My Life

Chapter 9

When Elliot came to, she was lying in a hospital bed. Her stomach was squirming uncomfortably, and she slowly sat up.

Perry was speaking to a police officer outside the room, and neither looked happy. The officer looked downright scared, and Perry looked as if his head was about to explode.

Elliot carefully swung her legs off the bed, the room spinning as she got to her feet. She opened the door just in time to catch the end of Perry's rant.

"…and I really don't give a rat's ass what other cases you have right now! My son is in the hands of some psychopath and you want to stand here and tell me that you're doing everything you can? That is a crock of shit! Now scoot your pansy ass back outside and don't come back to me until you either have my child or some answers!"

The officer fairly sprinted to the entrance.

"Dr. Cox?" Elliot asked carefully.

Perry whirled around. "Don't even start!"

"Someone has to tell JD," Elliot commented quietly.

"No," Perry replied so firmly that Elliot frowned. "He doesn't need to know just yet."

"But Dr. Cox…"

"He's getting ready to start physical therapy," Perry pointed out. "How well do you think he's going to approach his recovery if he's thinking about Jack?"

"But he loves Jack as much as you do," Elliot pointed out. "He'd want to know, and you don't want him to turn on the news and find out that way."

"Hey, Jumpsuit," Perry yelled.

Janitor looked up at him. "What, you call and I'm just supposed to be at your beck and call?"

"Nice bruise, jumpsuit. You want one to match?" Perry replied dangerously. "Unhook the TV in Newbie's room."

Not wanting a matching bruise, Janitor noted that blonde doctor looked upset as he headed to Scooter's room.

"He's going to find out eventually," Elliot still argued.

"No, he's not. Because we're not going to tell him," Perry stressed out. He rubbed a hand over his face. "Look, I'm going to go bail Jordan out of the big house. Just stay here."

"But…" Elliot groaned as Perry turned and didn't reply.

With a sigh, she reluctantly entered JD's room where an orderly was preparing to take him to his first session of physical therapy.

"Getting ready to do PT, huh?" Elliot asked.

JD looked up. "Yeah. Hey, what's going on outside? There's a bunch of cops."

"Just some stupid domestic dispute," Elliot lied. "One guy's beating up another one."

JD nodded. "Hey, you seen Dr. Cox around?"

"He…he…ah…went home to…do something."

Frowning, JD looked at her nervous face. "Elliot, are you okay?"

"Dr. Dorian, we've really got to take you to PT now," the orderly pointed out.

"But…"

The orderly wheeled him off without letting him finish.

Elliot stayed alone in the room long after he'd gone and sat down on the bed. She curled her knees to her chest and began to sob.

XXXXXXXX

Jordan sat on the bench in the holding cell with white lips and shaking hands. She fisted them onto her knees in an attempt to keep them still.

When Perry walked into the jail room, she stood as the officer unlocked the door.

"I covered your fine," he said quietly as they walked out of the station. "They don't know yet where he's hiding. But the note said he'd call."

"That's comforting," Jordan snapped. "And just what are all the bright intelligent people who went to college for all of six weeks doing right now?"

"Trying to find them," Perry shrugged.

Jordan struggled to keep the tears at bay even as her muscles screamed at her. "Where's Blondie?"

Perry looked at her. "Still at the hospital. I made her stay with Newbie."

"You didn't tell him, did you."

"He doesn't need to know. He's got enough on his plate." Perry led her to the car. "I'm going for a walk. Elliot's waiting for you at the hospital."

Jordan stared at him and attempted to keep her cool. "He wouldn't hurt Jack, would he?"

Perry felt something trying to break inside of him. "I don't know, Jordan. I don't."

XXXXXXXX

Jordan stopped by the nurse's desk to find Carla.

When Carla saw her, she immediately opened her mouth. "Jordan, I'm so…"

"Save it. Where's Blondie?"

"She's in Bambi's room," Carla said quietly.

Turning sharply, Jordan pushed the door open. Elliot was sitting on the bed with a numb stare on her face.

Elliot looked up as the door clicked shut and Jordan locked it sharply. She walked towards the bed and sat beside the doctor.

"Jordan?" she asked. Her voice was hoarse.

Jordan stared at her for a long moment. "They haven't found him. The note said he would call this evening with what he wants."

"I'm so sorry," Elliot finally managed.

The agony washed over Jordan anew as the shock of the situation hit harder then it had before. Suddenly feeling sick, Jordan ran from the bed and made it to the commode just in time to wretch into it.

Elliot came in quietly, and gently rubbed her back. "It'll be okay. They'll find him," she whispered, even though her voice shook with fear.

