My Needs

Chapter One: Jordan

Sometimes I think they don’t need me there at all. Highly insulting, since I’m the only one who’s got the right equipment.

But they seem to make it work in their own weird little way. But I’d be a hypocrite to bitch at them about that. If anyone had told me where I’d be right now, I’d have recommended them the shrink Perry used to see.

Or I’d tell them to just go ahead and admit themselves to save the taxpayer’s money it would take for some quack to tell them they were crazy.

But here I am still five years later. Sometimes I still can’t decide if I hate Perry or if I just want to see him squirm, both of which are equally easy to do.

I usually forget that when I see him with Jack or DJ. Jack’s not old enough yet to wonder why "Aunt Carol" stays over so much.

I usually tell him it’s because his daddy would go insane and take me with him. Jack always laughs, like he knows something we don’t. For all we know, he might.

I don’t know when DJ started being a real part of our lives. Perry’s always bringing the kid down. I’m always bringing the kid down. And even DJ’s beginning to fight back, but he still wants to help so much.

And Perry even said it to him when he thought I wasn’t listening. Perry told DJ that sometimes, he’s the only thing still holding Perry and I together.

I didn’t even think it was hard to hear, and that’s because I think he’s right to some extent. But I’d be a liar if I didn’t say it worked all the way around. Even Jack seems to realize it, but he’s finally getting old enough that if I say no, he’ll ask Perry. If Perry says no, he’ll ask Baby-Spice.

And then he’ll come back to me, say one of them said it was okay, and do it anyway. DJ seems to be the one who gives in half the time, which usually results in a tongue-thrashing from yours truly.

And sure as hell, the boy deserves it. But it’s so much more gratifying to see Perry do it.

But then DJ seems to connect with Jack in a way I can’t. Perry does it too, and it can be as simple as the three of them playing in the living room.

That’s happened more times than I can remember that I’ll find the three of them playing with legos or some slimy stuff that DJ’s bought from the local dollar store.

Rightfully so, I laughed my ass off (and so did Perry) when Jack thought it’d be funny to switch DJ’s hair gel with the stuff.

DJ’s hair was green for days.

Perry simply snorted, patted Jack on the head, and said "that’s my boy".

I told him "good job". Jack beamed to his father and rolled his eyes at me.

"Mom, it’s a boy thing. Girls think it’s gross."

I raised my eyebrows at that. After all, if DJ and Perry were teaching him all these things, why was I even there?

So I showed him how to mix purple hair dye into both their shampoos. And it annoyed me that DJ keeps some of his things here. But then it just made me angry that he’s usually here when he’s not at the hospital.

It’s still surprising to see Perry and DJ together. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. DJ knew it too.

DJ came home from the hospital and when I asked for Perry, he shrugged and said he’d be home later.

Which we both knew then that it meant he’d be home later, drunk off his ass, and not able to do much more than pass out.

I just sat on the couch, sighed and turned on the TV. It wasn’t worth getting angry over something that happened on a regular basis.

And DJ sat with me for a long time without saying anything. Jack was only four then, and not old enough to understand why Daddy ran into walls.

JD looked at me and then he hugged me.

"I know how you feel about it," he finally said and didn’t say anything else.

Perry slept alone on the couch that night. JD and I slept in the bed without him.

But when Jack looks up at them with that idolizing look in his eyes, I have to wonder if he even realizes he has a mother still. And it makes me want to pick up the bottle more than Perry.

Sometimes, I wonder if any of them need me.

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Chapter Two: Perry

Sometimes, I don’t think they need me. I mean, good god, who wants an emotionally-disabled egomaniac cramping what could be a really nice couple?

God knows Jordan could eat Newbie for lunch in any kind of fight. Even Jack could whoop his ass. And it’s sad that even Newbie knows that.

But it’s not fair that people mistake Newbie for Jack’s father as often as they do I. I help raise the boy too.

After all, it was my idea to show Jack how to rub goop into someone’s hair. Serves Darla right for bringing that crap here.

But Jordan thought it was hilarious, and even tried to help Clarissa get the color from his hair. She rubbed his head and tweaked Jack’s nose.

I remember the first time Jack wanted to talk to his mother or Bethany, but not me. I don’t even remember what pre-school problem it was. When I talked to him, he wanted to talk to Aunt Carol or Mom.

And I let him.

I don’t know how things became so easy around here between the three of us. It seemed like a good idea. If nothing else, someone is always home for Jack, which is a hell of a lot more than any of the three of us ever had.

And it was stupid at first. Jordan knew about Newbie, and tolerated it. She was more concerned for what Jack thought than anything.

But Jack knows. He’s a smart kid. Combined, the three of us should be able to turn out at least one decent kid.

Then it happened. I don’t think I’ve ever been drunk enough for my own liking, and Newbie was pliant enough as usual. Jordan usually has a preference in as much that she won’t touch me when I’m drunk, but even she stood at the door that night.

When I woke up, she was in bed with us and I looked at her like she’d grown another head.

"Had to see what the fuss is about. Go back to sleep, Per."

Hell, even I couldn’t deny her that. We never talked about it again, and it started happening with more and more regularity.

And that was when I didn’t drink as much anymore. Jordan seemed to actually be more pleasant, and I don’t know what the hell Newbie must’ve been feeling by that time.

