My Control

Chapter Eight

The voices woke him the next day. Softly angry voices and accusing words drifted over his hazy mind.

"You can't keep giving him narcotics; I think he's getting hooked."

"Dr. Dorian, you're not in any position to tell us how to handle our patient. He's told us already that the prior drug abuse wasn't substantial enough. Surely you think we know how to deal with this type of patient?""

"Did it occur to you that he might be lying through his teeth? Good god, the man woke up screaming two nights ago!"

"Be that as it may, we still have to release him. There's no reason to keep him here, and the only thing we'll be taking care of is physical therapy. And he may choose to go elsewhere."

"With all due respect, sir, you're an idiot. Anyone can see that he's not alright!"

"It's not up to my staff or I as to when Dr. Cox chooses to leave this hospital, and I highly doubt a first-year-resident has any more bearing over it then I do either."

"God, are you listening to me, Clarissa? He needs more help!"

"Excuse me, Doctor."

Perry felt a small smile tug at his lips. Newbie had nearly sounded like him a moment ago. The smile grew a bit wider. The monkeys pretending to be medical professionals were releasing him.

Finally.

Still feeling the effects from today's narcotic, Perry saw Newbie's doppleganger sitting against the wall again. He didn't look happy, and his mouth was drawn in a thin line of disapproval.

JD entered the room again. "You've got to stay longer; you know that, right?"

"It's not up to you, Newbie." Perry stared at the hallucination. The fake Newbie was a whole lot nicer.

Throwing his hands up in the air, JD let out a sigh of frustration. "You still won't let Jordan come near you; why in God's name do you think you can go home?"

"I won't say it again, Fiona. It's not your choice, and you're not my keeper."

Still frustrated, JD flopped in a chair. "At least let me drive you to your apartment."

"I'm not going anywhere on that flimsy scooter you call a vehicle, Gloria."

"Carla graciously allowed me to borrow her car as long as I have it back in time for them to come home after their shift."

"Can't you just leave it alone, Newbie? What makes you think I'm going to talk to you at all about anything? Looking back on it, it wasn't that bad." Perry hated that his voice cracked in the middle of his statement.

Hallucination-Newbie snorted at that.

The real JD did too. "You're lying your ass off, and we both know it."

"What makes you think you know me any better than the doctors here, Holly? You don't know me at all."

"You're right. I don't." JD picked up a duffel bag from the floor and threw it on the bed. "I brought you some clothes. Jordan gave them to me for when you got discharged."

"I'm touched, Newbie, really. Can't you leave me alone for two minutes? I see enough of you at the hospital."

Wishing he could understand why the man was pushing him away, JD nodded bitingly and left the room so Perry could dress.

He was just buttoning up his shirt when the doctor came in to hand off prescriptions and instructions.

It was reminiscent of his own doctor style. Patch them up, send them out. There wasn't much else.

Perry only half-listened to the instructions and allowed JD to wheel him to the front door. He slid into Carla's car, reclined the seat, and promptly closed his eyes.

"You can't ignore me forever. I've seen what that psycho did to you. And you're gonna crack one of these days."

His stomach clenched, but Perry still said nothing.

"And if I were you, I'd be thinking of what you'll be putting Jack through."

Perry gave him a look at that. "Jack will be fine. I don't need any recovery, and as long as I've got work and Jack, I'll be fine."

"You're wrong, Dr. Cox." JD didn't elaborate as he kept his eyes on the road.

"So says the man who can't go five minutes without drifting off into la-la land."

"Pot calling kettle black." JD's fingers tightened vaguely on the steering wheel. "And since you don't have any concern for what you might be putting Jack through, you should know that Jordan's going to be staying with her mother, and Jack's going with her."

Relieved that Jordan wouldn't be at his apartment, the annoyance came back in full when Perry found out Jack wouldn't be there either.

"And I think it's best," JD went on.

"How do you know, exactly, what's best for my family? Since when do you get to have a say in my personal life, Iris?" He wanted to say something smart about JD being lucky he got to drive Perry home, but both of them knew it was because something about Jordan made him flip.

JD didn't reply, and they made the drive back to Sherman Oaks in silence. He stopped in front of his own apartment building.

"I need to grab something from my room. Can you stay here by yourself for five minutes?"

"No, I'm going to blow my head off with the shotgun I've got hidden in my ass."

JD rolled his eyes. He stepped from the car and disappeared into the tall building.

