My Control

Chapter 12

(Perry's POV)

My Heroine

I didn't ask the kid to stay. I didn't even know if I wanted him to stay, not when I knew what was about to go down.

You don't drink for most of your natural-born life without knowing what the signs of a newborn addiction is. I already knew what was happening. And some part of me cared on some cosmic level. I just wasn't inclined to do much about it.

Things felt too good. Hell, most of it just went away the first time that I picked up that godforsaken needle again. The power was in my hand right then and there to just make everything stay out of my head.

And it irked me. I knew what a moron I was acting like. God knows I was used to acting like a spectacular jackass that even Denis Leary would be proud of. And it didn't even hurt when the needle went in my arm.

But hitting Josh didn't feel good at all. It felt like kicking a puppy who had just happened to wander the wrong way into the sidewalk, only to get trampled by an angry pedestrian. But then that left my mind too when the drugs really begin to circle in my blood. I sat on the toilet as my heart began to pound.

The lights grew brighter, but I was beginning to get used to that. They always sing for me. I can't stand it when I can't hear them anymore. If I can't hear them, then all I can hear is Josh telling me exactly what I'm getting myself into. Even I know I ought to be thinking about rehab. But you can bet your sweet, bastard-coated ass that I'm not going anywhere near a treatment facility; not for anyone.

I've been down that road before.

But goddamn Newbie. He knows, that little bastard. He knows what's happening, and he's not even trying to stop me. But he's not leaving either.

Jordan left when the drinking became too much. But looking back on it, we weren't happy whether I was drinking or not. Between the fights and the work schedules, we had been falling apart for a long time.

And now just when we're becoming okay again, this happens.

Now, I can't stand her to be near me. I just can't. The last time I was completely out of it with whatever drink of choice was, she wanted to talk about AA meetings.

I threw a lamp at her head.

And that was the end of our marriage. I don't think I've ever forgotten the look on her face that night. She was horrified, but not as much as I was.

And I already knew I was headed down the same road. This time, my liver wasn't at stake (if I haven't lost it already). This time, my sanity was.

And I just didn't care.

I stood up and stared at the mirror. I was already losing weight. I hated that more than anything. Hard as I worked to get my body in shape, and now I didn't care about that either. My face was almost sallow.

The bruises had finally begun to fade from my face.

God, I hit the kid.

And that's terrifying too. He looked hurt that I'd actually hit him. Looking back on it, I don't know why I did it.

I can't let him stay here with me. Something in me is changing, and I know it is. I look in the mirror, and it's not even my face I see anymore. It's not my voice I hear. It's not even my mind doing the thinking.

I can't let Josh come through and hurt Newbie too. Inevitably, if Newbie doesn't leave, that's probably going to happen. And Newbie won't come out of it unscathed.

But then again, I don't think I came out of it whole again either. But there's no putting me back together again, not crazy Cox. And one of these days, it's going to kill that eager, honest smile in him. It is.

And the certainty of that has the sedated state turning to a panicked nausea. I look at my face again. For just a moment, I thought I could hope that the drugs really would make it go away.

Even I know what's going to happen, because just under the calmness of the attitude I've been taking on, is that ugly horror of Joshua Andrews. He's never going to go away, and even as I look in the mirror, his face is appearing over mine. I think he was right in some aspect, in that he was going to haunt me forever.

I wanted to kill him. Hell, I'd settle for being able to hate him. But even as I drag the razor blade over my arm again, I can't.

I still want to kill him, but I can't hate him.

Stars tickling behind my ears are telling me that I can't. They've howled at me, but that was when the pills stopped being enough. I know Josh is going to get out on bail or something equally stupid.

Of course, they might even let him out in hopes that he won't file assault charges on me for breaking his nose.

But God…was it ever satisfying to finally break something on him. And he didn't look broken at all.

I dropped to my knees in the bathroom again, blood dripping on the floor. My skin itched under the cast, and I'm beginning to think it's a side-effect of the drugs.

They say when you don't care anymore, you can't feel.

They're right.

XXXXXXXXXXX

(JD POV)

My Addict

I can't keep worrying about him like this. I don't think my body is physically able to keep worrying about him. I know he's hurting himself, and it's not just with heroine or morphine or whatever toxic waste he's injecting into his arm right now.

I still can't tell him to put down the needle. I can't. I thought about doing it the other night when he was still just popping pills. But when he looked at me, his face looked so desolate and empty that the words were stuck in my throat.

I don't know what horrors he went through. I know what he looked like before they took him to the hospital. I know he's only using the drugs still to make something shut up. I know that I care about him in some weird way that students shouldn't care for their teachers.

But I can't make him stop, and some part of me doesn't even want to try. All I want to do is try and be here for him, because God knows no one else would be able to put up with it.

I had a drug addict friend once. I tried to help her too. With her, it was different. I took her to rehab one night. She signed herself out a week later and went straight back to using.

I watched her waste away, and in a year, she killed herself. I don't regret it. It wasn't my choice for her to shove god knows what into her system.

