My Reality

Chapter Ten

Elliot knocked on the door as she blew a piece of hair from her eyes.

"Just a second," a voice called from inside.

Her hands went over her mouth as Jordan opened the door, her white top stained red.

"Oh my god; what happened?" Elliot demanded.

"Easy, princess," Jordan replied tiredly. "And keep it down; Jack and Screw-up are asleep."

"You got him to sleep?" Elliot asked incredulously.

"Jack was the easy one. I had to shove a narcotic down Perry’s throat to knock him out," Jordan replied as she gestured Elliot in. "When’s DJ getting out of work? I’m gonna kill Perry if he doesn’t get here soon."

"He’s still got a few hours yet." Elliot sighed, twisting her hands in front of her. "So you wanted me to take Jack?"

Jordan nodded. "He’s sleeping in the other room; I’ll just go get him." She turned to walk out.

"I can stay a while, if you want. There’s no need to wake either of them," Elliot blurted out.

Jordan stopped, her shoulders rising as she sighed and looked at the blond woman. "I can’t do this, Blondie."

"I’m not going away anytime soon."

"Don’t waste your time." Jordan headed for the spare room, but Elliot grabbed a hold of her wrist. "Let go, princess."

"I’m not going to." Elliot gripped the soft skin firmly, noting the erratic pulse both of habit and curiosity. "Look, I’m scared too. Have you seen my track record of relationships?"

"I honestly hadn’t paid that much attention," Jordan said evenly.

"We could make this work. You may not be willing to try, but I am. You can’t just run off and hide behind Jack every time something scares you. When it’s scary, it’s good."

"Please don’t do this right now," Jordan said, hating how her voice sounded to her own ears. "Not today, Barbie."

"Today’s the day," Elliot replied, her voice more then a little tired. "I can’t keep fighting if you’re just going to push back. This is it, Jordan. I’m not going to keep battling you after today. You can either work with me, or I’m gone."

Elliot finally released Jordan’s wrist and sat on the couch. "I’m going to watch a movie. You can either watch it with me or go and get Jack."

Jordan stood there for a moment, watching as Elliot flipped through channels and finally settled on a chick flick. She crossed her arms, gripping her elbows tightly as her stomach tightened with emotion. She gave another look to Jack’s door and bit her lower lip, worrying it to a bruised reddish color.

Elliot jumped when the couch dipped beside her and Jordan plunked a couple of cups of hot chocolate down. The blonde stared at her for a moment as Jordan settled back and stared at the TV.

"Rules are simple, princess. No arguing, no sucking up to Jack, no cutesy pet names, and for the love of God, if you get sappy on me right now, I’ll kick your ass and change my mind all together." Jordan still stared straight ahead. "Clear?"

Elliot smiled at the slightly shaky voice, but settled back with her. "Crystal."

Perry stared sluggishly at the window, eyes flicking from light to light. He hated the drug in his system even now. Josh’s voice was clear in his head, demanding all of the things he couldn’t give, and telling him all the things he feared the most.

He swallowed against his dry throat, darting a tongue out to lick his lips. He could hear the quiet sounds of the movie that Jordan and Elliot watched. It sounded much like they’d made up to some extent.

He wished it was that easy with JD. Perry frowned. JD was still young, already attaching himself to a broken man with no life.

Newbie should’ve let him go. Perry sat up, trying to focus as the room spun around him. He walked quietly to Jack’s room.

The boy slept peacefully, his hands curled slightly around the blanket. Perry mussed his hair lightly.

Jack frowned in his sleep and turned slightly. He didn’t wake.

Perry backed away slowly, as if touching the boy might taint him too. Sighing, Perry walked back into the bathroom and sat down in the tub. He curled up as wave after wave of pain racked through his body viciously and without remorse.

As he lay there, the restlessness began to grow in his aching limbs. He turned on the hard surface of the tub, resting his head against the lip of it. He stared hard at the dim ceiling. Everything in his life seemed to be slipping away piece by piece with each passing minute.

The first terrified thought entered his mind that he wasn't crazy; he couldn't be.

And then the doctor instincts kicked in to tell him that was usually the first sign of any real problem.

Denial's not just a river in Egypt, Pacing Perry.

Perry shook his head to clear the voice from his mind and struggled to focus on thinking nothing.