Perry willed his eyes to stay forward, but found them drifting anyway. He stared at the broken building across the street, swallowing hard. Maybe he should have gone with Newbie.

Except the doppleganger was back and standing in front of the building. Newbie cocked his head to the side and went inside of it.

Knowing already that it was a horrible idea, Perry found his feet taking him to the door of the building. He stared at it, running a hand over the blackened door. He didn't hear any noise; Josh must be out and about.

He frowned at how his gut twisted in sickened anticipation.

"Back already, butterfly?"

The door had opened and Perry jumped back.

"Dr. Cox? Get away from there!" JD yelled from across the street.

The door shut as Perry walked across the street. JD glared at him.

"I don't have to tell you how incredibly stupid that was," JD said sharply.

Perry raised an eyebrow at him and wiped at his nose. "I don't have to tell you how much I don't care then. Now we're even."

JD stared at the house. He could've sworn he'd seen movement, but saw nothing now.

As for Perry, he couldn't decide if it had been a hallucination or not.

XXXXXXXXXX

JD shouldered his duffel bag over his back as Perry fumbled with the key to his apartment. JD had been there a couple of times already; he wasn't sure why he felt so nervous now.

"I know you're not planning on staying, are you?" Perry asked witheringly as he entered the familiar home.

"I'm not going anywhere," JD said through clenched teeth.

"Don't make me have the police haul your scrawny ass out of here, Newbie."

"I'm not leaving," JD said again and dropped the duffel on the floor pointedly.

Perry narrowed his eyes at him.

"I promised Jordan and Carla," JD finally said after a moment.

Somehow, that made it easier for Perry to shrug it off all together. "Suit yourself, but you're out in a week, and that's only if I haven't ripped your tongue out and fed it back it to you in small, grilled pieces."

JD rolled his shoulders. "Fair enough."

Perry said nothing else and entered a room, slamming the door shut behind him and locking it.

JD sighed, ran a hand through his hair, and pulled a fresh pair of scrubs from his duffel. He had to go to work eventually, worry or not.

Kelso was already making noises about when Perry could return to work.

Finding the bathroom, JD entered and wiped a hand over his face. He looked awful; he knew that. Steadfastly, he pulled on a long-sleeved shirt and then his scrub top, followed by the bottoms.

One step at a time, he muttered in his head. Perry would crack eventually.

No one could've come out of it still a whole person.

Recalling his own harrowing experiences, JD looked at the mirror. It was easy enough to remember being kept in a closet for days at a time by insane boyfriend no. 72 who didn't like him around as a kid.

Shaking his head, JD reminded himself he'd dealt with that long ago, and he was over it.

JD clipped his beeper to his scrub bottoms and walked down the hallway a bit further.

"Dr. Cox?" JD called.

"What is it, Kathryn?"

"I…I'm uh…going to the hospital now. I should be back in about thirteen hours or so."

"I know the drill, Newbie. Just go."

Feeling his heart give a warning that he shouldn't be leaving right now, JD turned and forced himself out the door.

Perry heard the front door shut. He breathed a sigh of relief, even though his gut twisted in fear and terror. He stood and walked into the master bathroom.

Carefully, Perry removed the bandages that had been re-dressed that morning. The ugly burn scars were healing, as were the numerous lacerations across his arms.

Two cuts in the shape of a cross had required two stitches a piece. He knocked the cast on his left arm irately. It was already beginning to drive him crazy. Perry had removed the sling for his shoulder, citing that an A.C.E. bandage would do just fine now that it was back into place.

The bandage from his neck was next. The cut was shallow, and nowhere near the carotid artery. Perry snorted that at least he'd gotten a sloppy psycho. The slice across his cheek was already scabbing slightly.

Though he imagined in his head Josh's more…calmer half would've had it go differently.

The bandage on his hand came off next. A pair of crudely drawn wings had been etched into the skin, and the worst of the burns marred it into a twisted design. The word "my" had been carved above it.

Sighing, Perry wished he could scrub it off. That would scar for life.

"Like the rest of what happened won't? You aren't as smart as I thought you were."

Perry whirled around. Newbie sat on the bathtub, the edges of his frame already blurry.

"I'm going to ignore you."

"I'd like to see you try."

Turning away, Perry started working on the bandages around his chest and back. These hurt as they were pulled off, sticking to the still-fresh wounds.