But now I'm watching Perry do it, and it's all the same. I know his cuts and burns aren't healing, and I don't think he wants them to yet.

He looks so calm all the time. So composed. But I know that just past that sneering smile, there's more torture than laughter. I know that he's suffering. I can't change him.

But for him to move on, he'll have to break the habit on his own. And he'll have to do it for himself. I can't want it for him.

And all the lessons that he's ever taught me about booting patients out, about sending them home with happy pills, and letting them go…

It all makes sense now. I don't think I'm going to be able to help him. But someone's got to be here for him. I know that he's going to get a whole lot worse before he decides that he wants to be better.

What I want to know is what right did he have to take feelings I didn't even know I had with him? Even now, I want to just go and help him through this, tell him how to get over it…but even I can't do that.

If I've thought it or said it once, I've said it a million times. I don't have super powers. If I did, I could snap my fingers and it'd be okay.

But he's not okay. And all of the sudden, I realize I'm not either. Sighing, I rubbed my hands over my face.

I know what he's doing in the bathroom. He thinks he's being clever, I bet. I imagine he thinks he's being really smart about it.

But he can't fool the master. He doesn't have super powers either.

XXXXXXXXX

(Jordan's POV)

My Impossibility

I want to hate them both. DJ for thinking he can save Perry, and Perry for pulling DJ down with him. I don't care how much the kid annoys me; he doesn't deserve what's coming to him.

At least when he did this to me, it was a legal, legitimate problem with alcohol. Now Perry's getting into things that are illegal.

And stupid DJ…that stupid kid thinks he can bring him back. That scrap of a boy pretending to be a man doesn't know what he's in for.

I can't fault him for being stubborn. He's had a crush on poor Perry for years. Perry's a blind man. You'd have to be not to see the admiration and lovesickness in that kid's eyes. It makes me want to puke sometimes, and other times, it just makes me want to laugh at Perry being oblivious to it all.

Then again, if no one else knew it then, they sure as hell know it now. Between that hell of a shiner and his jittery state, DJ's showing it now more then ever. But from Perry's told me about him, that kid thinks he can save anyone. He thinks he can help anyone.

And this problem is so much more serious then just a drinking problem. They'll both be broken by the end, and the only thing I can think of right now is making sure Jack comes out of it unharmed.

I know I can't protect him forever. But I can damn sure try. It doesn't help that DJ's so good with him. And I know that DJ will make sure that Jack's okay, no matter what Perry's up to.

It's easier if I just ignore what Perry's doing to himself. I can't go back down that road again, and I refuse to. I've paid my dues in that area. I was a loving wife. I wasn't the most understanding person in the past, but then again, neither was Perry.

All I can hope for is that DJ knows what he's getting into. Naïve or no, he's got a hell of a fight on his hands.

I know that the sick fuck that did this to Perry is getting out on bail tomorrow. I don't think either of them knows yet, and I sure as hell don't want to be the one to tell them. Although…I think I would've paid to see Perry cracking that bastard's nose in two. But the guy had it coming.

And now he's out again. I've already taken Jack to my mother's. It might be Perry's battle, but I wouldn't put it past the guy to come after people who mean a lot to Perry.

I'm not going to help him this time. I don't think I can. I know DJ might not be able to pull Perry back either.

But I'm not blind. JD is the only one who can help him this time.

XXXXXXXX

(Third-person omniscient)

My Breakdown

Perry watched the stars, listening carefully to them. They were trying to tell him a secret, he knew they were. But their words were garbled and slurred together now. In answer, the city lights burned furiously. They were angry tonight.

Frowning, Perry turned from the window. Newbie had left him alone now for about an hour. He wondered if the kid would bother to check in on him or not.

He could hear Newbie's voice talking quietly…probably on the phone. Perry walked down the hallway carefully. The lights were growing louder in their rage, and the stars had begun to howl sadly.

"I'll tell him. Yeah. Thanks, Jordan." JD hung up the phone with a sigh.

"What'd Satan want?" Perry asked.

JD jumped and looked at Perry with a tired smile. "Nothing really. You think you can choke down some food?"

Perry frowned at the blatant lie, but decided to say nothing. "I'm not hungry, Amanda."

"You've got to eat," JD said wearily, already tired of this argument.

"I want to take a walk."

"Mind if I join you then?"

Perry snorted. "And let everyone know there's a new gay couple in town? Hell no."

"You're not going alone."

"It's not open for discussion, Newbie."

JD stubbornly grabbed his jacket. "Let's go if we're going."

Pushing back a snarl and a punch, Perry grabbed a coat as well.

The fresh air sometimes did wonders. Tonight, it only made his lungs hurt. Perry sighed as his heart pounded and the wind scraped against his face.

Outside, the lights were louder and the stars were fading behind his eyes. Newbie was quiet tonight too.

They walked in silence on the sidewalk.

