My Life

Chapter Two

When Perry woke, his eyes immediately drifted to JD's face. He grumbled to himself when he was met with closed eyes and even breathing. Sitting up, he groaned as bone and muscle protested his positioning for the night.

The sun was barely peeking through the curtains, and Perry rubbed his stinging eyes. He really needed to wash his face. Slipping his hand from JD's, Perry stood and stretched his back as best he could and slipped his hands over his head.

Carla entered the room quietly and began checking his vitals. "Morning, Dr. Cox."

Perry opened one eye. "Carla, so help me God if you've been up all night doing this."

Carla smiled, though lack of sleep was evident on her face. "I caught a few hours in the on-call room with Turk. Elliot and Jordan left about an hour ago to grab breakfast and pick up Jack from Jordan's mother's."

Though a part of him was semi-interested at that, Perry refrained from asking as he checked after Carla.

"He's not much better…but he's not getting worse," Carla said helpfully.

Perry raised an eyebrow at her. "I did manage to grab four years of medical school during my crazy wild-child days. You really should have gotten more sleep."

"I got as much as I could," Carla replied somewhat defensively. "Some of these night-nurses are wacko, Perry. I needed to do something."

"That's a nurse; always do something," Perry muttered and rubbed at his eyes.

"You should go home and wash up, Perry," Carla said gently. "Dr. Imus gave him another sedative about an hour ago. Bambi will probably be out for a while."

"I can't leave him like this, Carla."

"You're still healing too," she replied pointedly. "And you need decent sleep and rest too."

Perry cursed her not only because she was right, but because his normally-steady hands were shaking. He glared at JD's broken body.

"Stupid kid," Perry muttered, kicking the floor again with a shake of his head.

"It's not your fault."

The look he gave her clearly implied that she was wrong. "Look, if he wakes up for a minute…just…"

"I get it." Carla shooed him out of the room. "Go change; wash up. You need to."

Sighing, Perry walked out of the room, still rubbing at the sore muscles in his neck. He debated between walking and trying to grab a ride from someone. Looking out a window, he saw the gray clouds lining the skies and grimaced.

It wasn't raining now, but if he wanted to walk, he'd need to leave now. Perry sighed and gave a last look to JD before taking the elevator to the bottom floor of the hospital.

Alone in the lift, Perry struggled to calm his shaking hands. The tension in his bones and muscles was nearly palpable, and he wasn't entirely sure what he planned to do once he got back to the apartment.

He began going over a list in his head of "things-to-do".

Shower. Shave. Change clothes. Stay clean. Wash up. Choke something down. Stay clean. Grab a shirt for Newbie. Stay clean.

Even though he knew the priority was there, he wasn't so sure he'd go through with it once alone in the empty apartment.

Perry walked down the street, hands shoved deep into his pockets. His skin crawled slightly, giving him the distinct impression that either someone was watching him or that he'd fallen into an anthill.

At one point, he jerked his head around to look behind him, but no one was there. The loss of control over his life began to weigh in again as the realization of how close he'd come to losing one of the only things that mattered anymore settled over his mind.

If he had really lost Newbie last night, there'd be no one to tell him he was going to be okay anymore.

It should've been me.

As Perry entered his apartment, it occurred to him just how much he wished it had been.

XXXXXX

The only sounds in Jordan's car were an early-morning talk show and Jack's excited babbling in the backseat.

Jordan leaned her head against her hand, glad she had taken the time to convince Elliot to clean up before they'd left her mother's house. She wasn't faring much better on the hot-scale, but she'd managed to look presentable as well.

The older woman sighed, eyeing Elliot out of the corner of her eye. She wasn't much for-god forbid-getting feelings out of someone, but the coiled anger in the blonde was affecting anyone within a hundred-mile radius.

Jack giggled in back, blowing spit bubbles against his top lip.

"I thought babies were supposed to sleep in cars," Elliot said idly as she twisted in her seat to look at Jack. Jack waved a chubby fist at her.

"Not our boy," Jordan replied, relieved for something to talk about that didn't involve DJ or Perry. "Jack-jack's never been able to sleep in cars for some reason. Perry never has though either."

"I usually knock out like a rock." Elliot stared out the window now as Jack threw a toy at the back of her head. She whirled around and glared at Jordan, who had smirked at that.

"Hey, I didn't teach him to throw things," Jordan said with a shrug. "Three-year-olds do that."