The skin was angry, red, and raised. The cuts and burns were thatched against his skin like a tic-tac-toe board, and the bruises were still evident on the instep of his arm.

Taking a deep breath, Perry turned to survey his back as best he could. Feeling slightly sick, he turned away from the mirror.

The cuts there were mixtures of dried blood, burn blisters, and deep slicing. No wonder it hurt so damn much.

With a sigh, Perry walked out of the bathroom again and reached for the pill bottles. The antibiotic and anti-inflammatory would help with the healing process he hoped.

"That's not smart for you to keep popping pills."

Perry ignored the voice and the bottle of narcotics. He sat down on the bed Indian-style, balancing his elbows on his knees. His head came down to his hands as he struggled to block out Newbie's accusing voice.

"I'm only trying to help you. Who was the one that stayed with you the whole time, huh? You can't even go near your ex-wife, and God knows no one'll trust you with Jack for weeks. I'm the only one still here for you."

"Shut up," Perry whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. "As soon as the drug wears off, you'll be gone."

"Yeah. Right. You don't even really want me gone, and you know it."

Feeling the loss of control now more than ever, Perry felt his throat tighten in warning of tears.

"Look at you. You're pushing everyone away, and what's gonna happen when I finally go away too, huh? It's not like you're letting me help when I'm actually here. And the drugs aren't even out of your blood yet."

That thought wasn't a good one, and Perry clamped his teeth down on his knuckle to keep from screaming.

And before he could stop the movement of his other hand, he had picked up the bottle again and swallowed two of the pills without water. He looked up where Newbie's body had started to fade even more.

But as the drugs went to work, the pain faded and Newbie sharpened. Perry dazedly walked to the window and stared up.

The stars were just beginning to come out. Maybe if he was lucky and very quiet and good, they would sing for him again. Fishing his lighter from his pocket, he began to flip it open and shut methodically.

The burning brought the stars out even more, and they sang brightly.

XXXXXXX

JD drank the coffee slowly even as his system jangled in protest of the caffeine.

The chair in front of him scraped backwards and Jordan sat down with Jack on her lap.

"Hey, DJ. How is he?"

"Quiet," JD replied without taking much offense to her deliberate misuse of his name. "And he wasn't happy about my staying there with him."

"Can you blame him?" Jordan tickled Jack affectionately when he began to bounce in her lap.

JD laughed bitterly. "Then why did you and Carla ask me to stay with him?"

Jordan raised an eyebrow. "You know why we asked. You're the only one he lets near him. You're the only one he's talking to at all."

"If by talking you mean treating me the same way he always did."

"Look, DJ, if anyone's gonna get him through this, it's gonna be you. You saw what happened when I tried to come see him the last time."

At least last time, Perry hadn't started shaking and screaming at the very sight of Jordan. Last time, he had just ignored her and said nothing.

"And if he's going to see his kid anytime soon, someone's gonna have to be with him."

Jack peered at the two adults around him. He slapped his chubby hands onto the table with a grin and felt rewarded when they looked at him.

JD slid a hand forward. "Give me a five, Jack-jack," he said affectionately.

Jack slapped at his hand.

"Ouch, kid's got a good hand," JD muttered.

"My son owns you now," Jordan said with a weak smile. "But anyway, we knew that. I know he's being a jerk right now, DJ, but you're going to be the one he talks to at all. And we both know we can't leave him alone."

JD sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I'm not going anywhere. I promised him I'd stay, but he's not happy about it at all. I believe the ripping out of my tongue was mentioned somewhere."

"That sounds normal enough though," Jordan replied hopefully.

JD looked up. "You know that there's no way he's okay right now."

Jordan sighed at that. "I know, DJ. I know."

Glancing at his watch, JD drained the rest of his coffee and stood. "Look, I gotta get back. Between Perry's patients and mine, I've got zero for time."

"I understand," Jordan replied, frowning thoughtfully at JD's use of her ex-husband's first name.

JD turned and threw the cup away before heading out of the cafeteria.

"I think Aunt Carol's got a crush, Jack-jack," she said with a grin, rubbing her nose into Jack's cheek.

"No duh," Elliot said, sliding into JD's vacated seat.

Jordan covered Jack's ears. "Ass out, Reid. It's between Clumsy-Spice and I, I think."

Elliot shrugged and sipped her own coffee. "I'm only saying what everyone around here already knows. JD's like a little puppy. He did the same thing when he was still chasing after me."

