My Life

Chapter Five

It was one thing for someone to shake him awake so violently, and another thing to shove him out of the way. Especially when someone was whining in a high-pitched tone in his ear.

Perry thought for a moment in desperate hope that maybe the whole thing had been a horrible dream; that Newbie was shaking him awake and Barbie was trying to ask him something.

That, however, wasn't the case. And before Perry could ask anyone what in the name of God was going on, JD was being wheeled out for emergency surgery.

"But what's wrong with him?" Perry yelled out the door as they pushed the gurney. He stumbled to his feet, still asleep and hazy from drugs. "God damn it, someone tell me what's going on!" He ran after the gurney, trying to see what was going on.

An ER surgeon that Perry wasn't sure he recognized had rolled JD over to his side, and someone else had shoved an oxygen mask over JD's face.

Perry saw the flash of a scalpel as the doors shut. He banged on them furiously. "What's happening?" he yelled.

Carla ran down the hallway. "Perry, for the love of God, you're gonna wake everyone up! What's going on?"

"Doctors are being doctors; that's what," Perry snapped and banged one more time on the elevator doors.

"Hey, you think I like cleaning up your sweaty handprints off the doors there, big guy?" Janitor asked as he walked by despite Carla shaking her head violently and waving her hands frantically.

Perry turned around and before he could think, he slammed his fist into Janitor's jaw.

"Clean up that handprint, Jumpsuit," Perry snapped at him as Janitor hit the floor with a dull thud and stared at him.

"What the hell just happened?" Janitor asked, reaching up to touch his jaw.

"Oh, don't touch it, Janitor. Let me look at it," Carla said with a sigh and rubbed a hand over it. "That is going to be a beautiful bruise."

Janitor grumbled as Carla pulled a bottle of rubbing alcohol from behind the nurse's desk.

Perry turned before he headed for the stairs. "Oh yeah. Floor's wet, Jumpsuit."

XXXXXXXX

"Your friend must have one hell of a reason to live," Dr. Wen said tiredly when he emerged from surgery.

Perry looked up. "What the hell happened? He was fine before he went to sleep."

"Was he lucid at all?"

"He was a little altered," Perry said with a frown. "But he was doped up on pain meds."

Dr. Wen frowned. "He wasn't more altered then usual?"

"I guess he was, but they'd just given him his pain shot for the night."

"He had a blood clot, just around the GSW in his shoulder," Dr. Wen went on. "The altered mental state might have been because his brain wasn't getting enough oxygen. You know what would've happened next."

Perry closed his eyes in self-hatred. He should've caught that. JD would have fallen asleep from the lack of oxygen until the clot managed to affect the blood flow to the heart, effectively launching his system into cardiac arrest.

"I should've been able to catch that," Perry muttered.

Dr. Wen put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't blame yourself, Dr. Cox. You said so yourself; that they'd just given him a pain shot for the night. Between his height and weight, it's no wonder the stronger narcotics affect him that way. He should be fine when he wakes up, but you know I can't say that with certainty."

"Yeah, I know." Perry looked in the ICU room. JD had a tube down his throat, though he was capable of breathing on his own. Even so, Dr. Wen had cited that it was for safety precautions, and a tube was easily removed after all. "How's this gonna push back his surgery on his knee?"

"Dr. Yancey has other obligations for the next few days," Dr. Wen replied honestly. "It's really up to John. When he wakes up and if he's well enough, they'll schedule him again. I'm sorry, Dr. Cox."

Perry waved a hand in acknowledgement of the apology. He stared into the ICU room, one arm crossed against his chest and his other hand raised to his mouth, brushing his lips against his knuckle in worry.

"Perry?"

He jumped and turned. Carla stood there with a pale, worried look on her face.

"What happened to Bambi?" she asked. "He was fine when I left him."

"He was fine when he went to sleep," Perry replied, though the lie made his stomach churn.

Carla frowned. "I was there just after Dr. Imus gave him his pain meds for the night. He was a little loopy, but he was fine otherwise."

"He had a blood clot," Perry muttered, kicking the wall as he paced. "He was loopy because his brain was suffocating."

"But he was fine; he was going into surgery tomorrow morning!" Carla snapped and hated the tears that had begun to sting her eyes.

"He's not going in tomorrow morning," Perry replied with a sigh. "Not until he wakes up and gets a clean bill from the doctors."