It was dark when he finally exited the bathroom, and the apartment was quiet save the quiet murmurs of the TV. JD wasn't home yet, and Jordan and Elliot had both fallen asleep against the couch.

He smiled at that; it seemed Jordan had finally gotten over what her problems had been. Odd that she finally let someone else hold her this time around, he mused as he walked into the kitchen.

Perry stared at the tempered window in the small room, and tapped it with his fingers. In all the times he'd spent lying on the floor and wishing he could just die, he'd never touched the windows.

The glass felt cool to his fingers, and he rested his forehead against it. The flash of horror was familiar now as he remembered being shoved against another window to stare at lights and flame.

Even now, he could still remember the hard arm pressed flush against his throat, cutting off his breathing as he struggled to figure out a way to escape.

There hadn't been any escaping then; there probably wasn't a way out of this now. Perry looked at the sleeping couple on the couch.

If he was going to do this, he had to do it right.

XXXXXXXX

It was raining when JD hopped on Sasha to drive back to the apartment. The few hours left he'd had turned into six. It was dark too.

JD sighed with worry and concern as he drove back to Perry's place. He hadn't had time to call Jordan to check on him, and Jordan hadn't called him. Now out of the hospital, JD pulled out his cell phone.

The first few rings made the worry turn to panicked nausea.

"Hello?" a sleepy voice finally asked.

"Elliot?"

"Yeah, JD. What's up?" she asked, struggling to clear the sleep from her voice. Jordan murmured on the couch, but didn't wake.

"How's Perry?" JD asked as he turned a corner.

"Um…" Elliot drifted off as she walked to the bedroom and trailed a hand through her mussed hair. "He was…in the bathroom, I think, the last time Jordan checked."

"Check on him again."

"I'm headed that way." Elliot knocked on the bathroom door. "Dr. Cox?" she asked.

No one answered.

A guilty fear settled over Elliot's shoulders as she tried the door. It was locked. "Dr. Cox, are you in there?"

"Where is he, Elliot?"

Elliot pushed against the door as Jordan entered, rubbing at her eyes.

"Are you trying to wake up Jack, princess?" Jordan asked grumpily, but her voice caught at Elliot's fearful face. "Where's Perry?"

Jordan walked over to the bathroom and jiggled the knob in just the right way. It clicked open.

JD heard the light oath that snapped from Jordan's mouth and Elliot's intake of breath. "Where is he? Is he okay?"

"JD…he's not here," Elliot finally said. "The bathroom's empty." She ran throughout the apartment to check the rest of the rooms. "He's not here."

JD felt a rock hit his stomach as he tried to think of where the man would go. An annoyed beeping hit his ear before he could speak and he pulled over to the side of the road to pull at his beeper.

"Elliot, get to the hospital; tell Turk and Carla I'll be there when I can," JD muttered after a moment.

"JD, what's going on?"

"Carla's having the baby," JD said, though the happiness was drowned out by fear. "I have to find him; he can't be alone right now."

Elliot nodded as the lump hit her throat. "Okay. Jordan wants to talk to you for a minute."

JD frowned. "Yes?"

"Listen up, DJ," Jordan said, but couldn't find the strength to keep the fear from her voice. "You find him and bring him back to the hospital. You can't help him anymore unless he lets you. Just…just find him and bring him back safe."

JD nodded over the phone, though Jordan couldn't see it. "I will."

"Promise, DJ."

"You know I can't…"

"Promise."

JD swallowed hard even though he knew what an empty promise it would be. "Fine. I promise I'll find him."

Jordan seemed to be okay with that. "We'll see you at the hospital. And if you miss the baby being born, you know that Turk will kill you."

JD laughed weakly. "Alright. I'll see you." He flipped his phone closed before Jordan could say anything else. JD sat motionless on Sasha for a minute, rain pouring over his shoulders as he tried to remember the places Perry might go.

A few places came to mind, save one that made his chest tighten and his legs go weak. He sighed with reservation, and started Sasha back up again.

XXXXXXXXX

Jordan sat with a heavily-breathing Carla. "Just breathe…or scream. That's what I did."

Carla glared at her. "Where the hell is Turk?"

"Still in surgery," Elliot said apologetically as she came in. "He says he'll be out any minute though!"

Carla squeezed her eyes shut suddenly and a fluent string of spanish flew from her mouth.

Jordan raised an eyebrow. "I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that."

Elliot shrugged. "I caught a few words. You don't want to know."