Jordan flushed the toilet sharply and glared at her. "How do you know that, princess? The man's crazy. How do you know what he'll do to Jack? How do you know, can you tell me that?"

"I don't," Elliot said. She wasn't sure how to approach an angry, upset Jordan. Anger, she could handle.

But not this desperate look on her face that clawed at her insides until they were numb.

"He's my baby," Jordan said, voice shaking and edged with tears. "My son."

"I can't promise that it'll be okay," Elliot tried again as Jordan buried her face into her hands. "But I can promise to be here if you need me."

Without much in the way of warning, Jordan threw her arms around Elliot's waist as a torrent of sobs and screaming filled the air.

Elliot backed up to the wall, awkwardly holding the woman and stroking her hair gently. She sighed and leaned her own head against the wall, closing her eyes as Jordan let it out of her system.

XXXXXXX

Though it was his own choice, Perry felt alone. He walked the empty streets with his hands shoved into the front pocket of the hoodie he had stolen from JD. As he ran a hand through his wild hair, he wondered how long he'd be able to keep this from Newbie. Someone was bound to talk eventually.

Pushing the sleeve of his sweatshirt up to glance at his watch, Perry sighed. He and Jordan had to get back to the apartment by 7:30 that evening to answer the phone.

Perry couldn't imagine what Josh could possibly want. The hatred was easy to find now, he realized. And it had taken his son to get there.

Feeling shaky, Perry entered the seedier side of town. He paused to think long and hard about what he was about to do.

But twenty minutes later with the bag in his hands, the familiar crying of the stars came back faintly to his ears in joy.

"I told you, butterfly. How much are you going to beg me for your kid's life?"

Perry gritted his teeth and glanced at his watch again. It was only 2:53. He headed for the apartment building, and hoped Jordan was holding up okay.

The door clicked shut behind him, and the familiar feelings of intense desperation racked his system again as he tied a rubber band around his upper arm. Wiping the syringe down with alcohol, he plunged it into his vein before he could change his mind.

The stars cried louder for him, and struggled to chant that his son would be fine. The lights seemed to beg to differ, and it began a new series of arguments as Perry lay on the bathroom floor and listened to it.

He held his wrist up to stare at the blue vein pumping blood through his arm. He stared at the ceiling quietly, and couldn't find it in himself to hate what he had just done. Some part of him knew he should.

The tears came quietly this time as the situation began to settle. Josh had Jack. Perry didn't know if Josh would hurt him or not, though Josh seemed to be the kind of person who would rather have leverage more than anything.

With a relieved shudder, Perry found a razor blade. The sighs of pain drifted from his mouth as he reopened the wounds and scars again, watching the blood drip to the floor.

Though very little else in his life was alright, now he had control over his own body again and what happened to it.

Feeling slightly dizzy from the blood loss a half-hour later, Perry began cleaning up the blood from the floor as best he could.

The stars asked him if that made him feel any better.

And Perry just nodded, though he couldn't voice his answer. That nameless something full of desperation and feeling snapped in his chest again, and the sobs grew until he choked on them. He vomited painfully into the toilet when he couldn’t cry anymore. His chest gave a spasm and he fell back to the floor of the bathroom, eyes darting around the room like a bird's.

The lighter was in his hand to burn and punish the cuts on his arm. If he'd done something…anything different, Jack would be safe right now. Newbie would be safe. Perry felt the flame lick at his arms greedily, and he let out a scream as the skin blistered beneath his touch.

With horror running like liquid, icy fire in his heart, Perry realized that this wasn't about being able to control his body anymore. It wasn't about being able to do as he liked because it was his life. This was his fault. Jack was missing because of him, Newbie had gotten shot and a new knee because of him. And nothing was going to make that better, Perry thought as the feeling left his arms. He moved the flame along his skin, wishing he had the courage to die but knowing that even if he did, he couldn't stand leaving Newbie or Jack. He began to sob again into the cold tile floor as he began the cycle all over again.

Punishment, after all, was easiest when doled out by the person who had done wrong.

XXXXXXX

When JD returned to his room, the bathroom door was shut. He frowned at that as the orderly helped him return to bed.

"We'll see ya tomorrow, Dr. Dorian," the orderly said and walked out of the room.

Feeling sweaty, sore, and pained, JD wondered where Perry had gone. He'd said he'd be back by the time JD was done with PT. JD shrugged and leaned back into bed. He was proud of himself, though his knee was hurting like crazy.

The door to the bathroom opened slowly. JD glanced over.

"Perry, is that you?" he called. "I just got back from PT, and…god, Elliot, what's wrong?"

Elliot could've kicked herself and struggled to wipe the remnants of her frightened face away.

