My Control

Chapter 11

Perry woke slowly. He had always been slow to actually become alert in the morning, coffee or no, and today was no exception.

Today was still different. Today, he had a plan. Swinging his legs off the bed, he grabbed the assorted pill bottles on the nightstand and began taking them methodically. The bandages on his arms and chest felt sticky.

Grumbling at that, he got up and walked into the bathroom to begin to the process of pulling them off. The welts and burns were slowly healing under other wounds that hadn't been there before.

Perry stared at them for a moment, and ran a finger over one. The skin under his cast itched and he rapped on it in hopes that the vibrations would make the itching stop.

Showering wasn't painful, not to him. By the time he'd decided to take one, the narcotic had kicked in.

Humming to himself as the water washed over the wounds, he thought idly about what he was going to do.

Even Perry knew that he couldn't keep slicing his skin open and hope that no one noticed. Eventually, JD would have to notice that his arms weren't healing themselves.

He ran soap over his body with a frown. JD had promised to work a full shift today, but JD had a problem of going back on that promise.

They had been quiet with each other the past few days, and Perry was fine with that. He imagined Newbie was stewing in his own juices.

Perry stepped out of the shower, looping a towel loosely around his waist. He opened the door to the bathroom and sat on the bed as he continued to think.

"Going to beg for it, are you, butterfly?"

The true idiocy kicked in for him. He debated not going along with it. He debated making the narcotics last as long as possible, and then deal with the after-effects. He even thought about ways around it at the hospital.

A knock interrupted his thoughts. "Dr. Cox? Do you want some coffee?"

"Bring it in, Victoria." Perry had forced himself to be at ease around JD as much as possible. His intentions depended on it.

JD entered the room with a hot mug in his hands. His ears turned faintly pink at Perry's state of undress.

Perry nearly found it endearing. He would have, if Josh wasn't still whispering in his ear.

"You've a pet of your own, I see. Not broken yet. But we'll fix that."

"Like hell we will. He's not yours."

JD handed the mug off and scooted fairly quickly out of the room. Perry sighed and started on his first cup.

Breathing slightly harder than usual, JD cursed himself an idiot and picked up his backpack. Not wanting to risk embarrassing Perry further, he stopped outside of the door.

"I'm…uh…going to the hospital now."

"I know the drill, Newbie. Go."

JD struggled to ignore the feeling in his chest that told him something about today just wasn't right.

XXXXXXXXX

Even as he worked his shift at the hospital, JD couldn't shake the feeling. It grew heavier throughout the day, and progressed to a mild headache and a disappointing lack of appetite that bordered upon being nausea.

Then again, JD hadn't been eating much lately anyway. He sat in the cafeteria with Carla, Turk, and Elliot now, picking at the soggy-looking French fries.

"JD, what is up with you today?" Elliot asked, twirling her fork around a piece of salad. "You've hardly said two words."

JD shrugged. "I don't know. Something's just not feeling up to speed today. Must be a patient."

Over the past few days, JD had noticed an uncomfortable silence from his friends. They all seemed to be studiously avoiding any inquiries about Dr. Cox. JD wondered if it was because the situation was frightening, or if it was because they were made at him for the rather wonderful-looking shiner on JD's right eye.

It was just as well that they didn't ask, as JD had very little to report. The man hadn't said two words to him since that night in his bedroom. JD rubbed his eye warily.

"Bambi, what's wrong?" Carla tried again.

JD jumped at the sound of her voice. "Nothing, really. I'm just not doing so good today."

Carla launched into mother-mode, pressing a hand against his forehead and asking about his diet. Turk pushed her hand away.

"Leave him alone, woman," Turk said. "You'll make him sick just doing that."

JD struggled to pinpoint exactly what was bothering him as he worked from patient to patient. Near the end of his shift, he debated between trying to eat something and going outside to get some fresh air that didn't taste like rubbing alcohol or lysol.

Deciding to do both, JD grabbed an apple from the cafeteria and went to the roof. The apple was slightly softer then usual, but he continued to force it down.

JD leaned on the ledge of the building, staring at the sky. He wondered how long it would be before he had to force Perry into some kind of rehab, or if he'd be able to at all.