After the contraction had passed, Carla leaned back into the pillows. "Are Perry and JD coming?" she asked, voice hard and breathless.

Elliot opened her mouth, but Jordan stomped her foot.

"They're on their way," Jordan said and looked at Elliot. "A word, princess?"

Elliot glared at her in the hallway. "What the hell was that for?"

"How much stress does she really need right now?" Jordan snapped at her. "JD promised he'd bring him back here. Let Latina in there worry about having the baby."

The stress of the entire night seemed to be wearing on Elliot's shoulders, and she sagged visibly with worry. Unexpectedly, she threw her arms around Jordan's neck.

Jordan stiffened, but remembered her resolve to make this work. "Look…I can't promise that it'll be okay."

"You made JD promise."

"That was different," Jordan said uncomfortably as she patted Elliot's back. "But I can't promise you that it'll be okay. I can promise that I'll be here."

Elliot looked at her with a soggy smile. "Copycat."

Jordan shrugged. "It worked for me at the time; I thought I'd take a chance at it working for you."

"Woman, don't have her yet!" a voice shouted from down the hallway. Turk came barreling down the corridor, trying to rip at his surgical gown. He finally ripped it off and tossed it into a biohazard box.

"She's fine, Gandhi," Jordan replied and pointed to the door. "Go hold her hand; she already nearly broke one of mine."

Turk shot into the room. "I'm here, baby!"

Carla's face visibly brightened.

Jordan and Elliot stood outside the room with amused grins.

"You think they really know what they're getting into with this kid thing?" Elliot asked.

Jordan snorted. "Not a chance, princess."

XXXXXXXXXX

JD parked the scooter, and set the helmet against the seat. He quickly locked it to the bike rack, and headed across the street. The house was as forbidding as ever, dimly lit and soaked to its foundation from the heavy rain.

The door gave a whine of protest as he pushed it open, and the floor creaked warningly beneath his feet. His socks were wet by now, and squished uncomfortably as he walked.

"Perry?" he called softly.

A light scuffle from inside the room indicated presence, but not frame of mind.

"It's just JD," he went on and pushed open the door.

Perry lay on the floor, staring at the ceiling blankly. His eyes were bloodshot and reddened, and his hands shook.

"Hey," JD said lightly and sat down beside of him. "Want to talk?"

"I've done enough talking, Newbie. It's over."

"Give me the gun, Perry."

Perry looked at him then with a frown on his face. "How do you know I've even got one?"

JD only looked at him.

"I'm not giving it to you anyway, Newbie. I told you. It's over."

JD shook his head. "It's not over, and you know it. You can come back from this, if you really want to."

"Come back to what? A life of looking over my shoulder and flipping out every time something springs a memory? I can't live like that."

"You'd get better over time. You've seen other patients come out of things like these."

"Which is precisely why I know I'd never get out of this."

"You have to want to," JD replied simply. "Give me the gun."

Perry still didn't relinquish it and turned his eyes back to the ceiling. "I always used to tell mental patients that if they were going to do it, do it right."

"You're not going to do it."

"Says who?"

"If you were going to do it, it'd be done already," JD replied. "You don't need an audience to perform suicide. And it's okay to be afraid to die."

"I'm not afraid of death."

"Then do it." JD's eyes had gone dark with anger and frustration. "You want it so badly, do it."

Perry looked at him and raised the gun with a shaking hand to his temple.

JD's heart beat rapidly in his throat as he swallowed hard and tried to keep his face composed.

And then JD's phone began to sing. He missed Perry's audible sigh of relief as he answered it.

"Yeah, what is it?" JD snapped. His face changed slowly to one of surprised reluctance. "Yeah, he's right here in front of me. Right. Yeah, we'll be there." He shut the phone off. "You think you can hold off on offing yourself for like an hour?"

"What's going on?"

"Carla's having the baby."

Perry sat up at that and stared at that horrible gun in his hands that he'd kept when he and Joshua had left Minnesota.

"You can either sit there, feel sorry for yourself, and pull the trigger, or you can come to the hospital with me. Carla's your friend; don't you want to be there for her?" He leaned forward and pulled Perry into a hug. "Don't you want to live and be here for me?"

Perry stiffened at that; it was an old tactic. Wordlessly, he still pulled his arms around JD's shoulders.

"What if I can't get better?"

"Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse," JD replied honestly.