"Carla's worried about you," JD suddenly said. "I know you already know that, but she'd appreciate it if you'd give her a call sometime to let her know you're not dead. Jack wants to see you again soon. Dr. Kelso's put you on an extended leave, and Janitor fell off his ladder and sprained his wrist."

Perry snorted at that. "It's about time he got what was coming to him."

JD shrugged.

They turned into the downtown park and sat down on a bench. JD shoved his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie, and Perry crossed his arms in silence and leaned his head back.

Clouds were rolling in slowly, and JD saw a flash of lightening in the distance. "Looks like rain," JD mentioned quietly.

Perry didn't answer.

They sat in silence as the clouds eventually rolled in and thunder began rumbling in earnest. JD grew increasingly nervous at the building storm.

The first patter of rain landed square on Perry's forehead. He flinched at it and ground his teeth together. When another landed on his head, he bit his lip.

JD watched him carefully. "Are you okay?"

"Chinese Water Torture," Perry said after a moment of thought. "In the ancient times, the Chinese used to restrain people to tables and let ice water drip on their heads until they cracked."

JD grimaced. "That sounds…fun."

"Heh." Perry felt the water droplets falling over his face. "Sounds a lot worse than it is."

The water hit Perry's face harder and faster, and his blood pumped hard in his veins. He clenched his fists in his pockets, digging his nails into his palms. Rain soaked his face.

JD felt the water seeping through the thick cotton of his hoodie. "Maybe we should head back?"

"No." Perry leaned his head forward. Josh's voice was back.

"You know I'm coming for you, butterfly. They won't keep me away for long."

"They let him out, didn't they?" Perry asked numbly.

JD stiffened. "Yeah. They did."

Perry nodded quietly and tipped his face forward. For a few minutes, he could convince himself that it was the rain making his face wet and salty.

JD carefully put a hand on Perry's back. "I'm…uh…sorry."

Perry jerked at the hand on his back and stood. He couldn't stay still. If he sat still, the fear came back.

"He won't come after you," JD tried.

Perry still didn't reply, pacing back and forth in the wet grass. The cuffs of his pants became wet, and he could feel the dampness against the backs of his legs.

"Sitting all alone in that room again, aren't you? The floor was wet there too."

The water began to seep into his shoes, and his socks started to squish beneath the arch of his feet.

"Perry?" JD asked.

Perry still said nothing. He ran his hands through his wet mop of hair. "Just shut up, shut up, shut up," he snarled in a whisper.

Josh was out.

The rain started sliding down his back. Thunder cracked sharply above his head, but still the voice was there, taunting like a black cobra in the darkness of the room.

The floor was hard, and smelled awful…his back was wet, and it became a choice of leaning against the wall for comfort or letting the sweat roll into the wounds…

JD stood and tapped Perry on the shoulder.

And what they both knew had been coming for weeks happened. Perry whirled around with a wild, desperate look on his face.

Don't give up; don't give up. I promise I won't give up on you if you promise not to either.

JD stared at him, eyes pleading with him to let him help.

Something inside of his chest snapped; Perry swore he could hear it. He fell to his knees, hands covering his face and something building inside of his stomach.

JD kneeled beside of him and grabbed a hold of the older man's face. "Perry, look at me."

Perry raised his face slowly. He couldn't blame the rain anymore for the tears that had begun to run uncontrollably from his eyes. He stared hard into JD's eyes, which had gone dark with concern and something deeper that neither wanted to think about too closely.

"Remember. You promised." JD slid his hands over Perry's cheeks, keeping the man's face locked onto his gaze.

Perry couldn't tear his face away if he wanted. Newbie's face was earnest and intense, struggling to try and pull him back from some kind of hell of his own making.

And then he began to sob. His body convulsed wretchedly under JD's hands, and his arms came around the younger doctor before he could stop them.

JD stiffened slightly in surprise, but he let his arms drift over Perry's shoulders. "It's okay. It's over."

"It's never over," he whispered brokenly. "It's never over."

JD said nothing else to that, and held him as the rain poured over them both. Perry's body shook horribly in his arms. When the tears ran out, the older man's sobs had turned into empty, hacking coughs as the sadness wouldn't stop.

"It just won't quit," he murmured hoarsely in a voice that JD wouldn't forget easily. "You won't quit, but he won't either."

Still feeling a little awkward, JD raised one hand to cover Perry's hair. "You'll be okay."

"I'm never going to be alright, JD."

JD's heart twisted horribly in his chest as he finally recognized the odd, on and off feelings he hadn't been able to pinpoint. He hugged the man harder and buried his face into Perry's neck.

The rain poured harder, but neither man saw the need to move.

"You've finally cracked, butterfly."

And Perry cried harder into JD's slender chest, clutching at the younger man's hoodie like a lifeline.

Before he could stop the words, they escaped his mouth. "I can't do this anymore."

JD only nodded and didn't let go.

Unspoken, the words were still there in Perry's mind, lodged deep within the memories of those awful days spent under the control of a sociopathic junkie.

Don't give up. I won't if you don't.

Continues with Chapter 13