My Reality

Chapter Eleven

It was a dream. It had to be.

Not a dream…a nightmare.

"Push it now!"

"Clear!"

"Blood pressure's still falling; pulse is weak and erratic!"

"Where the hell's the blood unit?"

This had to be some sort of drugged up haze that had come to fruition; this just couldn't be real.

But the stains on his t-shirt proved otherwise; those ugly red streaks of the fluid of life draped about the dark fabric like some horrible kind of tie-dye.

"I've lost the pulse again!"

"Charge to 40! Clear!"

JD jumped with each zap of the defibrillator paddles as Perry's body jerked lifelessly on the gurney.

God, had this been what it was like when he'd been in the hospital so long ago?

Rubbing his shoulder, JD winced at the soreness there. Had it really been so long after all? Guilty shame washed over him as Perry's body jerked again.

"Push the blood, damn it!"

A hand clapped on his shoulder. JD jumped and turned to Jordan's stricken face.

"What happened?"

"He tried," JD said dully, eyes still glued as they tried to save Perry's life. "He tried."

Jordan eyed the stains over JD's shirt, wondering if Perry had that much blood left after the scene in the bathroom.

"Carla had a baby girl," Jordan told him softly. "Seven pounds, three ounces. Eighteen and a half inches long, named Isabella."

JD nodded as he watched the body jerk again. The doctor was beginning to look tired and defeated. JD knew that look.

"God, don't give up on him; he wants to live!" JD shouted through the glass doors.

Jordan grabbed his shoulder. "You can't watch this," she said firmly.

"I can and I will; back off!"

"JD," she said more firmly, causing him to look at her this time as the tears began. "You can't watch this."

"But what if he…?"

"He'll be fine," Jordan lied and pulled him away. "And you'll know either way."

"I've got a pulse! Weak and uneven!"

JD reluctantly let Jordan pull him away to a chair where she pushed him down before he fell over. She sat with him.

"Look," Jordan said and held his hand after a quick look down the hallways. "I can't tell you anything that you'll believe right now. But you have to know that whatever happens in there, it was supposed to happen."

"Not like this," JD replied softly. "He was going to get better."

"And he will," Jordan replied. His hand felt clammy and cold in her own, but she didn't let go.

Elliot sat down on his other side and held his shoulder. "Do you want me to go ask the doctor?" she asked carefully.

JD nodded miserably, if only because he wasn't sure his legs would support him right now.

"It'll all be okay, DJ," Jordan went on. "It will."

"How can you say that? Can you see my shirt?" JD snapped at her, tears giving way to fury.

"Don't blame me because Perry tried to off himself," Jordan replied, though her voice held no real edge. "You know that it's easier for you to be angry then it is to admit what the possibilities are."

"Why are you telling me this anyway?" JD snapped at her again, anger still not abated by her soft words. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"

Jordan shrugged and sat back, not releasing his shaking hand. "Because you need someone to be with you right now, DJ. Carla and Gandhi are busy; Elliot and you have too much history."

JD snorted at her derisively. "Like you're any better."

"I beat what you'd have otherwise," Jordan replied simply. "You're ready to break."

The tension was still pulling in his body like a black hole. He grasped Jordan's hand tightly.

Jordan sighed. It had been the hands and eyes that had made her stay in the first place.

Elliot came back out. "They've got him stabilized for now and on a blood drip," she told JD softly. "They can't say if he's going to be fine yet or not, but we've treated enough suicide patients to know that stabilization is half the battle when they go for the wrists."

JD suddenly heaved a sigh and the tears started anew. Jordan waved off Elliot gently and pulled an arm around JD's shoulders.

"So help me, God, if you breathe a word of this to anyone."

JD laughed weakly against her shoulder. "You get drunk with someone once, you're friends with them for life." He turned his face to her at that. "You're stuck now."

Jordan gave a smile at that and let him cry over her shoulder again. A small zing of pain went through her as she remembered Ben. She smiled against his hair and let him sob.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Consciousness came in a slow haze. This was a nightmare; it truly was. Eyes scanned down at his arms to the neat stitching along both wrists. He frowned and closed his eyes again.

I'm not supposed to be awake. I'm not supposed to live.

His eyes opened again, and the restraints didn't surprise him this time. He tugged weakly at one, and felt pain shoot through his arm. The new cuts and burns were all bandaged now, and the wrist slits had been left open to breathe a bit. A bag of blood was taped next to the saline fluid on the IV rack next to the bed. The steady beeping of the heart monitor was back, and this time, he wished it would whine at him again.

