My Life

Chapter Three

When JD awoke again, the pain was sharp and clear in his knee and hip. He gasped with it as he opened his eyes.

The disappointment of Perry's absence hurt nearly as much. JD felt tears pricking behind his eyes, and told himself it was because his kneecap felt like it was about to explode.

Fumbling for the nurse button, JD finally managed to wrap his fingers around it and smacked it hard.

Seconds later, Carla poked her head in. "What's wrong, Bambi?" she asked when she saw his pale face.

"Pain," he muttered. "Really awful pain."

Carla sighed and came in to check his vitals as she signaled for Dr. Imus.

"Where's Dr. Cox?" JD asked quietly.

"He ran downstairs to grab a cup of coffee. The man hasn't slept in twenty hours, and I had to shove him out of here for the coffee because I wouldn't get it for him."

"And Jordan?"

Carla looked up at the vehemence in his voice when he said the woman's name. "She's at home with Jack, I'd assume. I can ask Elliot; they seem to be seeing a lot of each other lately."

"That's not necessary," JD muttered, feeling petty for making a big deal out of it. "Any insider info on when I might be able to get out of here?"

"Bambi, you know you're going to be here a while," Carla admonished him. "Have you seen your X-rays yet?"

JD shook his head. "Out of it? Doped up? Dealing with a man who doesn't know how to pull his head from his ass?"

"Thanks for the absolutely lovely comment, Shelby," Perry mentioned from the door.

JD felt the color drain from his face and his ears turn pink.

Dr. Imus entered the room a moment later and shot Perry a disapproving look before attending to the IV in JD's arm.

"Can I get my x-rays?" JD asked curiously.

Dr. Imus nodded shortly. "You're going to be here a while, Dr. Dorian." When he returned a few moments later, a manila folder was in his hands. He handed them off to JD. "When he's done, Nurse Espinosa, would you run them back to the filing cabinet?"

Carla nodded and mussed JD's hair. "I've gotta scoot, Bambi. Rest up; it's good for the soul." She looked pointedly at Perry, who mocked the look back to her.

Perry leaned against the wall, a steaming styrofoam cup in his hand as JD slipped the plastic sheets from their casing.

"Christ…" JD trailed off, looking at the plastic through the ceiling light. "It's one thing to work at a hospital; it's another to be a patient," he muttered reluctantly as he pulled another sheet out of his collarbone.

"Small price to pay to be alive," Perry remarked as he sat down. He wore a hooded sweatshirt today, and blue jeans that looked as if they had been through both world wars, the gulf, and then dragged through the sand for a few months. "I'd rather be breathing then suffer an acute lack of oxygen."

JD frowned still as he gave the x-ray of his hip a fuzzy study. "Looks like they won't have to replace that at least," he muttered, and held up the one of his knee again. "That, on the other hand…"

"I'll remind you again, Newbie…you're alive." Perry grimaced as he tasted the acid that some poor soul had called coffee.

"Yeah, so?" JD muttered before he could think about it.

The anger surged in Perry's chest immediately. "You take three bullets for me, nearly kick the final curb, and you want to sit there and…"

"Save it, Dr. Cox," JD snapped as he slid the x-rays back into the folder.

"No," Perry growled back, snapping his cup to the bedside table. A little coffee spilled from it to the surface. "You just don't get it, Newbie. You nearly died on the table; you get that? Your heart stopped beating! This isn't a game! It should've been me, but you had to play the hero!"

JD glared at him fiercely. "Yeah, I did have to play the hero. If I hadn't done what I did, he would've killed you!"

"Who cares?" Perry shouted back with a tight, heaving chest and a sick stomach.

His face pale, JD's eyes widened as his mouth dropped slightly. "You sick fuck," he spat out furiously. "I care, don't you get that yet? I care about you! Even while you're getting your jollies off teasing me to Jordan! I was the one who cared enough about you to jump in front of you! Whatever you think of me, I don't care. But you deserve to live. Everyone deserves to keep breathing!"

Perry glared hard at him. "My life isn't worth yours, JD!" He whirled around and shoved his way out of the room.

JD sat still, face pale and heart reeling. The medication had begun to kick in, and he wished desperately that he could get out of the damn bed to go after the man.

For a moment, JD actually felt lucky to be stuck in the bed. If he'd been able to get out of it, Perry Cox would have ended up in the room next to him by the time JD was done with him.

For his part, Perry was glad he'd left the room when he did for fear he'd only prolong JD's stay in the hospital. On his way home, he bought another lighter.

XXXXXXX

When Perry arrived home, the anger was still fresh. Yanking his hooded sweatshirt off and throwing it to the floor, he slammed the door shut with his heel. He paced the room for a moment and felt stupid when he finally flopped onto the couch.

"At least you're doing it right then," he muttered to himself. "Make sure you get the last rung of that ladder snapped off before you fall."

The lighter felt heavy in his pocket, and he stared at the blank screen of the TV. He watched his own warped reflection as he sat forward and raised his head to the ceiling.