"What the hell was wrong with the Pulse-OX monitor then?" Carla replied indignantly. "It should've gone off if there wasn't enough oxygen in his blood!"

Perry frowned. He hadn't remembered an alarm going off before going to sleep. "I don't think I know. Dr. Wen thinks he'll be fine, but…"

"There's no certainty in medicine," Carla muttered and resisted the childish urge to stamp her foot and throw a tantrum. "I'd better page Turk."

"I wouldn't," Perry replied. "Ghandi's got other priorities tonight, and all telling him is going to do is distract him from his job."

Carla peered at the gowned nurse checking JD's vitals. "They've got him in a sterile room?"

Perry nodded. "Until he wakes up anyway. Dr. Wen mentioned something about trying to avoid an infection in his knee earlier."

"God, when is this going to go away?" Carla muttered.

The statement hit Perry in the gut, and he felt the need to either throw up or cut his skin until he couldn't feel it anymore.

"Carla…" Perry trailed off. "You know it's never going to be normal again." He pulled her into a loose, friendly hug even though his insides screamed. "But that's life."

She nodded and rubbed the tears from her eyes. "Turk and Elliot will want to know though."

"I'll call Jordan," Perry replied absently as he wondered if he could sneak into JD's room later. Dr. Wen had said that visitors probably weren't a good idea, but possible. "She'll get in touch with Elliot."

Carla frowned. "Why would Jordan be able to get in touch with Elliot at all?"

Perry's throat bobbed with nerves and he could've smacked himself. "Elliot's been watching Jack a lot for her lately." Though Jordan wouldn't care much about rumors and gossip, he knew Elliot would rather keep her personal life from the hospital. It also wouldn't look good for either of them due to Jordan's board member position.

She raised an eyebrow at him, but nodded. "You should go home and get some sleep, Perry. He's not going to wake up tonight."

Perry snapped himself from the daze. "I'll get there eventually," he replied distantly, though he was thinking of two entirely different things.

Carla looked at him, trying to read his face. She sighed when it remained impassive and slightly dazed.

"I'll call Turk if you get a hold of Elliot," Carla finally said. "Turk's just down the hallway; hell, he's probably already on his way."

As if on cue, Turk was speeding down the hallway, and before Carla could grab a hold of him, one his big fists had planted itself into Perry's face.

Perry hit the wall behind him hard and he glared at Turk. "Christ, Ghandi, I know your panties are bunched up right now because of your girlfriend and everything, but…"

"Save it, you sanctimonious bastard," Turk snapped, glaring at him. His other fist was already prepared to deliver another blow. He would have, if Carla hadn't snatched his arm and held on as tightly as she could.

"Baby, stop it!"

"If he hadn't taken you on," Turk went on. "If he'd just let you kill yourself with it, he'd be fine right now! You selfish son of a bitch; he's in there because he tried to help you, and all you've ever done for him is ridicule him and make him feel like shit! Woman, let go!"

"Please, Carla, let him go," Perry replied with slightly bared teeth. "I didn't ask Katie-cares-a-lot in there to jump in front of me; I didn't ask him to try and help; I didn't ask him to do anything for me!"

"You really think he'd let you destroy yourself?" Turk shot back, still trying to jerk his arm from Carla's hold. "He looks up to you, man! Don't you get it?"

Turk finally ripped free from Carla's hold and shoved his shoulder into Perry's stomach and slammed him into the wall again.

"Baby, stop it!" Carla yelled. "That's not going to help Bambi and you know it!"

Perry heard a sickening pop as Turk slammed an arm against his newly-healed shoulder.

"God damn it, Ghandi," Perry muttered, stars popping behind his eyes.

Todd rushed around the corner and grabbed Turk around the waist to drag him off of Perry.

"Come on, man, he's not worth it," Todd muttered. "And if there's going to be a pile-up of anyone anywhere; let me know next time, okay?"

Turk shoved Todd off of him and stalked off angrily.

Perry gingerly touched the side of his face and grimaced. Just when the other one had finally disappeared.

"Jock-strap's got a hell of a right hook," Perry muttered.

Carla looked torn between wanting to help Perry and go after Turk. "Perry, I'm so sorry…"

"Go after him, Carla. I'm fine." He watched her walk off with Todd. "I've had worse." His eyes drifted to JD's pale face.

Perry sighed and headed for the next floor to have someone reset his shoulder.