I shouldn't be alive.

Systematically, he counted the beeps he heard in his ear. He counted the number of people that walked by. He counted the minutes before a nurse noticed he was awake. He ignored the doctor that came in so he could focus on the numbers. He turned his head to the window on his right and counted stars when he tired of the beeping.

I should be dead right now. Why aren't I dead?

"Perry?"

Perry jerked in the bed with surprise at the soft voice. He looked away from the window to see JD standing at the foot of the bed. His face was a mixture of anger, concern, and hurt as he sat down.

"Let's talk."

Perry didn't say anything in response as he looked back to the stars outside of the window.

A smile tinged at JD's features. "You selfish bastard." He shook his head, running a hand through his limp, dark hair. "You selfish, rotten bastard."

Still saying nothing, Perry's eyes stayed focused on the ninety-seventh star.

"Quit staring at the window and look at me," JD snapped. Perry's eyes finally drifted back to his blankly. JD sighed at the dull look in the man's eyes. "I don't even know why I'm bothering at this point if you were just going to give up all together."

Perry still stared at him, the dull pain a million times worse then anything JD could stand.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not going anywhere?" JD asked. "How many times do I have to let you hit me or hit you back? How many more bullets do I have to take in order to get you to understand that I'm not leaving?"

When the man still didn't respond, JD grew agitated as he crossed his arms angrily.

"I love you," JD snapped at him. "Don't you get that? You're not broken, you can get better. And I'm not going to go anywhere until you realize that! You gave up, Perry; I never did. You can't just make this all go away; there isn't an easy fix! It's going to be hard. It's going to suck. But you can't just kill yourself and hope it all gets better just because you're not alive anymore!"

"I can't do this," Perry finally said in a hoarse whisper between the beeps of the monitor.

"Yes, you can," JD retorted and grasped his dry hand. "You can and you will, and I'll be there right beside you every horrible step of the way. You've got to let me do it."

"What if I can't?"

"You will." He flexed his fingers over Perry's hand and looked at him, eyes gone dark with concern and encouragement. "You just have to try. You have to want to get better. You beat the drugs, didn't you? You can beat this. Don't let them win."

Perry shook his head against the pillow.

"I'm going to give it to you this one last time," JD said after a moment and held Perry's face with his other hand. "I'm not leaving you. I'm not going anywhere and that's because you never once gave up on me when I first met you. Girls' names and the oh-so-lovely rants aside, you never gave up on me. And I'm not giving up on you."

"But I…"

"You can. It's your choice, it's your life. You only need to get a handle on it again," JD responded harshly, his voice thick with emotion. "This is life, Perry. You can either choose to live it or choose to end it. I'd rather live and explore the possibilities beyond. I can't lose you, not now. Joshua and Elijah are both dead. They can't hurt you or anyone else anymore. You have to believe that."

Perry swallowed hard and looked at the dimming stars as the sun began to rise.

He's right, Perry. You know he is.

It was Newbie's voice he heard this time, that long-forgotten voice that had kept him sane so many months ago, that earnest face that had kept him to the ground as he hoped someone would rescue him for once.

Let him help you and trust him.

Perry turned his face back to JD's. The stars were oddly quiet as they dimmed away, though he knew they'd return eventually.

"Alright, JD. Where do I start?"

XXXXXXXX

Perry automatically didn't like his shrink. He looked at the older man who had a rusty voice and a thick cough. He also looked suspiciously like a relative of Lieutenant Renicki.

"What'd you say your last name was again?" Perry mumbled, sitting uncomfortably in the lumpy chair.

"Dr. DiMatteo," he replied, not looking from his clipboard. "So what do you want to talk about, Dr. Cox?"

"Nothing with you," Perry muttered.

"Well, I can't say that we're willing to take your word on the fact you'll be fine, Dr. Cox," Dr. DiMatteo went on as he looked at the middle-aged man. "It's safe to say you'll be here until we can help you."

"I don't want to talk about it; I already have with someone else."

"That someone else wouldn't happen to be Dr. Dorian, would it?"

"Yeah; what about it?"

"Dr. Dorian isn't a psychologist or psychiatrist, Dr. Cox," the man went on and yawned into his hand.

"Am I boring you, Dr. Demon-taters?"

"DiMatteo," the doctor corrected him with a slight annoyance.

"Yeah. Demon-taters," Perry went on, slightly amused at himself as he leaned back in the chair.

"Would you prefer it if I ask the questions?"

"Shoot."

Dr. DiMatteo finally looked at him. "Why'd you try and kill yourself?"

