My Control

Chapter 7

Perry stared at the bathroom mirror. His face was pale and tired, and the bandages stood out against his neck. His hospital gown was itchy and stiff, and his eyes were empty.

"You about done, Dr. Cox?" a nurse asked politely outside the door.

"I'm not gonna kill myself or anything; leave me alone a minute."

"I can't."

Perry sighed and ran cold water over his face. This hospital was driving him insane as far as he was concerned. Between the incompetent doctors and the overly-watchful nurses, Sacred Heart was looking more like heaven by the minute.

He stared hard at the mirror, feeling his insides shake vaguely. He closed his eyes, struggling to remember what the right words were to get out of this place. When he opened them again, Newbie's face was blurred in the mirror.

Whirling around, Perry looked for him, but Newbie was gone. He walked out of the bathroom where the middle-aged nurse waited for him in his room. Newbie was still nowhere to be found.

"Where's uh…the guy that's usually here?" Perry asked carefully.

The nurse opened the curtains in Perry's room. "Oh, he had to leave. He said he'd be back later though."

Perry sat down on the bed. "Did he say when?"

"No," the nurse replied. "Why; are you in pain?"

"Yes." Perry leaned his head back on the pillow. "It's my shoulder; it's killing me."

"Well, let me see if I can get you anything for that." The nurse smiled pleasantly.

About five minutes later, a doctor came in and administered the proper medication.

Slowly and surely as ever, Newbie's blurry face came into focus. He sat against the wall, elbows balanced on his bent knees.

Perry smiled and watched the lights dance above his head.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

JD sighed as he shoved the chart into place. He supposed Kelso couldn't let him have leave forever. He glanced down the hallway as he picked up another chart.

Still four hours to go. Rubbing his face tiredly, JD walked away from the nurse's station.

"How was he doing when you left, Bambi?" Carla asked as she accompanied him to a patient's door.

"About the same," JD said absently as he looked over the chart. "Just…quiet. He won't really talk about anything. With most of the physical wounds taken care of, he's just waiting on a the psychologist to clear him for discharge."

"If he doesn't talk to him, they'll have to let him go," Carla muttered. "Stupid men."

"Hey, what'd I do?" JD asked.

"Bambi, you know when I said men, I wasn't talking about you."

Smiling weakly, JD entered the room. "Hello, Ms. Williams."

It started raining again later.

XXXXXXXXX

Perry stared out the window at the vague darkness. The lights were slowly fading now, the edges of Newbie's face growing fuzzy again. Perry blinked slowly and swallowed.

Drip.

He wondered idly if the kid would be back at all. He supposed as a doctor, Newbie would actually have to go be a doctor.

Drip.

Perry thought about his own job, wondering how long it would be before the shrink finally cleared him to go. They couldn't keep him here forever after all. Not like Josh had tried to do.

Drip.

Whenever he asked, Newbie always changed the subject. Everyone was skirting the topic, and that was because no one wanted to tell him that the police still hadn't found the man.

Drip.

He remembered the room, his hands tied above his head and the water slipping slowly over his head. It had felt good at first. Then it slowly became an insistent splat on his forehead.

Drip.

Perry began counting as he watched Newbie's face blur more. The lights were silent now, and the stars weren't out tonight. Newbie shook his head apologetically as he began fading.

Drip.

The fear began to increase in his stomach all over again and he clutched at the sheets. He knew if he freaked out, they'd only restrain him again. He couldn't do the restraints, not this time.

"You promised you wouldn't leave, Darla," Perry hissed. "You promised."

Newbie only heaved his shoulders and faded completely.

Eyes wide, Perry pushed his body in the mattress. He covered his mouth with his hand to cover up the sound of tears and screams. If the shrink caught him like this, they'd never let him out again. Fear and disgust became monsters within his heart, and he struggled to curb the emotions so he could concentrate.

A knock sounded on the door. Perry jerked so that his back faced it, hoping whoever it was would go away.

"Dr. Cox?" a voice drifted in slowly.

Perry still didn't turn in hopes that whoever it was would think he was sleeping and just leave.

"Sorry, Dr. Cox. I had to pull a double." JD entered the room, letting his backpack slide to the floor. He pulled a chair up to the bed. "How are you feeling tonight?"