XXXXXXX

At this point, Perry didn't care if the neighbors complained about the noise. He cranked his stereo up and let the intense strains of rock fill his ears as he lay still on the bed. A bag of melted ice sat in a bowl beside of the bed. The swelling had still happened, and he nearly couldn't see out of his right eye.

He hadn't asked for any of this, he thought darkly. He hadn't asked for Josh to ruin his life. He hadn't asked for Newbie to put it back together. And he sure as hell hadn't signed on to hop to the other side of the fence.

Slightly sticky with sweat, Perry sat up. His system shook angrily at him and demanded that he put something into it before it got mad.

Perry didn't want the drugs, and was more then willing to deal with the after-effects of withdrawal. He didn't think anything could be worse then losing Newbie at this point.

The loss of control was palpable, and Perry scrubbed his face. The nausea was already kicking in, and he burped with a grimace.

Walking into the bathroom, Perry stared at where the mirror used to be. A few fragments still remained in the frame. He balanced carefully to look at the shiner Turk had given him, and winced as he poked at the bruised skin. He sighed and propped a hand against the wall.

The nausea had kicked in full-force now.

Damn it, Newbie wasn't supposed to be this stupid, Perry thought bitterly. He wasn't supposed to let Perry miss what could have been a very easy escape from the life he had landed in. Newbie wasn't supposed to care that much. He wasn't supposed to give up either.

Perry stared hard at the sink, willing the bile back down his throat even as the need for something to take him away from life grew.

Of course, for every one thing that Newbie wasn't supposed to do, Perry had an answer of his own.

After all, Perry wasn't supposed to be this stupid either. He wasn't supposed to treat Newbie any different then the other interns he'd taught. And he sure as hell wasn't supposed to care so much.

The need grew higher as Turk's words rang accusingly in his head. Perry didn't even want to think about what Barbie would have to say when she saw him next. Sighing, he realized he still hadn't called Jordan.

Perry stared at the needle on the shelf of the medicine cabinet. It really was his fault that Newbie was lying near death in a hospital bed. He should've caught the altered mental state. He'd known Newbie could be a silly dork nine times out of ten (mostly because sometimes it cheered him up), but he should've realized something was wrong.

If Perry hadn't let JD stay with him in the first place, Newbie wouldn't even be there anyway, which would've made tonight null and void.

He stood still, even as his stomach swirled and his skin danced with pinpricks. He didn't mind the physical effects so much. He'd been through detox before for alcohol, and while he knew the two weren't relative, they still had similar effects.

His cell phone went off with a text message. Perry frowned at that; no one ever texted him (if they knew what was good for them anyway).

Perry felt the nausea return in full-force. JD had crashed again, but was okay, followed by an order from Carla to stay home and get some rest. Before he could change his mind, he grabbed the needle again.

When the stars talked to him that night, they promised to watch over Newbie. The lights laughed at him for being so stupid as to care about another person so much in that way. Josh's voice taunted him and asked about Jack and Jordan, and just how did they feel about Newbie anyway?

Perry resolutely picked up the landline phone in his apartment to call Jordan.

XXXXXXX

Jordan frowned in her groggy state of sleep. Something was ringing. Loudly. Right next to her ear.

"Blondie…get that already, would you?" Jordan muttered, rubbing her hands over her eyes. "Some of us still want to sleep."

Elliot, who had only been off of her double shift for a few hours, groaned and leaned over Jordan to fumble for the phone. She leaned drowsily over Jordan's stomach, eliciting a snarled remark from the other woman.

"Hullo?" she asked in a rough, sleep-edged voice. "Yeah. She's here." Elliot dropped the phone on Jordan's chest. "For you."

Jordan grimaced with a grunt of irritation. "Doesn't the phrase "she's sleeping because it's three in the morning" exist to you?" She picked up the phone. "Dear god, what the hell do you…Perry? What? Yeah. When?" Her tone changed immediately, drawing Elliot from the peaceful arms of sleep. "He's not…okay. Yeah. I'll tell her, Perry. Is he going to be okay? Right. Typical of the doctors. Yeah, I'll let her know. I don't want to hear the apology about the time, because you know what? The next time you call me at three in the morning, I'll rip your balls off and use them for jewelry to give to your boyfriend." She hung up the phone and sat up, now fully awake.