"What if you've hit rock bottom?"

JD shoved them both back to the floor and pointed to the ceiling. "Perry, this is rock bottom. Where are you looking?"

"Up."

"My point." He pulled Perry to his feet. "You want to go help Carla?"

"We're soaked."

"I don't think she'll care. Besides, it'll piss off Janitor."

XXXXXXXX

He'd left the gun at the old house. The idea made his hands shake as he sat with JD and Turk in Carla's room. Jordan and Elliot were fussing over her, and a sleepy, slightly cranky Jack was bouncing on JD's leg.

Jack was shouting something at that point, but Perry couldn't make it out through the teary voice.

JD pushed a toy into Jack's hands and tickled his side.

Perry clenched his fists in the front pocket of the green hoodie, staring hard at the tiled floor. JD had already made noises about a quick psych consult after the baby was born, but Perry had already firmly said no.

Turk clasped his hands between his knees. "How you feelin', baby?" he asked.

"Like I'm going to kill the next person who asks me that without a needle in their hands," Carla snapped at him.

Jordan wiped an imaginary tear from her eye. "Precious, really. I'd almost forgotten the horrendous act of giving birth, but you've managed to help me remember it fully. What's more? I don't have to do it this time! It's so much better watching."

"Shut up, Jordan," Carla ground out as she felt the beginnings of another contraction.

JD hoisted Jack up in his arms, trying to get the boy to stop crying. "Come on, Jacky…what's the matter?"

Jack whimpered something unintelligible. Couldn't they understand that he just wanted to go to sleep?

"He's just tired, Newbie," Perry said quietly. "I'll take him for a while." He grabbed Jack from JD before either could answer and walked out of the room.

JD sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as Turk slid closer to him. "Should he be alone with Jack?"

"If Jack's with him, it'll ground him," JD finally replied in a voice that told Turk not to ask any further.

"Turk, get your ass over here!"

Turk jumped up to grab Carla's hand. "The obstetrician said she'd be here soon."

Carla glared at him. "I want the drugs now!"

Turk winced as a bone popped in his hand and gave Jordan and Elliot a death glare. "Get that doctor woman in here now for the love of God before she snaps my fingers off!"

Jordan snorted at her own memories and went with Elliot to find the obstetrician, Dr. Miller.

"Just restless, huh buddy?" Perry asked as he and Jack walked down the hallways.

Jack gave him a tired, cranky look, too tired to argue anymore. He wrapped his arms around Perry's neck and slowly drifted in and out of sleep.

Perry held the boy tightly with unsteady hands and a slowly breaking heart. It was selfish, now that he thought of it, to deny a boy his father. He looked back down the corridor as JD exited Carla's room, running fingers through mussed hair and looking pale and drawn.

It was selfish more to keep hurting JD through his own issues. He hugged Jack tighter, making sure he wasn't hurting the boy by holding too tight.

Perry came to the end of the corridor and sat down in a chair. He looked up to the window, where rain pelted against it like teardrops. Jack stirred in his arms, but snoozed otherwise.

Perry drifted a finger down Jack's cheek. The toddler was beginning to look more and more like him every day, save the gleeful grin that lit up his face. That was all Jordan.

JD watched from down the hallway as Perry leaned back in the chair with a heavy sigh. An exhalation of breath escaped JD's own mouth and he crossed his arms while wondering how he was going to fix this.

JD jumped as Jordan and Elliot were suddenly shoved unceremoniously into the hallway with him, the door slamming shut behind them.

"What's…?" JD trailed off.

"Baby's actually coming now," Jordan replied with a shrug. She walked down the hallway to retrieve Jack.

Perry handed him off without a word and stayed in the seat. JD sat down beside him and carefully slipped a hand over one of his.

"How are you holding up?" he asked quietly.

Perry shrugged. "I'd be better if people quit asking me that."

"You know killing yourself isn't going to solve anything," JD mentioned quietly. "You see them in here every day; the people who try and make sure something goes wrong."

"If I was going to do it, I'd do it right."

JD hated the numb, closed-off tone of Perry's voice. "Your son needs you to live. Do you really want him to grow up without a father?"

Perry didn't reply to that.

"A lot of people around here need you, Perry." JD sighed and flexed his hand over the other man's. "I need you."

There was still no response and JD sat still with the man for a time. JD wasn't sure how long they sat in silence without movement.