Perry still said nothing, wishing the tears would stop. Slowly, his shaking stopped and his stomach quit twisting itself into a pretzel.

"You know you've got to talk to the shrink," JD mumbled behind him. "There's no way you came out of that room whole."

"What do you know about it, Clarabelle?" Perry asked. "You weren't there, and I'm frankly getting tired of everyone hanging all over me like I'm a nut-case."

"Dr. Cox, you've got to talk to the shrink."

"Listen hard, Alice. I don't need to talk to anyone, and just because I had the sad graces to hallucinate you while some jack-off stuck me doesn't mean you and I can just be pals now, alright? I know you must be feeling touched and powerful right now because you get to watch over me, but all it's doing is pissing me off."

"Whatever you say, Dr. Cox," JD replied tiredly as he rubbed his eyes. He was exhausted and he felt like someone had pushed a cotton ball down his throat. Dr. Cox's old attitude problem wasn't helping either.

"You just gonna sit there all night, Newbie?"

"I can leave if that's what you want."

Perry felt his chest tighten at that. "Fine. Do what you want. No one's making you stay here to play at being a nurse, Ethel. You're a doctor. Go act like one." Even as Newbie started to lean over, Perry resisted the urge to grab the kid's wrist and never let go.

"Fine. I'll see you around." JD picked up his backpack. "I didn't just work for eighteen hours, covering your shift and mine, to come back here just so you can pretend that nothing happened to you."

"I'm fine, Newbie." It was a dirty lie, and they both knew it. "It's very sweet and all that you want to sit here and hold my hand, but I don't need you to."

"You're right. You don't." JD shouldered the bag and walked out of the room.

Feeling worse than he had before, Perry leaned his head back and called for a nurse.

A young nurse came in this time, looking weary and pale. "Yes?"

Perry looked at her. "My arm's killing me. Can you give me something?"

The nurse nodded and sent a doctor in to give him pain medication.

Drip.

The rainwater sluiced over the window as Newbie's face appeared beneath it.

"You just kicked me out; now you're hallucinating that I never left. You know you're not okay, and you can't pretend you are forever. Someone's gonna see you crack eventually."

Perry glared at the image. "I'm fine, Newbie."

Drip.

"No you're not. See, now you're just fucked. You know what you're doing to your body by keeping the narcotics in your system."

"I liked you better when you didn't talk." He turned to lie on his back, feeling a mild itch begin under his cast.

"You're just mad because you know I'm right. The only thing you're doing by asking the doctor for pain meds is prolonging your own recovery."

"I don't need any stupid recovery. I'm fine."

Drip.

They both knew he wasn't. Perry glared at the image, who now didn't talk to him at all and only gave him a hard, knowing look.

Perry couldn't decide if he felt crazy or not.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

JD stood outside the hospital, the irritation clear on his face. Carla and Turk had already started for the apartment, which meant he was stuck here until they came back. He sat on the steps and ran his hands over his face again.

The problem with doctors was they knew how to play other doctors. Perry knew as well as anyone that if he didn't talk to the shrinks, they'd have no choice but to release him.

Not sure why he wanted the extra abuse, JD stood resolutely and walked back into the hospital.

When he re-entered Perry's room, the older man was on his side, staring at the wall blankly.

"Dr. Cox?" JD asked determinedly. "Are you still awake?"

"Just leave." Perry stared at the sharp image of Newbie below the window.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"No, you're not." Perry stared at the angry face below the window. Newbie pointed to a spot behind him.

JD gently touched Perry's arm.

Perry jerked and let out a sharp gasp. "What the fuck do you still want?"

JD sighed. "Dr. Cox, I'm not leaving. You need someone here with you."

"Anyone but you."

"Fine; you'd rather I send Jordan in?" JD asked scathingly.

The fear was quick and hot in his stomach. The last time Jordan had come near him, he just hadn't been able to do it. Something about her made the terror seem more real.

"I can be on my own, you know."

"Like hell you can be." JD sat in a chair on the other side of the bed. "And you know by asking them for pain meds, you're only making it worse."

"He didn't dope me up that badly, Newbie," Perry bit out. "I don't want you here; would you leave?" he asked deliberately.