"Well, that's a loaded question."

"I've got time."

"Until the buzzer dings, anyway," Perry muttered and leaned his elbows on his hands. "Because I felt like it."

"That's not a real answer."

"Sure it is." Perry looked up at him. "I tried to because I thought it might be fun."

"This isn't going to go smoothly if you keep reacting like that."

"How am I supposed to react? Is there a reaction I'm supposed to be having right now?"

Dr. DiMatteo only stared at him warily. "Tell me what happened over the past seven months."

"Some guy shot me full of drugs, his twin brother was a perv," Perry replied easily. The word rape wasn't in his vocabulary for this one.

"He raped you."

"He was a pervert."

"Why don't you say that he raped you, Dr. Cox? Isn't that what happened?"

Perry stared hard at him. "Isn't it enough that I've already told you?"

"Tell me what's happened."

"I'd rather not." Perry crossed his arms and leaned back again, staring the doctor down. "We done here?"

"No, we've still got…"

"I am." Perry stood and shoved his hands into the front pocket of his hooded sweatshirt.

"Dr. Cox, you-"

Perry didn't listen as he exited the room and slammed the door behind him. JD stood in the hallway.

"You've still got some time left with him," JD pointed out sulkily.

"Don't pout, Betsy. It's not a fetching look for you." Perry stalked back to his room.

JD sighed and went after him. "They're not going to let you out of here this time with you acting like this. Why did you do it?"

"I can't fix this, Newbie," Perry snapped at him in the room. "I can't just say "oh, it happened" and then be okay again. I was tired of fighting, and I'm tired of it now." He grinned maniacally in a ghost of his former smile. "Unfortunately, they've taken my shoelaces and usually have me restrained unless someone's watching me."

"You can fix it; you need to talk about it with a licensed head-doctor."

"Don't give me that crap, Newbie," Perry snapped.

"At least you're angry finally," JD muttered and sat down in a chair. "It's about time."

"I'll tell ya what, Betty. I'm tired of trying to be okay, I'm tired of pretending that I want to be okay. I'm exhausted by the very idea of going into to talk to some fat-ass idiot with a name that I can't even pronounce just to feel okay. I don't want to do this anymore and I'm sick of everyone pretending that I can get past this! Most of all, I'm sick of you following my every footstep like some sick little lapdog that thinks they can help out when all they're really doing is just annoying the hell out of me!"

JD glared at him. "If I hadn't found you on the roof, you'd be dead," he finally spat out. "And you know it."

"I wish you hadn't!"

"That's it." JD stood and grabbed a hold of Perry's wrist. "Let's go."

"What the hell…?"

JD didn't respond. He only kept a strong, firm grip on Perry's arm and tugged him towards the elevator.

When it dinged on it's arrival, JD shoved Perry out onto the roof. "Go ahead. Jump. I dare you."

Perry stared at JD's wild eyes. "What the hell are you…?"

"You want to die so much, go ahead and jump off the fucking roof. I'm tired too, Perry. I'm sick of trying to convince you that life is better then death. You're so sick of everything; jump off this goddamn roof!"

Perry stared at the ledge, and something gripped his stomach in a vice before he even saw it coming.

JD jerked his wrist towards the ledge and pulled him up to stand on it with him.

"I'll even jump with you." JD looked over the ledge. It was a long drop. "Besides, before we hit the ground; it should be fun."

"What the hell is wrong with you? You're nuts, Carol."

"No, you are." JD gripped his hand now tightly in his own and swallowed hard, hoping the bluff would work enough. "Let's go. You want to do this?"

"Newbie, I-"

"It's a yes or no question," JD snapped at him. "You want to give up so much, why the hell should I keep trying either? Don't you realize it yet that I'm with you no matter what you do? If you're going to do this, so am I."

"You can't give up just because I'm ready."

"I'm not giving up. I'm supporting your decision and choice to off yourself. Are we jumping?" JD let one foot drift off the ledge.

Perry finally snapped and grabbed a hold of his shoulders to push them both back down on the gravelly surface of the roof.

JD landed hard on his back with Perry above him, staring at him angrily.

"You're such an idiot," Perry snarled at him.

"And you're not?"

Perry kissed him then, incensed by the very notion that JD would give up just because he didn't want to try anymore. The anger was hot in his veins, and he suddenly felt more alive than he had for months. He gripped JD's arms tightly, and moved a hand up to cup JD's face.

JD protested a little underneath his hold, but finally gave in and slammed his hands over Perry's hips. He raced his fingers over the clothed skin, opening his mouth in a gasp at the unexpected arousal.