Perry wondered for a minute why he was shoving JD away so hard. When his thoughts drifted in a decidedly uncomfortable area, he growled at himself and stood again to pace.

"Pacing Perry…that's your new nickname. Pacing Perry, why do you walk so much? You think if you walk fast enough and far enough, you'll actually get away from me? I told you, Pacing Perry. I'm in your head now more then ever. You've got no one but me now."

Perry felt the horror unfurl in his stomach as the voice drifted in and out of his ears. "Shut up!" he yelled out loud, clapping his hands over his ears as his eyes pricked with tears again. "For Christ's sake, just shut up!"

"I knew you couldn't ignore what's been in your head all along. Pacing Perry, do you still drink? Do you still feel it in your blood? Do you want the drink so much more now then ever? Because liquor is quicker, but needles are instant."

He paced wildly around the couch now, ears burning in pain as he struggled to hold them closed.

"Look in the mirror, Pacing Perry; what do you see? Do you see that pathetic scrap of a man whose only comfort was a bottle? Or do you see that precious child of yours, staring back at you the way you once stared at your own father? Better yet, do you see that eager face called Newbie, just begging for you? I bet I know what you see."

Perry squeezed his eyes shut as he fell to his knees. He felt the dread flowing over him like ice, and the lighter in his pocket became a rock by his hip.

"I bet every time you look in that mirror and try and convince yourself that you're okay…I bet all you see is me."

Biting his lip as hard as he could, he tried to concentrate on the taste of the coppery blood that stained his tongue.

"You're just waiting for that kid to give up on you. I think you might've done it this time. I'm all you have left."

Even now, Perry couldn't recognize himself. As the taste of blood filled his mouth and nose, he could remember the snap of his forearm as Josh neatly broke it with his kneecap. He shook his head as the lump grew hard in his chest.

Nausea washed over him like a cold sheet of ice, and Perry scrambled for the bathroom. He had barely gotten there in time when he wretched dryly into the commode.

Still shaking, Perry struggled to his feet.

"I even know where you're going now, Pacing Perry."

Avoiding the mirror in the visitor's bathroom for fear of what he would see, Perry fell into his bedroom. His skin crawled even now with the memories of cold, grimy hands running up and down his sides and back.

The door swung open to the other bathroom where Perry still had not cleaned up the broken mirror fragments in the ground. He shivered now, or possibly shook, for all he was aware of his surroundings.

He grasped blindly for the small bag in the open medicine cabinet. Glass crunched beneath his boots and he grabbed the bag from the shelf. Still stumbling and swaying, he fell to his knees just outside of the bathroom door.

"I remember the last time you were this desperate, Pacing Perry. You couldn't see straight then either."

He sat kneeled on the floor, hands shaking badly enough that when he stared at them, he swore they were blurry. He still pushed a hand into the bag and felt his fingers frantically wrap around a syringe.

He didn't feel the jab of the needle, and fell backwards onto his back. And even though his hands still shook, his body felt still.

"You're just determined, Pacing Perry, to let yourself sink down."

He stared at the ceiling and his head rolled to the side.

When the fragments of the mirror stared back at him with a face he no longer recognized, he bit down hard on his hand to keep from screaming. The terror was still there, and panic made his heart pound in fear.

The scream ripped loose anyway, and he wondered when this had become his life.

When Perry woke an hour later, his arm was streaked in blood. He gingerly sat up with an aching head and chattering teeth. He looked around the empty bedroom as the stars clucked at him in sympathy and the lights gave him an "I told you so".

He looked at the door, realizing JD wasn't there; wouldn't be there for a long time. Gently picking himself up from the floor, he leaned heavily against the wall. Breathing hard, he righted himself and headed for his dresser to find a clean shirt.

Taking care to concentrate on each specific next step, Perry started with washing the new cuts on his arm. He re-bandaged them and changed his shirt, opting to throw the old one away. He cleaned up the glass in the bathroom and walked out to the living room.

Picking up the dark brown hoodie in the floor, he slipped it over his head and ran a hand through his tangled hair. Not bothering to check his haggard image in the mirror, he grabbed his keys and locked the door behind him.

The air was cold outside, and Perry let his fingers grow slightly numb with it. He put one foot in front of the other, head down as he headed for the hospital.

XXXXXXXX

Carla looked up when JD's door had opened again. Perry was entering the room again in a very careful fashion. Frowning, Carla closed the chart she had been working on and spied as unobtrusively as possible. Earlier in the afternoon, JD had only said in biting tones that "Perry needed rest; I sent him home".

Perry quietly shut the door to JD's room and sat down beside the bed again.

JD frowned in his sleep at the shuffling of noise and the clicking of the door. Through a drugged haze, he opened his eyes and saw Perry's face staring back at him.

"You're back," he said in a rasping voice.

Perry wordlessly nodded. The scared hopelessness was evident in his hands and eyes, even as his mouth remained even and his face stayed composed.

JD stared at the man who had taught him everything he'd needed to know to be a good doctor and struggled to recall some of that "wonderful" training in order to help him now.