"No, I won't." JD dug his feet into the ground as he prepared himself for whatever abusive rant might come out of Perry's mouth next.

But nothing came, and Perry only closed his eyes warily.

The rain continued to drip against the window, and JD watched Perry carefully.

Drip.

Perry kept his eyes closed tightly, wishing all the same that Newbie would go away. He liked it better when his hallucinations didn't speak. He knew once Newbie left, he'd still be there all the same.

JD sighed, balancing his head against his hands. This wasn't going to be easy. As it was, they would release him in a few days.

And they both knew Perry wouldn't be doing any talking with anyone.

"It's cold in here," Perry mumbled, eyes still squeezed shut. He couldn't look at JD right now. JD's face was too earnest, too open. If he looked too much, it'd spill out.

"I'm sorry," JD sympathized. "I'll see if a nurse will turn up the heat."

With his eyes closed, he could see that burned-up room full of drug addicts and lights. They whispered in his ears, and burned away his hopes and fears until he felt nothing.

"Did they find Josh?"

"No, not yet," JD replied carefully. "They'll get him eventually."

"He's sick," Perry replied, and said nothing more.

JD sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose as he waved down a nurse to turn up the heat in Perry's room.

Perry watched as JD left the room briefly and grabbed the younger doctor's backpack off the floor. He'd seen it once while JD was packing up to go home.

A small lighter sat in the bottom of the front pocket. Perry had frowned at the time and asked him where he got it. JD had shrugged and cited an ex-girlfriend who smoked more then a freight train.

He closed his fingers around it and dropped JD's backpack to the ground. He shoved the lighter into the bedside drawer.

JD entered the room again. "Are you sure you don't want to talk to someone?"

"I'm fine, Julie. I really just need to sleep and get out of here. This place is worse than Sacred Heart on crack."

"There's no way you should be alright."

Perry raised an eyebrow. "Look, Newbie, I don't want to talk about it. But if you insist upon trying to be the nosiest person on the face of God's lovely green earth, then I suggest you do it elsewhere. I've already got doctors cramming advice down my throat, I don't need you telling me what to do too."

"I'm just worried."

"Worry about yourself, Patricia." Perry turned onto his back, deeming the conversation over.

JD sighed. "I'm going to go get a soda. Do you want anything?"

"For you to walk as slowly as possible. Just act like you did your first day; you'll be alright."

Stifling his reply, JD stalked out of the room.

Perry got up and walked into the bathroom. He shut the door behind him and stared at the mirror. The lights in the tiny bathroom brightened at him.

Flicking the lighter, the flame burst to life with a click. He stared at it, giving a glance to the bathroom door again.

Not sure why or even how, he drifted his fingers lazily over the lighter. The burning was there, snapping the mild pain medication from his system.

He jerked his fingers back. It hurt now just as much as it ever did. He pulled his fingers back into the flame, not paying attention as time ticked by.

"Dr. Cox, where are you?"

Perry dropped the lighter in surprise and kicked it behind the toilet. Quickly, he flushed the toilet and ran cool tap water over his singed fingers.

"Be out in a minute. I thought I told you to take your time," Perry replied as he exited the room and sat back down on the bed.

"I was slow about it," JD replied. "I was gone for fifteen minutes."

Perry didn't reply again and just stared at the rain outside. His fingers felt tender through the haze of pain medication, and he stared at the redness over his fingers.

JD pulled out a book to begin reading. Perry wasn't going to talk to him, at least not tonight.

"Do you want me to bring Jack by sometime?" JD asked quietly.

Perry's head rolled to the side. "He shouldn't see his father like this. That'd be a no."

JD shrugged. "He misses you."

"I miss him too, Newbie." Perry shut his eyes.

When he dreamed that night, he dreamed he was in the room again and Josh was holding Jack in one arm and forcing Newbie to his knees with the other.

"There are other things as easily broken as your arm, butterfly."

He woke up screaming, only to have his wrists and ankles restrained.

But when someone blessedly administered round of another pain medication, the lights started dancing in front of his eyes again, and the rain stopped. Newbie stared at him and made no noise.

JD leaned his head down, hands near Perry's. Perry grabbed his fingers tightly and refused to let go.

Continues with Chapter 8