Elliot looked at her worriedly from her position on her stomach. "What happened?"

Jordan scrubbed the sleep from her face as best as she could. "He crashed last night," she said, struggling to keep her voice light and work the hoarseness of sleep from it. "And he crashed again about ten minutes ago."

Awake in a near instant, Elliot jerked up. "Is he okay?"

"Calm down, princess, he's fine. But he's not waking up any time soon."

"Did Dr. Cox say why?"

Jordan frowned, trying to remember the conversation. Perry had rattled off medical jargon (which had always made her angry in the past) that she didn't quite understand, let alone remember.

"Something about a blood clot in his shoulder?" Jordan tried, slipping the sleep mask from her face. "Oxygen deprivation. Yeah. I remember something about that."

"But he was fine when I left yesterday!" Elliot snapped worriedly as she rose from the bed.

"Princess, keep your voice down or you'll…"

A shrill cry from the hallway made Jordan groan as she dropped back to the bed.

"You're getting him," Jordan snapped. "It took me forever to get him to sleep last night."

"I thought he normally went right out," Elliot said as she pulled a shoe on, hopping around on one foot.

Jordan grinned in the darkness, though her voice didn't show it. "My mother. She feeds him so much sugar, he's bouncing off the walls by the time he gets back to me."

"I'll get him. Could you make a pot of coffee?" Elliot asked carefully.

"I guess that means I'm not getting any more sleep tonight," Jordan groaned as she swung her legs from the bed. "God, Blondie, you owe me. Big time. I officially own your ass for the next week."

Elliot flipped on the light in the bedroom. Jordan shrieked, shielding her eyes.

"Damn it, Elliot!" she snapped.

"You know, it never bothers my eyes when I turn lights on," Elliot said as she sprinted to Jack's room. "And it is the best way to wake up in the morning."

Jack was waving his arms around with tears streaming down his pudgy face.

"Shh, Jack-jack, it's okay," Elliot said soothingly, though she wasn't sure she could calm the child down.

Jack sniffed at her, holding his arms out. When the lady in front of him scooped him up, he sniffed again. She smelled like Mommy, but it still wasn't her.

But Jack wasn't picky.

Jordan belted a robe around her waist and began making coffee. The smell of the grounds began to bring her mind to a reluctant state of somewhat awake.

"If that was an old-lady crack back there, you're really in for it, princess," Jordan mumbled as Elliot walked into the room with a sleepy Jack on her shoulder.

"Does he always…uh…hug people like this?" Elliot asked uncomfortably, flicking her eyes to the snuggling baby in her arms.

Jordan raised an eyebrow. "Not usually." She sat down at the table and rested her head down on her arms. "I'm going to kill Perry. Then DJ. And then you. Slowly. Painfully. And in a way that you'll still be hurting a thousand years in the future in hell."

Elliot sat down, settling Jack on her lap. The boy's head rolled slightly in a dozing sleep-state.

"Did Dr. Cox say anything else about JD's condition?" she asked.

Jordan shook her head, but didn't look up as the coffee brewed. "It's three in the morning. I was asleep. He said something about blood clot, his fault, wah, oxygen deprivation, his fault, wah, sorry for calling so late, his fault, blah, blah, blah."

Elliot chewed on a nail as Jack woke slowly from the talking around him. "Blood clot in the GSW in his shoulder, it sounds like. Oxygen deprivation to the brain. He would've fallen asleep and crashed."

"Yeah. That's what he said," Jordan said without meaning it. "He said he's fine now, but that he'd crashed again around 2:48. He's still sleeping or something like that. Look, princess, DJ's a tough kid. He'll live."

The coffee pot bubbled as it neared completion.

Jack squirmed in Elliot's lap, reaching hands up to grab at the shoulders of her lab shirt.

"Coffee," Jordan mumbled appreciatively. "I made it, you get me a cup."

"Yes, your majesty," Elliot muttered, hoping the sarcasm got through to her.

Jordan did raise her head at that. "That's more like it. I knew I was training you right."

Elliot rolled her eyes as she balanced Jack with one arm and prepared two cups of coffee.

"You know, I am sorry to hear about your own medical condition," Elliot said lightly.

Jordan raised an eyebrow, not liking Elliot's tone. "Yeah? What's that?"

"But with medical technology these days-you know how I like to keep up with it-maybe they'll find a cure for old and terminal bitchiness one of these days."