Jordan came out behind her, looking equally stricken and red-eyed. "Shit…DJ…" She felt her chest quiver again, but she attempted to quell the fear.

Elliot put a hand on her shoulder gently. "I'll talk to him if you want to call your mom," she said.

Jordan only shot her a look of thanks and walked out of the room. Elliot approached the bed slowly, and hoped Dr. Cox wouldn't have her head later for this.

"What the hell's going on, Elliot?" JD asked. "Jordan and you look like crap."

Elliot blew a piece of hair from her face, and frowned as she tried to think of how she was going to say this.

"Did something happen to Perry?" he asked, voice laced with fear. "He's not in relapse, is he?"

"No, JD, nothing like that," Elliot replied, voice hoarse and quiet. "When Jordan went out to her car today, she found an envelope and one of Jack's baby blankets in the front seat." She struggled to clear her throat as a look of dawning horror swept over JD's face.

"No…not Jack." JD shook his head in flat-out denial even as Elliot continued.

"He left a note. He's supposed to call tonight around 7:30," she went on to say, but JD was still shaking his head. "He took Jack, JD."

"No, he couldn't have," JD replied, but his voice sounded shrill and scared. "Where's Perry?"

"Jordan said he'd gone for a walk, but was thinking about going home in case the guy decided to call early."

JD pressed his fingers to his eyes in an attempt to wrap his mind around the shock.

Eventually, the sickening fear and icy terror hit him square in the chest and head, and he fell back in a dead faint.

XXXXXXX

Josh bounced the ball in front of the giggling boy. He smiled, remembering that most children were content enough with a ball and box.

Sure enough, Jack toddled over to the empty box and crawled into it. He poked his head out with a shout of laughter. He spread his arms out to the air and caught the ball as Josh bounced it back to him.

The kid really was very sweet. Pacing Perry might've been unable to break, but this boy was still young, malleable, and very much the butterfly Josh had been searching for.

Jack gave him a curious look and threw the ball back.

Josh caught it. Jack bore a striking resemblance to one of the children he'd seen burn to death in the fire. He'd gotten the child out and to the hospital, only to watch him die a slow death of the burns and infection.

Jack giggled and held his hands out for the ball again. Josh bounced it to him.

Josh smirked despite himself as he glanced out the window. Cute the child may be, but he wasn't after the child.

He was after a disobedient butterfly who thought he could no longer be touched or harmed.

XXXXXXX

The police showed up to the apartment at 6:30 to begin setting up equipment to record the phone call and attempt to trace it.

Perry just showed them to the phone jack and brought out a table for them to set up the gear.

"How are you holding up, Dr. Cox?" one officer asked him carefully.

"Let me ask you something, Wendy," Perry replied warily.

"Yeah?"

"Were you born with a mental defect or did you drink the water from the nuclear plant you grew up beside?"

The officer backed away as Perry stayed near the phone. His arms stung with the fresh wounds, but he remained still. Jordan showed up half an hour later with her mother, who gave Perry a disapproving angry look.

"Who's going to be talking to the suspect?" Lieutenant Renicki asked gently at 7:15.

"He is," Jordan said in a clipped tone.

Perry just nodded his assent.

"Once you have him on the phone, try and keep him talking. Do anything you can to keep him on the line. Make sure to try and speak with your son. Above all, you have to remain calm. Try not to let him know that we're here."

Numbly, Perry nodded. The stars were begging him not to do this. At 7:20, they gave up trying to tell him that.

At 7:30, the phone rang. An officer signaled to Perry when it was okay to pick up the phone.

"Hello?" Perry asked carefully.

"Pacing Perry," Josh said almost cheerfully. "How is your day going?"

"You son of a bitch; what the hell have you done with Jack?" Perry snapped angrily.

"Now that's not very nice," Josh sniffed, holding the child on his lap. "Jacky, you want to say hello?"

Jack crowed and giggled into the receiver.

"Jack-jack, it's Daddy! Hang on!"

"That's sweet, Pacing Perry," Josh said idly as he bounced Jack on his knee.

Jordan struggled to keep her sobs quiet when she heard Jack's voice.

"If you hurt so much as one hair on his head," Perry began.

"Ah, ah, ah," Josh cut him off calmly. "You should learn to keep your temper, Pacing Perry. Some people do stupid things when they're not in control. But you know that better then I. Just ask Newbie."

It occurred to Perry at that moment just how long Josh must have been watching him. He pushed the thought away for later.

"Now here's what you're going to do," Josh went on in a casual tone as if talking about the weather. "You're going to come alone, with no weapons and no wire taps. I trust the police can hear that? If there's any of it-and I will know, I can promise that-then this is off, and your son will not make it through the night."