Elliot grumbled, but picked up the toy and handed it back to the toddler. Promptly, Jack threw it again. This time, the sharpness in her head turning had her neck popping.

"Rule of thumb with small children, Princess," Jordan went on as Elliot picked up the toy and handed it to Jack. "When they drop a toy…"

Jack threw it again.

"And you hand it back? That's their favorite game."

Elliot sighed and picked up the toy again, but this time she held it steadfastly in her lap.

"Alright, blondie. Besides me, what's got your panties all twirled up around your waist?"

But Elliot remained tight-lipped. "I'm not sure I can say."

"If you're thinking that this is all somehow Perry's fault, you're probably right. But remember that DJ didn't have to throw his body in front of his favorite boy-toy."

"Well, Dr. Cox didn't have to be there in the first place. JD didn't have to be there in the first place."

"He wasn't letting anyone else help him," Jordan pointed out. "And DJ thinks he can fix anything and anyone."

"But that deranged jerk was after Dr. Cox, not JD!" Elliot snapped, and then tried to calm her voice at Jordan's flicked warning glance to Jack. "And JD's the one paying the price."

"If I know Perry, he's paying himself back for it in spades," Jordan muttered, fingers flexing on the smooth wheel of her car.

"JD should've just let it alone," Elliot finally murmured, the tears threatening against her eyes again. "He should've just let Dr. Cox deal with his own life."

"That's not fair, princess. What if it'd been you?"

Elliot looked at Jordan idly and took it into account. "I wouldn't have wanted anyone there, but I guess I would've been grateful." Elliot sighed grudgingly. "It's still not fair."

"Life has never been fair, princess. Surely you've figured that out by now?" Jordan eased one of her sore legs back. Sitting in plastic hospital chairs had done nothing for her knees. "DJ was going to do something stupid eventually in this whole thing. I have got to admit though that this, by far, was the dumbest thing he could've possibly done to Perry."

"You really think Dr. Cox is taking it that hard? He doesn't even like JD."

"Your astute powers of observation, once again, astound me in their amazing ability to be completely off the point," Jordan replied wryly. "What do you think they've been doing for the past three years? Playing student and teacher?"

"Well, no. I thought they were playing egotistical jerk having fun with his lapdog."

"You really think that?"

"Sometimes."

"You're not half as smart as I thought you were."

Elliot bristled at that. She hadn't studied her ass off for eight years plus to have a botoxed-she-devil telling her she was stupid.

"Fine; what have they been doing then?"

Jordan looked at her tiredly. "You'll figure it out, princess."

Elliot grumbled in her seat and turned to make faces at Jack. "Yes, your mommy is Satan," she said in a giggly, cheerful voice.

Jordan kept her eyes steady on the road and reached over to twist Elliot's side hard.

Elliot yelped and glared at her.

XXXXXXX

Perry hated the mirror. It showed him things he knew he wasn't ready to see or accept. Every time he looked at it, Josh stared back at him with a damning, amused look in his eyes.

"I told you, butterfly, I told you. And now someone's on their deathbed for you, for a bad pet who couldn't obey simple instructions. I don't guess Newbie was worth that much to you in the first place. Was it worth it to hang against a wall for a day? Was it worth it for you to look back at me while poor, innocent Newbie lies in a bed and you're standing here with a needle in your arm?"

Perry ground his teeth as he threw the needle away. His hair was still damp from the shower, and his skin felt raw from where he'd shaved a little too hard. His skin was sensitive where he'd dragged the razor over it again. The new bandages on his back felt itchy against the healing skin.

Pulling the bandage off of his hand, he stared at the crudely drawn butterfly. He ran hot water in the sink and began scrubbing it until the skin was raw and pink.

The wings were still there. Perry scrubbed harder, causing the nearly-healed scabs to break open again.

"And now you're standing here trying to destroy yourself when you've already been broken."

Perry glared at the mirror. "Shut up," he said deliberately in a voice of velvet-lined steel. "You are not real."

The face only stared back at him with amusement and knowledge.

The mirror shattered as Perry slammed his fist into it. He stared at the broken pieces of reflective glass, seeing his own face gazing back at him from the shattered remnants.

Slivers of glass moved as Perry extended his hand, staring at the lines of blood that he had drawn.

"Now that was just stupid, butterfly."

Perry clenched his jaw and began the task of washing his hand off and bandaging it up. Without bothering to clean it up, he carefully walked out of the bathroom.