He sighed and stared at the ground. The apple slipped from his fingers.

Josh waved at him from the ground with a calm grin on his face. Then he turned and started walking.

JD rushed from the roof of the hospital and down to the ground floor as he fumbled for his cell phone. He looked around the parking lot hopefully, but the man had vanished.

He glanced at his watch hopefully, and had Elliot punch his time card. JD caught his scooter keys from where Turk tossed them down, and left the lot as soon as he could.

XXXXXXXXX

As soon as JD had left that morning, Perry continued his usual morning routine. He shaved and began pulling clothes on methodically, topping it off with a baseball cap to shield his face and Newbie's extra backpack.

In the grand scheme of things, Perry thought he ought to have more steps in his intentions. But when it came down to it, it was simple.

Walking to JD's apartment building had been refreshing. The stop at the bank on the way had been almost normalizing. He leaned against the steps outside of the building for a very long time as he stared at the charred shell across the street.

Perry knew no one was there at the moment. If there were, he knew he didn't want to deal with Josh until he was damn good and ready.

Still, before he knew it, the lights were turning on down the street, and the sky was fading to it's inky shade of blue night.

By that time, the narcotic was slowly leaving his system. Perry felt his stomach clench as Josh walked back to the house, his gait casual and confident.

What kind of idiot do you have to be to return to the scene of the crime? Perry thought to himself with a frown.

Seeing Josh in the flesh and real felt no different, he realized, then seeing the man in the mirror or sitting in his room as a hallucination.

He felt nauseous and shaky, though it was hard to tell if it was because the drugs were leaving his bloodstream or if it was because of the other man. Perry took a deep breath, realizing his chest felt too tight and his throat had a lump in it. His eyes stung, and he could feel the cable ties around his wrists again.

Still resolute in what he was about to do, Perry walked across the street with his hands shoved into his pocket and his head bent down.

Just as JD rounded the corner on the scooter, Perry disappeared inside the house.

JD ran to the door just in time to hear the lock click shut.

XXXXXXXXX

"Back so soon, butterfly? I've half a mind to just kill you. I had to find somewhere else to live until the cops left my house alone."

Perry snorted and looked around the room. "You call this a house, do you?"

Josh waved his fingers. "Back for more then?"

"You'd never take me when I'm sober, Josh." Perry struggled to keep his mind focused and eyes away from Josh's black bag.

This time, Josh gave a sound of derision. "And why should I do anything for you? You've been very bad. I've lost half my clients because of you."

"Don't you think that it might somehow be your fault for doing what you did in the first place?"

Josh cocked his head to the side. "Not really, no," he said with a vague note of surprise in his voice. "How are your burns and cuts, butterfly?"

Perry stiffened slightly at that. There was no way Josh could know about the new wounds.

Josh stared at him impassively, smile firmly in place. "So what it is you want?"

"I really have to ask, Jennifer?"

"Now that's not nice," Josh replied as he stood. His hands moved fluidly as he spoke. "I've never called you by a girl's name, but that seems to be a habit for you and the men in your life."

"Leave Newbie out of this." As if to accentuate his words, a pounding began on the other side of the door, and JD's voice began shouting.

"So that was who took you away from me," Josh said, and there was a blanket of angry steel beneath the velvet tones of his voice.

"Leave him out of it," Perry said again through clenched teeth.

"You know how really stupid it was of you to come back here, right?" Josh asked. "Company will be here any minute now."

"And I'm sober. I can think of five different reasons why six crackheads can't take me down right now."

"Give it time, butterfly. Give it time."

Perry flinched at the nickname every time he used it. The fact didn't go unknown on Josh, who seemed to grin more.

Pulling a wad of crumbled cash from his pocket, he threw it at Josh's feet and stared at the man.

Josh clicked his tongue. "You know you're only hurting yourself." He picked up his bag.

With a self-deprecating look on his face, Perry laughed harshly. It sounded grating to his ears.

"Yeah. I know." He looked down at the man who had turned his life upside down in a matter of minutes. A grin that no one would have recognized flashed over Perry's face. "But then again, you seem to have a penchant for it."

Josh looked up to reply, but it turned into a grunt as Perry's elbow smashed square into his nose.