Perry pulled his body flush against JD's, running a tongue lightly over JD's open mouth and teeth. He nipped hard at JD's lower lip, tasting the coppery blood that arose as a result. His hand trailed to JD's neck, touching the pale, soft skin there. He let his other hand drift to JD's narrow hip, tucking a thumb into the belt loop of the other man's jeans.

JD pulled his hands up to Perry's face and pulled back a little to stare at the angrily terrified eyes. This time, however, he kissed him again instead of stopping.

God knows he'd done enough stopping for his own liking.

Perry groaned as JD rolled him to his back and straddled his hips tightly. The immediate contact of erections made his eyes roll back and he yanked at JD's hoodie to pull him in for another brutal kiss.

Hands still clapped hard against JD's hips, he pushed up for more friction, frustrated at the lack of satisfaction through clothing. JD braced his elbows against the harsh, unforgiving roof of the hospital, mouth open as he felt Perry's tongue explore his mouth.

JD gave a sound that might've been a whimper. God, had he missed the taste of Perry's mouth against his. He pushed hard against the body beneath him, hands racing over Perry's body.

Perry shoved JD down to his back again. His hands flexed tightly against JD's hips, and one of them drifted up to hold JD's face to his own.

JD pulled away and gave a hard bite to Perry's neck, a fresh bruise rising to the toned skin. Perry grunted at that, and JD only knew he wanted to hear that noise again.

"Christ, Newbie," Perry finally uttered, and shoved a hand underneath JD's shirt to touch the soft skin that lay beneath. He tweaked a nipple viciously, drinking in JD's whimper as he did it again.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, it had been so long. JD sucked at Perry's collarbone and found his mouth being nudged back to Perry's lips desperately. JD thrust against him from below, knees pushing hard at Perry's torso.

Perry groaned hard and fast, and pushed JD's mouth away from his. He held his hand tightly around JD's neck, holding his head down to the roof as he leaned down and licked gently at JD's lips. JD let a whimper escape his swollen mouth as he tried to push up for a kiss. Perry held him tighter and kissed him almost chastely.

JD's hands raced up his sides and back down to maneuver a hand in to grasp Perry's erection. A harsh sound cut loose from Perry's throat as he pushed into those fingers frantically.

Perry kissed him hard again, an unforgiving tongue taking hold of his mouth as saliva dripped slightly from the corner of his lips. JD responded in kind. He couldn't keep his hands still as it was, save the one that was manipulating Perry's cock through the sweatpants that he wore.

The sound of a door opening made them both stop and jerk away from each other.

"Per-bear," Jordan's voice sing-songed out. "A little bird named Blondie told me that you and JD came up here, and that if you don't get your scrawny asses back down to Perry's room, he'll be in here longer than either of you would like! I'm feeling nice today, so I'll give you about five minutes for funsies." The door shut again.

Aching with arousal so strong that it hurt, Perry struggled to a sitting position and stared hard at JD.

JD only looked at him in kind, obviously in distress himself. "Think you can do it in five minutes?" he asked breathlessly.

Perry was already jerking down his sweatpants. JD nearly leapt towards him. Perry gave a desperate groan as his cock was enveloped in wet heat, a clever tongue making bank on all the fantasies and promises he'd ever had.

It wasn't long at all, and yet seemed to stretch on forever as he finally relieved the ache in his groin. He grasped JD's dark hair hard, fingers stroking the brown strands as he thrust helplessly into JD's mouth.

JD coughed, spilling some of the fluids down his chin. Even as he pulled away, Perry shoved him back down the roof, kissing him for all he was worth and laving a tongue around his chin and lips.

Perry jerked at JD's jeans, pulling them over slender hips and grasping the hard erection that sprang free. JD whimpered into Perry's ear, pushing up frantically to find release.

He looked at JD's dark, swollen erection with fierce eyes and found his mouth wrapping around it before he could think. JD gave a yelp, hands flying to Perry's shoulders in surprise as he thrust up without thinking.

Perry jerked and coughed slightly, pushing JD's hips down with his hands. Spitting quickly into his hand, Perry grasped JD's erection solidly and began a fast pace with loose fingers. He kissed JD hard again, mouthing words he'd never remember into the other's mouth.

Words didn't and wouldn't matter later as long as he could keep eliciting those sounds from JD's bruised, reddish lips. He kissed that beautiful mouth again as he felt hot liquid spurt over his fingers.

JD gave a long, hard groan as he came. When he opened his eyes, Perry was staring at him in a way that JD hadn't seen in a long time.