Perry breathed a sigh that made the weight fall over his shoulders like an anvil. The pain and ache was nearly a touchable aura that JD couldn't manage to break through.

"I don't want to do this anymore," was the quiet reply.

JD stiffened, but slipped his fingers through Perry's. "You can come back from this. I've seen you come back from stuff like this."

"Not this, Newbie." Perry let his head drop with a shake. "How the hell am I supposed to live a normal life after all of this? After everything they've done to me? You know, after it all, I still can't hate Josh."

"You're not supposed to feel one thing or another about either of them," JD reasoned. "It's a matter of what your gut reaction tells you and you just have to go with it."

"I'm supposed to hate them," Perry corrected and stood. He released JD's hand. "Both of them." He walked off.

JD stood to follow.

"Don't follow me, Newbie." Perry kept walking, leaving JD standing alone in the hallway.

It only took JD fifteen minutes before he kicked himself mentally and went after him.

XXXXXXXX

Perry stood on the roof, the light metal heavy in his hands. He looked up, feeling the rain wash over him as he thought about what he was going to do with careful precision that had come with the years of medical training.

There were many reasons why he should do it, and more why he shouldn't. Jack needed a father. JD needed someone to help him become a real doctor. Jordan needed someone to yell at. Barbie needed someone to tell her when she was being too clinical.

The other half of the fence was just as cruel. Jack needed a real father, not this broken down man with no spirit. How was JD supposed to love him and be with him when he could barely stand to be with himself? As for Jordan, well, Barbie and she balanced each other out on that front.

It all came down to Jack and JD, after that. Perry stared hard at the angry sky. The clouds were nearly purple from heavy water that kept pouring from them. The angry cuts on his arms screamed at him as salty rain poured through them.

The memories kept washing over him into a black rage of darkness. Perry tried to take a deeper breath to ease the ache in his lungs, but found nothing would abate the pain. He dropped to his knees by the ledge, staring at the ground below him. How many times had he really thought about this?

Too many, if he was honest.

Can't take it anymore, butterfly? Didn't I tell you? Didn't I show you how crazy you've been from the beginning? Didn't I tell you that you'd crack one day? Now you're more broken then anyone could ever begin to fix and nothing's going to change that.

Perry couldn't find his own voice anymore and only closed his eyes against that old voice that taunted him, even past death.

Pacing Perry, insanity is hard to beat…now the stars are laughing at you; you've given them what they want. Can't you hear the lights crying? They cry because you've lost the strength to keep fighting, and now you're going to just take the easy way out and that's not right, Pacing Perry, that's not right…

Perry found clapping his ears shut didn't help anymore, and so he didn't. The rain was soaked clean to his skin now, and he shivered beneath it. Numb fingers struggled to manipulate the razor blade in his hands.

Light drips of blood ran through the rain on the floor as he slipped it over his fingertips. He gave a cry of frustration as the rain grew colder and his body grew number.

Aw, poor little Butterfly…can't even kill yourself correctly. How much do you really want it now? Don't you remember me telling you that you'd beg for death by the time I was done? There's no coming back from this ever, Butterfly.

Perry gripped the blade harder in an attempt to focus his mind onto the present situation. It would be so easy, he knew. A doctor knew where veins were and just how to cut them in order to ensure a quick, five-second death.

Suicide booths and broken promises, Pacing Perry…you promised and now you're going to break that promise just as surely as I've broken you. Can't you tell the stars that they're wrong? The lights are crazier then you are right now and we know that you can't think death will solve this all.

The twin voices in his head screamed at him, and Perry could feel the hard sickness clutching at his stomach like a vice. He trailed an arm around his own torso in an attempt to calm the raging fury there. His chest tightened again in sheer emotion.

There wasn't any coming back from this. Not ever. Perry stared out at the city lights, where they had begun to glow in the wet weather. He smiled dimly. The stars weren't out tonight; that was just as well. When the stars were out, they mocked him and hurt him worse then ever.

He heard a door distantly slam, but not before he'd already put the blade to the instep of pale, scarred wrist. It tore through the skin easily, and blood immediately rose to the surface and dripped as he gave his other wrist the same treatment.

The voices finally went silent in his head and he smiled as he collapsed to the roof. The last dim thought he had before he slipped into unconsciousness was that Newbie was there again, looking furious and sad all at the same time.

Perry smiled at that.

Continues with Chapter 11