Jordan covered her mouth as best she could. "Please, Perry!"

"No one will be with you. You're going to meet me at the children's playground at Oakwood Park in the next town. If you disobey any of these commands, the kid's dead. Pacing Perry, you know that I don't really give a snot about how you feel, how your ex-wife feels, how her girlfriend feels, or how Newbie feels either. I'd suggest to the police now that they don't disobey me either. They've proven to be rather stupid up until now. If you're not there by 10:30 tonight, expect to find him hanging from the swingset."

The phone clicked dead.

"He was on a cell phone, but he had a signal jammer on the transmission," the officer stated quietly.

Perry stood there for a moment in a numb state of shock. Jordan's sobs ripped loose, and her mother slid her arms around Jordan's shoulders. His knees felt weak, but they didn't collapse underneath him.

Lieutenant Renicki came over to him. "So here's the plan, Dr. Cox…"

"No," Perry said firmly. "He's not bluffing. He will kill Jack."

"But Dr. Cox…"

"Do you really want a matching black eye?" Perry asked succinctly. "We're going to do what he told us to do. This man will kill him."

"How can you be certain?"

"He already nearly killed one person."

XXXXXXXX

JD awoke to Elliot brushing a cold washcloth over his forehead.

"You fainted," she said quietly.

"Ya think?" he snapped before he could stop it. Elliot jerked back slightly. "I'm sorry…do they know anything yet?"

"Yeah. Barbie, scram." Perry entered the room quickly, anger radiating off of him in waves. "Call Jordan; she'll catch you up."

"But…"

"I said scram!"

Elliot glared at him as hatefully as possible before she darted out of the room.

"I'm assuming Barbie spilled the beans," Perry said as he sat down on the edge of JD's bed.

"Why didn't you tell me right away?" JD realized at that point that Perry had used again, but he declined saying anything.

"Because you really need to be paying attention to your PT, Clarissa. I know you love him too, but this isn't your problem."

That stung, but JD lifted his chin defiantly. "I love him like he was my own. What's going to happen?"

"I'm meeting Josh tonight in the next town," Perry told him and grabbed JD's hands. "Look, JD…whatever happens to me, you have got to promise me you'll look after Jack and Jordan."

"Stop that, Dr. Cox!" His voice sounded shrill and terrified to his ears. "You can't just go like that! Is someone going with you?"

"No. If I come with anyone, he's going to kill Jack."

JD glared at him, struggling to sit up on his own despite the pain in his hip. "That's suicide and you know it."

"If it comes down to Jack or me, you know the answer to that, Newbie. And you also know that you'd do the same."

Though his heart felt like an old dishrag that someone kept trying to wring more from, JD knew he couldn't argue that.

"They'll call me if something happens, won't they?" JD finally asked numbly.

Perry nodded quietly and pulled him into a hug of desperation and intensity that had both their systems rocking like a boat at a storm. JD's arms stretched around Perry's waist.

"You've got to promise me you'll look after Jordan and Jack," the older man repeated.

"I will."

Perry brought a hand up to twine his fingers into JD's hair. "I love you, JD."

JD felt the sobs coming on before he could stop them and twisted his fingers into Perry's hoodie.

"I love you too, Perry."

Pressing a hard kiss to JD's forehead, Perry stood and left the room.

JD buried his face into his hands and sobbed in earnest. Carla came in some time later, and offered comfort in a friendly, tight hug.

When Turk came in, JD didn't know if he could cry anymore over the situation.

"Hey, J-dog," Turk said quietly, sitting behind Carla. "You know Carla and I are both here for you, right?"

JD nodded miserably and lay back. "C-bear…would you stay here tonight?"

Turk nodded. "Carla can stay too if you want. We'll stay as long as you want."

JD nodded. "Elliot brought a game of monopoly the other day. We could all play," he said dully, though he didn't want to. He knew it would keep his mind off of it though.

Carla nodded with a smile, though the brightness in her eyes was fake. "I'll call her right now, Bambi."

And thus started the longest night of JD's life. When Elliot came in with Carla a few minutes later, he looked at her brokenly. She didn't look much better.

"How's Jordan?" he asked carefully.

"Not so good. She's got her mother with her right now though," Elliot replied in the same evenly numb voice that JD had.

JD nodded quietly as Carla set up the board. "Who wants banker?"

"I'll take it," JD said though he hated math. It would keep his mind off of it. "Why are you doing this for me?" he asked quietly.

Elliot just stared at him, the same desolation apparent in her eyes. "Cause we know how to save a life."

Continues with Chapter 10