The lights burned behind his eyes again, but the voices in his head were his own and Josh's. He ignored it as the desolation began building in his system again.

Breakdowns weren't fun, Perry knew that from more than one bad experience. As he pulled a button-up blue shirt on over a white t-shirt, he struggled to ignore the upward-spiraling feelings in his system. He rolled the sleeves up on the shirt, trying his hardest to concentrate on dressing.

His jeans felt loose around his waist, but he ignored that too with a belt looped around his hips. The cold he felt seeped into his bones, but he wasn't shivering.

Pulling on his boots, Perry flexed his fingers carefully. The cuts were superficial at best, though a particularly nasty one ran along his middle-finger knuckle. He tied his shoes and stood carefully.

"You can't ignore me forever, butterfly."

"Watch me."

XXXXXXXX

Feeling worse with every step he took towards the hospital, Perry rubbed at his elbow where the needle jab still felt fresh. Of all the things he could've done for Newbie, he felt this one topped the chart of "selfish bastard" lists everywhere. He imagined in his head the different scenario where Josh hadn't caught them by surprise in the first place.

He could even imagine himself beginning to heal. JD had finally gotten through to him somehow, and for the first time in a while, Perry wanted to try and get better.

Then it had happened. Perry entered the hospital again, muscles still aching from his awkward sleeping position.

Looking in at the sleeping kid, Perry crossed his arms tightly across his chest, nails digging into his ribcage.

JD was still asleep, looking more peaceful then he ever did while awake.

Come on, Newbie. You didn't hang around me for a week just to give up now. You promised. I can't do this by myself.

With a sigh that reached his toes, Perry entered the room and took a seat by JD's bed, dropping his bag on the floor. He leaned resolutely back in the chair to go back to waiting and listening to the steady beep of the heart monitor.

If he looked hard enough, Perry knew that winning this race without JD there was going to make him lose his mind for real. He sighed and leaned his head back with closed eyes. He twined his fingers on his head.

A few moments later, Perry leaned forward and rested his elbows against the bed. "Come on, Britney. I know that somewhere inside that extremely feminine mind of yours, there's a stubborn mule waiting to tell me what an idiot I'm being."

Perry dropped his head into his hands, pressing his fingers into his eyes until he saw pinwheels of light. Without looking up, he continued to speak.

"I mean it, Newbie. That heart monitor's beginning to drive me crazy. You can't sleep forever; I'm going insane here."

"Going?" a hoarse voice asked groggily. "I would've said gone."

Perry's head jerked up and he hit the call button for a doctor. "Damn it, Newbie…how could you do that?"

JD still didn't open his eyes, and coughed in his dry throat. "Jeez…what hit me?"

"Three bullets, you idiot. Why did you do that?"

"That would explain the complete and total lack of feeling in my leg…I think that's probably better than what it'd feel like otherwise."

Perry grabbed the sides of his face. "Open your eyes, damn it."

Slowly, JD's eyes opened and he grimaced at the angry look. "So much for taking a bullet for you. I'd still do it again."

"Why?"

"I would've done it for anyone I really care about," JD slurred out, never taking his clouded eyes from Perry's angry, desperate face. "Especially you."

Perry felt the anger slowly dripping from his frame, and he finally let his forehead fall against JD's.

"I'm not worth that, JD. You could've died."

A politely cleared throat had Perry jumping away. Dr. Imus entered the room, staring at Perry with a vaguely odd note in his eyes.

"Dr. Dorian," Dr. Imus said, flipping over the chart. "How are you feeling?"

"Like a gorilla used me for a trampoline," JD replied, voice dry and rough.

Perry grabbed a cup and filled it with water. He threw a straw into it and lifted it to JD's mouth.

"Slowly," Perry ordered.

JD drank slowly and nodded his appreciation to Perry's direction.

"Dr. Cox…if I could have a moment alone with the patient to discuss his case?" Dr. Imus went on. "I'm sure there are friends of Dr. Dorian's that he would like to be called."

Perry recognized the polite dismissal for what it was, but glared at the temporary attending as he left. Pulling his cell phone from his pocket, Perry recognized the cold dismissal for what it was.

Elliot stepped off the elevator just as Perry was hanging up, Jack settled on her hip.

"Oh look, honey," Jordan breezed cheerily as Perry turned. "I've got a minion." She pointed to Elliot with a thumb.

Elliot muttered something under her breath as she offered Jack to Perry.