Jordan rolled her eyes and hitched Jack onto her hip. "It's none of your business, Barbie. Make sure DJ doesn't start to crack too though, okay?"

"I have a psychologist friend," Elliot said carefully. "One that Perry knows."

"Don't you dare bring Miss Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows back here. We'll all kill you."

Elliot shrugged. "Alright. It was worth a shot."

Jordan picked up Jack's baby-bag. "I'll tell you one more time, princess." She leaned over so that her face was nearly touching Elliot's at the nose, carefully balancing Jack on her hip. "It's none of your business, and you should stay out of it this time. All I need you to do is look after Perry's little fan out there."

Elliot swallowed at the proximity but nodded. "Fine, fine, whatever. Personal bubble much?"

"Rape whistle much?" Jordan asked, hooking a finger under the chain that Elliot wore around her neck. "Adorable, Barbie, but a whistle is hardly a defense against someone like me." She stood as Jack made a grab for Elliot's hair.

"Ouch, demon-spawn!" Elliot yelped, grabbing at her hair.

Jack giggled and clapped his hands.

"That's my boy," Jordan said affectionately and kissed Jack's cheek. "See ya around, blondie."

Elliot glared after her, clutching the rape whistle protectively in her fist. She drank her coffee and stood to get back to work.

Jordan stopped at Carla's desk on her way out. "DJ says he's still just quiet, and really not happy about him staying there."

Carla shrugged. "I've lived with Bambi before. I don't blame Perry for being unhappy at that, but we can't leave him alone."

"DJ's already seeing if he can't get someone to cover some more of his shift tonight."

"Nervous guy will do it," Carla replied with a shrug. "Take care, Jordan. Bye, Jack-jack!"

Jack waved over his mother's back as they walked onto the elevator.

XXXXXXX

Perry stared out the window. He'd pulled up a chair when his legs had gotten tired.

The stars were crying tears tonight, he thought as they danced sadly in the inky sky. The streetlights supported them from below like an intricate ballet; lifting and falling like waves.

If he thought hard enough, he could remember the last time he'd been to the beach. He could remember feeling the ocean air against his face, the sting of salt in his eyes. He closed his eyes now even as the music grew more intense.

Perry pulled his legs up, leaning his head against the glass. He distantly heard the door open.

Doppleganger-Newbie vanished.

Lifting his head slightly, Perry frowned. Whenever the kid was around, he wanted him gone.

But when he left, some distant part of his mind began to grow afraid all over again as if no one would ever be able to save him again.

"Dr. Cox?" JD called from outside the door.

"It's open, Lillian," Perry called in an attempt to heal if he could.

JD walked in slowly, pushing the door open. He pulled the opposite chair up to him.

"How are you feeling tonight?"

"Shh," Perry said to him. "Listen."

JD bit his lip. The man was high again; that much was obvious. Still, JD indulged him and cocked his head to the side as if listening.

"What am I trying to hear?"

Perry looked at him without removing his head from the window. "You can't hear it?"

JD shook his head.

"That's okay, Newbie. I don't guess anyone else can either." Perry continued to stare out the window.

"We should put the bandages back on, Dr. Cox."

"You never called me that back then, you know," Perry said even as he stood in a resigned fashion. Listening to stars or not, he knew better then to let the wounds breathe for too long.

JD fetched the over-stocked first-aid kit from the bathroom and pulled out surgical gauze and sterile padding.

"I know." JD began to carefully wrap the gauze and padding around Perry's chest and back. When that was done, he went to work on the older man's arms. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm not."

JD finished the job in silence. When he was done, Perry stood and retrieved the pill bottle again to take two more. JD said nothing, but sat down again with him by the window.

"Do you want to talk about it yet?"

"No. I already have to talk to the police tomorrow. They called while you were at work."

"Do you want me to be there?"

Perry didn't answer this time and only stared out the window with hollow eyes that still threatened unshed tears.

JD bit his lip again in concern, but didn't press the matter. He stood. "I'm going to try and get some sleep, Dr. Cox."

"Stay."

The desperation was back, and JD sighed as he sat back down. He didn't know if he could handle emotionally-desperate Cox any better then denial-angry Cox.

Still, he looked at him. "I'm still here."

"Good."

They sat in silence as the sun crept over the city.

Continues with Chapter 9