"You really are asking for it," Jordan muttered, still too sleepy to really make book on it. "I already own you for a week, now I've got you for a month. I'll see to it you don't walk straight for at least two."

Elliot plunked a cup in front of Jordan. "It was worth it." She settled Jack on the floor to play and began to gulp her own cup. "So you'd really take a couple of shots if the situation came up?"

Jordan, still slightly sleepy and not keeping up with her regular cattiness, rested her head back down to her arms again.

"Princess, your need for affirmation of affection is sometimes sickening," Jordan mumbled as the coffee steamed enticingly in front of her. "I already said once that I'd take two." She readjusted her head comfortably as Jack tugged at her knee. "Or four."

Elliot hid her smile behind her mug as Jack kicked one of her feet.

XXXXXXX

Dan Dorian entered the hospital with a swagger. He wondered if he should pay homage to family obligation and find Johnny first to hit him or to go with his gut and look for Elliot.

He rode the elevator with a whistle and a glance to his watch. Always one for showing up when he felt like it, he wondered if Johnny would be happy to see him this time.

Dan stepped off the elevator, not sure if he'd gotten the right floor or not. The hall was quiet. The sign read "ICU". Dan tried to remember exactly where Johnny was working, and decided this place would be as good as any to look for him.

If nothing else, the cute nurse behind the desk would know.

Dan leaned casually against the countertop. "Say, cutie," he said with a charming smile. "You think you could hook me up with something?"

The nurse looked up with a raised eyebrow, deciding the man in front of her was cute enough. "Can I help you, sir?" she asked, returning his grin with a coy smirk of her own.

"Yeah. I'm looking for my brother, Dr. John Dorian?"

The nurse frowned, her smile fading as she looked at the room roster. This guy was hitting on her when his brother was sitting near death in the ICU?

"He's in room 427. Jerk." The nurse turned her nose up and walked away.

Dan frowned. "Jeez," he trailed off. He hadn't come on too strong, he didn't think. Shrugging his shoulders and pushing his hands into his pockets, he walked down the hallway and read room numbers as he went.

The sock to the gut felt like a baseball bat when he found room 427. His mouth fell open and he went immediately for the door.

"Hey, you can't go in there like that!" a doctor yelled at him and grabbed a hold of his arm before he went in. "That room's sterile, you'll need to gown up. Are you family?"

"That's my little brother," Dan said, feeling very much as if someone had transferred the San Andreas fault to his chest. "What the hell happened to Johnny?"

"Name?"

"Dan Dorian, you shmuck. What happened to him?"

Carla recognized Dan from the hallway. "Dan?" she called, lab reports in her hand to drop off to the front desk. She smiled pleasantly to the nurse, handed them off and ran to catch up with Dan.

"Carla, what happened? I just dropped by to visit Johnny, and…" Dan trailed off for lack of words, gesturing to the room where JD lay still.

"Dan, sit down," Carla said gently. Dan didn't obey. "Or you can stand. Look, what all do you know about what's been going on?"

"Why didn't anyone call me? I know I'm busy half the time, but I at least would've liked to have known there was something wrong with him," Dan snapped, anger finally getting through to his shocked mind.

"I thought Elliot had called you," Carla replied honestly, though the memory of JD being in the ER in the first place was hazy in her memory. She recalled vaguely that Elliot had started to dial, but then Dr. Wen had met them. "He was shot."

"Shot? Why?"

"It's a long story," Carla said wearily. "I've still got some work to do, but if you want, we can meet for coffee in about an hour?"

"Where's the black guy then?" Dan asked. "I want to know what happened now."

Perry strode down the hallway. The minute he saw Dan, he groaned inwardly. His day was just getting better and better.

"Hey, Coxer," Dan said, patting his shoulder. He frowned as he took in the black eye, the cast, and the sling over his shoulder. "What the hell happened to you, man? You look like hell. Have you lost weight? What happened to Johnny?"

Carla groaned, pressing her fingers into her eyes. Her day just kept getting better and better.

"Come on, Dan. I'll explain in the cafeteria," she muttered, and led him away before Perry could say anything.

Perry fell into a chair and rubbed a hand over his face. Between Jordan's demonic screeching, Turk's fist of iron, and what Dan was about to find out, Perry wondered if he should just go back home, crawl into bed and make a better attempt at killing himself.

Continues with Chapter 6