Feeling somewhat awkward, Perry took the child and settled him on his hip. "JD woke up."

Elliot's face was immediately pressed to the window as she struggled to read Dr. Imus's lips.

Perry turned to Jordan, shifting Jack on his hip. "You really do pick the oddest people to sleep with."

Jordan shrugged it off. "Just don't beat yourself up too badly. DJ would've jumped in front of you, no matter how much time you had to tell him not to."

JD listened with one ear to Dr. Imus's rambling, but stared past Elliot's anxious face to where Perry stood, talking to Jordan. They both looked slightly stressed, but Jordan's face was amused as she crossed her arms and nodded her head to JD's room with a smirk. Perry narrowed his eyes at her slightly, and pointed a thumb in his general direction.

Jordan laughed at whatever it was, and rolled her eyes.

The scene vaguely disturbed JD. Perhaps he had read Perry wrong in the grand scheme of things. Sighing hard against the pillows, JD paid more attention to Dr. Imus.

"We're pretty sure you'll walk again," Dr. Imus finished up. "I don't have to tell you what the physical therapy's going to be like, I assume."

JD grimaced as the first tingles of pain began to work it's way into his hip and knee.

"No, I don't guess you do."

"Look, I'll do with my time what I want. It's not much your business anymore; you seem to be a little busy with your girlfriend," Jordan replied as she nodded her head towards JD.

Perry's eyes sharpened at her. "You stay out of my personal life, and I won't start calling Barbie over there Satan's mistress." He jerked a thumb at Barbie.

More then a little surprised that she actually cared, Jordan tried to shrug it off. "Whatever. I don't have to deal with it."

"Liar." Perry rubbed a hand over Jack's hair. "Look, I'll be at the hospital all day. I don't know how much Samantha's going to be awake or not."

"Don't worry, Perry," Jordan replied, though she realized what was coming with a sinking feeling in her stomach. As she looked over at Elliot, whose face was still pressed against the glass, it stopped. "I've other things that keep me interested."

Perry snorted as he kissed Jack and handed him to Jordan. "I'm sure."

"Ass out, Perry." Jordan took the child and walked over to Elliot. "You think you're one with the glass yet?"

"Shush, I'm trying to read Dr. Imus's lips."

"I'm sure if you ask, he'll tell you all about it, princess," Jordan replied. "I'm taking Jack home for a while. If you…if you need me or something…you've got my cell." Real eloquent, Sullivan.

Elliot gave her an odd look, pulling her face away from the window. "Likewise, I…think."

As Jordan retreated, Elliot cocked her head to the side. That was weird.

"Don't look too much into Demon-lady, blondie. That's her way of tripping over her own waggling tongue," Perry muttered beside of her.

When Dr. Imus exited the room, Elliot fairly pounced on him as Perry entered JD's room again.

"Well?" Elliot asked impatiently.

"You already know he'll live, Dr. Reid," Dr. Imus replied, not looking up from his next chart.

"How's his injuries though?"

"He was shot three times less then eighteen hours ago, Dr. Reid. What do you think?" Dr. Imus slapped the chart into her hands and bustled off.

Elliot grabbed her other charts from Carla and studied JD's as she headed for coffee.

As she passed the room though, she couldn't help but grin as Perry proceeded to attempt and rip JD a new one.

JD didn't seem to be listening overly much, but Elliot supposed she couldn't blame him.

Tuning Perry out slightly, JD leaned his head into the pillow. The Demerol that Dr. Imus had given him was beginning to kick in already.

How stupid can you be, Dorian? The man has a wife…sort of anyway…and a kid. What part of that didn't you understand?

"Dr. Cox, I'm kind of tired; do you think you could give me a few hours to sleep?" JD said, interrupting Perry mid-rant as his heart twisted painfully into discomfort.

Perry stopped talking, staring at him as he sat back in the chair. JD's disinterested look hurt him somewhere, though he wasn't sure why.

"Yeah, Newbie," he said, hoping the hurt wasn't evident in his voice. "Yeah. Get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

JD yawned. "You don't have to be. You can go home and catch up on sleep too if you want."

The hurt intensified, and Perry shrugged. "It's not like I've got anything else to do."

JD shut his eyes, hoping it looked like he was asleep.

Perry sat still in the chair, wondering what the hell had happened between his time out of the room and when he'd returned.

Sighing, Perry struggled to get comfortable in the chair again as he listened to the comfortable beeping of the heart monitor.

Continues with Chapter 3