Which was why I raked his scrawny, girly ass over the coals when I caught him daydreaming for the millionth time at work.

Later on, he had smirked at me and let me know I was losing my touch; surely I didn’t want Jordan one-upping me in rants?

I nearly hit him, and by god, I still wish I had. This whole thing was making him arrogant, and I wondered if he’d ever be as miserable as Jordan and I sometimes were. But it’s hard to see Newbie as being miserable. He’s always wanted to help people, and even though cynicism and the world were beginning to make their mark, it was still obvious how much he still cared.

I don’t think Newbie will ever be that miserable. He’s doing it on his own now, and he even takes care of Jack as though he were his. He cares for Jordan, and I have to wonder why. But then again, he cares about me for some sadistic reason, so why should I wonder?

But Jordan and Newbie got closer. It didn’t hurt at all at first, and I’ll still swear it doesn’t when I catch them in the supply closet. Jordan just grins, straightens her shirt, and walks out. Newbie just shrugs as if to say "it happens" and walked out too.

Sometimes, I don’t think they need me.

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Chapter Three: JD

Sometimes, I don’t think they need me.

Scratch that; exaggerate it. Sometimes, I know they don’t need me. Especially when they’re playing with Jack, or when they’re flirting at the hospital. Even more so when I walk past them, and one of them calls me a girl’s name and says something about my panties.

Which, in my defense, I wear very manly Spiderman boxer-briefs. So they can just go ahead and lose that one already; it’s getting old. Well…kind of.

Okay; so it’s still funny.

But Jack is just great. Even after he switched my hair get with the green slime. How can you be a little boy and not like green slimy stuff? Admittedly sort of messy, but still…come on, it’s green slimy stuff.

Really…but we got ‘em back. Jack’s not old enough yet to really care much more about who’s looking after him as long as they know how to have fun. And I’ve got Perry and Jordan beat like little girls in that department. God knows they wouldn’t know fun unless it hit them in the ass.

Which I do. Regularly. With lots of laughter.

I never thought being in a relationship with these two would ever contain the world "fun" or "laughter". Between the girls’ names, Jack’s attempts to be like Daddy and call me "Aunt Carol", and Jordan owning all three of us like minions, the world fun never came to my mind.

But it is, in it’s own way. I couldn’t be in a relationship unless it had some kind of fun to weigh out what can sometimes be a pain in the ass. And the laughter is sometimes hard enough to make my sides hurt.

And then Perry let me know that he and Jordan probably wouldn’t have made it if it hadn’t been for me. Then the question remains though in what are they going to do when I’m not working anymore?

Hell if they don’t have some good arguments sometimes. I pretty much steer clear of those and keep Jack out of it. But then there are the times where they see fit to involve me too.

But those are usually circling around the fact that I pretty much let Jack do as he pleases. My explanation?

Hell, he’s not going to be a little kid forever; we should let him have fun now while he still can. God knows Jordan’s gonna turn him into a total neurotic and Perry’s going to make him a narcissist before he’s ten years old.

Jack likes to play blocks with me. I like playing blocks with him. It’s our special time, he says, when we play with the blocks. And he doesn’t let Perry or Jordan play blocks with him anymore.

The first time he snatched the block back from Perry, his father actually looked hurt and Jordan looked triumphant as she sat with me to play.

But then Jack jerked the block back from her too. Perry and Jordan exchanged a quick look, and before too long, I could hear the shouting from down the hallway.

And it seemed like for just this once, Jordan was on my side.

And for some reason, that made me feel kinda mushy on the inside; like a ho-ho. One of them is always for throwing me out of their lives.

Hell, one time it was Jack who saved my ass. Perry had me by the collar and was calling me Rosie while asking me what the hell I was thinking when I’d done that, and then Jack reached up and jerked on his shirt.

Perry had looked down where Jack just gave him a petulant look that meant he was getting ready to scream unless someone stopped what they were doing now.

Perry and I both know now that he got that look from his mother.

After that happened, they didn’t argue anymore about me staying there with Jack. God knows we all love that kid to the end of the world and back; he’s the luckiest little guy around.

And as I lay with him on the couch that night, it occurred to me that it wasn’t even me who kept Perry and Jordan together; it was Jack. They both knew it.

But as Jack curled fingers into my hair and gave a little baby-sigh in his sleep, I had to grin, because I know had the wisdom and know-how of a little kid.

Perry and Jordan needed me; I can say that now that I’ve thought about it so much. But they only need me because I need them.

Need isn’t something that takes lightly to one-sidedness. After all, it sucks needing someone when they don’t need you. And if that had been the case…

Well, I’d have been out on my ass a long time ago.

As it was, I’d been three-quarters of the way living there for a year now. And I had no plans on going anywhere anytime soon.

Jordan came in then and sat down near my legs. I lifted them obligingly, and she sat beneath them.

"You’re such a kid," she muttered, but I saw the upturn of her mouth as she flipped the television on.

Perry came home next, and the death of a patient was on his face as he sat down at my head and rubbed Jack’s hair. I lifted my head and shoulders to let his lap slide easily underneath my neck.

And without a word, Jordan slipped a hand over his on Jack’s head. He didn’t say anything that night. But he didn’t drink either. I smiled and let my eyes drift closed.

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As for Jack, he grinned in his sleep. He knew the cute-sleeping baby thing would work. It always did.

XxFINxx