"You're not going to give up, are you?" Perry asked evenly, but the heartache was laced throughout his tone.

JD frowned. "No." And he had to wonder what had happened while Perry had been gone, or at least, what he'd heard. Even now, JD was beginning to get used to the voices Perry claimed to hear at times. "You aren't either, right? I need you now just as much as you need me."

Perry looked at him with broken eyes and he passed his hands over his face to rub the grit from it.

"That's all I needed to know." The tension was still in his shoulders, and Perry clutched his hands in the front pocket of the hoodie as he leaned back in his chair.

JD frowned as he drifted off to sleep again.

Carla wasn't sure she liked it either as she watched from outside. Perry was wound up like a live wire. She frowned, swearing that JD had told her that the older doctor had already had that big snap.

Looking at him now, Perry appeared as if anyone but JD came near him, he'd go wild with fright. Deciding it was best to leave them both alone, she continued down the hallway.

Perry stared at JD hard as the younger doctor fell back into a drug-induced sleep. He hadn't thought JD needed him at all.

When he was sure the kid was asleep, Perry picked up JD's hand again, rubbing warmth into the cool skin.

"I need you right now too, Newbie."

That night, Perry didn't sleep.

XXXXXXXX

Jordan held a bobby pin between her lips as she twisted her hair into some sort of complicated updo that Elliot had yet to understand.

"You've got to tell me again, Blondie. Why are we going out when your best friend's in the hospital and my ex-husband is drooling after him?"

Elliot walked out of her bedroom, pushing a dangling earring into one lobe. One earring to go still, she gave a motion with her hands that clearly said "and you called me the stupid one".

"That's precisely why we should go out. All you've got right now is Jack to focus on," Elliot went on, pushing in the other earring. "You're gonna go insane if you keep pulling that. You've got to loosen up and have fun."

"That's all great in theory, princess, but I've got a kid and a drug-addict ex-husband. Tell me what part of my life right now is supposed to be fun."

"God, are you that afraid to let go or is that the plastic surgery preventing you from smiling?" Elliot asked as she looped a necklace around her collarbone.

Jordan narrowed her eyes. "Thin ice, princess. I don't tell you about the crow's feet around your eyes."

Elliot's hands immediately flew to her temples as she massaged the skin there. "Quit being a bitch."

"Honey, you're playing lapdog with the wrong girl if you're already telling me that."

Elliot bit back a smart remark as Jordan finished twisting a pair of Japanese-style pegs into the bun on the back of her head.

"I don't want to hear any backtalk about how I'm not a girl anymore," Jordan snapped, catching the look in the mirror.

"I didn't say anything," Elliot protested.

Jordan turned and stalked towards her, trailing a finger beneath Elliot's necklace. "Do I really have to remind you of what happened last time you wanted to be a smart ass, princess?"

Elliot gulped. Do I remember; frick, is she kidding me? My ass still hurts when I sit down the wrong way…

Jordan tugged the necklace when Elliot backed away. "So glad you're deciding to be a big girl." She dropped the chain and turned back to the mirror to add the finishing touches to what was always (in her mind) a perfect look.

Elliot grinned despite herself, struggling to keep the smirk out of it. On impulse, she hugged the other woman around the waist from behind.

Jordan jumped. "Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot, princess!" she yelped as she raised her arms and looked over her shoulder.

Elliot gave a confused look. "Do what?"

"Since when do we ever hug, blondie?" Jordan pointed out, looking at Elliot's arms.

"Since never, I guess." Elliot backed away, whistling to herself as she picked up her bag.

Jordan watched her go, and told herself that since Elliot's arms were always warm, that was why she felt slightly cold when the girl had backed off.

XXXXXXXXX

Elliot had resolved to drink virgin daquiris that night, citing that she had to work early tomorrow morning.

"What fun are you going to be tonight then?" Jordan asked (she had just polished off her fifth drink and second shot).

Though her face turned red, Elliot tried to pull off flirty. "I'm always fun."

Jordan snorted and laughed. "Sorry, sweetie…I could've sworn you were just trying to be cute or something."

"Come to the bathroom with me," Elliot said, struggling to steel her resolve.

Jordan tossed back another shot. "Whatever you say, blondie." She half-stood and half-slid off her stool and linked her arm with Elliot's on the way to the bathroom.

Halfway there, Elliot let her hand fall and grabbed a hold of Jordan's wrist to push the other woman against the wall.

Jordan's face turned furious instantly, but before she could began to shout, Elliot effectively silenced her with a sound kiss. Jordan's other hand came up, already clenched in a fist, but Elliot snatched that quickly as well and slammed it against the wall.

Biting at the blonde's lip, Jordan made an indignant sound, but Elliot didn't move. If nothing else, the doctor only deepened the kiss further, sliding a tongue into the older woman's mouth.

Jordan gradually relaxed, her fists unclenching and her fingers sliding into Elliot's smoothly. Elliot's head dropped to her neck, biting at her collarbone hard enough to leave a mark just at the juncture of neck and shoulder.

"You're in so much trouble, princess."

Continues with Chapter 4