Chest still heaving, Perry pulled JD's boxers and jeans up, and then tended to his own sweatpants.

"We're not done here," JD said quietly as he got to his feet.

"I know."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Dr. DiMatteo dodged the pillow-cushion that was thrown at him. "It's good that you're angry, Perry."

Perry glared at him, eyes red and lips drawn into a tight line. "I've got nothing more to say to you, frick-head."

"Frick-head?" Dr. DiMatteo asked with a raised eyebrow.

"A friend called me that once," Perry snapped at him and sat back down. "It means you're an idiot."

"I gathered that," Dr. DiMatteo replied as he jotted something down. "It's good that you're feeling angry."

"I'm feeling angry at the fact you're trying to understand what's going on with me," Perry snarled. "You don't know what it's like."

"Then help me understand."

"You don't know what it's like to be on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and to hope that you can just keep it together for one more day just so you can keep living."

"So you don't want to die anymore?"

"No, you sick fuck," Perry spat at him. "Dying's stupid."

Dr. DiMatteo jotted another note down. "It's good that you're realizing that."

"So everything's just good and dandy in your freaking world, isn't it?" Perry snapped at him, but realized at that moment that dying indeed was stupid.

"How's everything in your world, Perry?"

"God, I hate you sometimes," Perry said witheringly.

The timer dinged then, and Perry stood in a rush. "Lovely conversation, but I fear that I must retire."

Dr. DiMatteo nodded. "We've made some progress today."

Perry flipped him off simply. "As always, you suck about as loud as Hurricane Katrina." He left the room and slammed the door behind him angrily.

JD and Elliot both stood there this time. Jack was balanced lightly on JD's hip, but he looked like he was aching slightly as a result.

"Hey, Jacky," Perry said, trying to ease his face into something that wouldn't frighten the child.

"Doc!" Jack crowed and reached out.

Perry took him and tossed him lightly, eliciting a laugh from the boy. "How's my boy doing?"

Elliot smiled at that. "Jordan said I should bring him by to see you. I didn't realize your therapy was today though."

"I'm alright, Blondie," Perry muttered to her and gave a smile to Jack's face. "You're the spawn of Satan, yes, you are!"

JD grinned at that, but tweaked Jack's cheek. "Hey, Jack-jack."

"An' Cawol!" Jack giggled back and planted a hand into JD's hair to jerk hard on it.

JD winced. "Death grip, I tell you." He looked at Perry, seeing the underlying anger and tension on the man's face.

"How was therapy?" JD asked later when Jack was gone.

"Therapy was a bigger bitch than you've ever been."

JD laughed at the familiar insult as he leaned back in the chair and propped his legs up to Perry's hospital bed.

Perry let his legs fall over JD's in an easy comfort they'd managed to finally acquire over the past month since therapy had started.

"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a…" JD stopped abruptly at the line.

"Go ahead, Susan. You're a mother; you know it."

"Carla wanted to know if she could bring Izzy by."

"She's letting you call the poor baby that?" Perry asked with a raised eyebrow.

JD snorted. "Of course not. I call her Izzy because it pisses her off."

"I knew I'd taught you something over the past few years, Newbie," Perry said in a rare show of affection. He sighed then and looked over at JD's face. "Hey, Dorothy."

JD looked up. "Yeah?"

"I've never thanked you for all that you've been doing lately."

"You don't have to."

"Yeah. I do, Xena." Perry let a smile drift over his face again. "You never left. Not once."

"I wanted to stay."

"But you didn't have to." Perry sighed and let his head fall back on the pillow. "Some scars never heal."

"It reminds us that the past actually happened," JD replied quietly, tucking his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie (which he still hadn't returned to Perry).

"Yeah. It does." Perry sighed. "I'm not good at this kind of thing, Newbie."

"I know." JD heard his beeper go off. "Christ…listen, I've got to take this. I've got an intern that won't leave me alone."

Perry raised a curious eyebrow at him. "She knows I'll kick her ass if she touches you, right?"

JD gave a withering stare. "She's got Jordan's wrath to fear at this point, not mine."

Perry felt the beginnings of a laugh, and he gave into the urge to chuckle harshly. He hadn't laughed in a while.

JD grinned at him as he stood and gave him an affectionate, sloppy kiss across the mouth.

"You know I love you, right?"

"Yeah, Newbie. I know." Perry watched JD leave and settled back into the pillows of the hospital bed. He smiled and stared at the window, feeling better than he had in a while.

Continues with Chapter 12