eight minutes, and JD was still pulling his shoes on when he opened the door.

"Come on." Perry grabbed JD by the collar of his shirt and yanked him out.

JD grabbed a hooded sweatshirt on his way out, shoes still untied. "Where the hell are we going? It's three in the morning; the bars are closed."

Perry's eye twitched in growing temper. It still poured rain outside as they stopped outside the front door of JD's apartment building.

"Tie your shoes, Jessica."

"Tell me where we're going," JD muttered as he sat on the floor to loop the laces.

"Across the street; that's where they found me, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but…"

"That's where we're going then." Perry stared hard across the street. He'd wheedled the address out of a very sleepy Barbie by pretending to be a police officer still searching for the whereabouts of anyone knowing either of the twin men who had wreaked so much havoc in their lives.

JD yawned again and stood back to his feet. "I don't think you should go in there."

"Not your choice, is it, Melissa? You can either come with me or you can stay here and cry about it."

"Would you keep your voice down? Other people live here too."

"This is me not caring." Perry turned and headed for the door without making the effort to form an uncaring face.

JD ran to catch up with him. Rain soaked them both immediately. "Can I say one more time what an unintelligent idea this is?"

"What is it I'm trying to think of…oh yeah. Quit being a girl, Lassie, and come on."

JD grabbed his arm and whirled him around as best he could. Perry gave him a vaguely amused look.

"Look, I know you're frustrated and angry and whatever else it is that you're not letting show. But you can't make yourself remember anything! For all you know, walking in there is just going to make us both wetter and you're not going to remember a damn thing!"

"Nice set you got for such a low price," Perry snapped back as rain ran through his eyes. "But no one wants to actually do me a favor for once and tell me anything!"

JD felt hot anger radiating off them both, and was surprised neither of them steamed in the rain. "It doesn't take a doctor or a shrink to tell you something happened! Have you taken off your shirt yet?" JD snapped. "Or did you close your eyes really tight when you got in the shower?"

Perry hauled back unexpectedly and threw a shouldered shove into JD's chest. JD grunted (he knew he should've brought the damn cane) and shoved back as hard as he could.

"I'm not leaving here until you tell me what happened!" Perry yelled back angrily, struggling to keep the frustration from brimming over in the way of tears. "I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, and I can't stop counting things! Come on, JD, you're one of the only people I can trust!"

"Trust this," JD muttered and shoved his shoulder back into Perry's chest.

The only thing that happened as a result was Perry grabbing a hold of JD's shoulders and shoving him into the side of the apartment building.

Perry stared furiously at him, water sliding off his face and hair. The whip of arousal was hot and unexpected, yet another thing for Perry to shove under the list of the unexplained.

JD felt his breathing come harder as he stiffened beneath Perry's arm.

"You can't tell me anything else; tell me why I want to kiss you right now," Perry whispered brokenly, body still tight with anger as he kept JD pinned to the wall.

JD's face remained angry and hurt, his mouth tightly shut as he struggled in futility against Perry's hands.

Broken hand or no, Perry was stronger and shoved JD back to the wall again. A crackle of thunder shot across the sky as Perry pushed a bruising kiss to JD's mouth, tongue running hard against the other man's mouth.

JD struggled against him and moved his hands up to pounce, but Perry grabbed both hands and pinned them to the wall hard, shoving his body against JD's to keep him still.

"For the love of god, Newbie, don't make me stop." Perry shoved away the surprise of how his breathing had nearly stopped and he kissed JD again, teeth clanking hard against each other's in a hard embrace. JD's body sagged slightly beneath his touch and he pushed his body hard against Perry's, struggling for any kind of contact.

Perry was surprised by the desperation at JD's sudden reaction as the other man suddenly had him shoved against the building next door.

The rain had soaked them both by now as Perry finally released JD's hands to hold his face and stroke the bones beneath the pale skin. JD ran his hands through Perry's hair, fingers resting lightly on the nape of the other man's neck.

Something was pulling at his memory again, and Perry struggled to keep a hold of it even as his hands slid down to hold JD's hips against his and grind in some sort of godless dance that only involved the two of them standing in the rain.

He'd almost pinpointed the memory too when JD suddenly yanked back, eyes fearful and his face shocked.

"God damn it, you bastard," JD muttered against his mouth.

Perry gave a weak bark of laughter. "I could say the same."

JD sighed and disentangled himself from the hard embrace. "Come on up. I'll make some coffee and see if any of Turk's clothes will fit you so you don't have to sit in soaked clothing all night."

Someone grumbled a flirty remark in the back of his mind, but Perry pushed it firmly away.

JD rubbed his lips, struggling to push some of the color from his face so that he wasn't completely red.

Perry sighed, rubbing his temples. He'd almost had it. He looked warily at the desecrated building across the street.

Another day, another try, and Perry was suddenly so sure that Newbie would be coming with him, that it was frightening.

Continues with Chapter 4