Perry picked up the bag and glared down at the unconscious man. "Don't mess with the big boys. We don't play nice." He transferred the items from Josh's messenger bag to the backpack he had brought with him. He scooped up what money he'd tossed down (which had only been a wadded bundle of ones). "But I trust you'll remember that the next time."

The door finally shoved open and Perry turned around calmly to look at JD's pallid face.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" JD snapped.

"What's it look like, Zelda? You gonna call the cops or should I?"

XXXXXXXX

"You're going to be lucky if he doesn't file for assault," Lieutenant Renicki muttered as he cuffed the rousing man.

Josh eyed Perry blearily as blood streamed from his nose. "Didn't know you had it in you, butterfly."

"Shut up," Renicki snapped, and shoved the man into the car.

JD stood by, face angry and frustrated.

Perry gave his statement to a nearby officer and turned back to JD. "We going home then?"

JD pinched the bridge of his nose. "That was incredibly stupid, Dr. Cox."

"Hey, you've been pretty stupid before too and plenty of those times, I never said anything."

The heavy feeling in JD's chest forced itself back into full swing. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing; why? Something wrong with you?" Perry replied with a raised eyebrow.

JD sighed and turned on his scooter. "You coming?"

"I'll walk, thanks."

"I'm moving back in with Carla and Turk tonight," JD said after a moment. "It's becoming very obvious that you don't want any help."

"Finally caught on, have you, Newbie?"

Maybe it was the way Perry's voice cracked at the end. It might have even been the way Perry had been in a deadly calm state since JD had tried to hug him.

It may have even just been that though Perry's face was perfectly composed, his eyes were desperate.

"And that's why I'm staying," JD muttered. "I'll see you at the apartment." He flipped the scooter on and drove away.

Perry raised an eyebrow, though a part of his stomach dropped in relief. He still wasn't sure if he should appreciate that JD wanted to stay or not. He walked slowly back, the knapsack heavy on his shoulder.

JD wasn't going anywhere, that much had become clear. And while Perry wasn't sure why that made some distant part of him breathe easier, he wasn't sure he liked it overly much either.

When he entered the apartment, the living room was empty. Perry frowned and peered into the kitchen. Still no JD.

"Newbie?" he called.

"In your bedroom, Dr. Cox."

Perry frowned and dropped the backpack off in the linen closet. He opened his bedroom door.

Sure enough, JD was sitting on the bed. "We're going to talk."

"Talk all you like, I'm not obligated to listen."

"That's your prerogative," JD replied with a shrug. "Why did you go over there today?"

Perry snorted. "I should think by the man lying on the floor with the concussion, that much would be obvious."

"That's not why you went. If that had been the reason, I wouldn't have been banging on the door for fifteen minutes."

"So I yelled at him; is that a crime?"

"Trading out one drug for another is pretty easy, is it?" JD asked carefully. "No one else has the guts to call you on it but me."

"Everyone else has half a brain."

"Sit down."

"I'd rather not," Perry replied and remained standing.

"We've been through this," JD replied wearily. "You'll sit eventually. Why don't you just get it over with?"

Perry sighed. The kid wasn't budging this time. He sat on the bed beside of him.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to take care of this problem. There's no way you can work like this."

"I think I know my own body better then you." Perry crossed his arms over his chest. "Have you watched me work?"

"I've watched you work when you're off your rocker drunk."

"I bet you think you believe that too," Perry replied, rubbing his face tiredly.

JD sighed and decided to lay it all out. Now he stood and paced the room. "Listen, Perry…I really care about you somehow. I don't want to sit back and watch you throw your life away."

"Then don't sit and watch it."

"I can't leave you alone to do it either."

The conversation had begun to take a decidedly personal turn, if not confrontational.

"Sounds like you're the one with the choice, then, Newbie." Perry looked at him, fists tensing.

"There's not much of a choice when it comes down to it," JD said as he rolled his shoulders. "The way I see it, everyone else in your life just lets you destroy what semblance of a life you have. Now you've at least got Jack to fight for, and someone's got to be here to make you do it. Everyone else has left you alone, everyone else has stood by and let you try and self-destruct."

Perry's throat tightened uncomfortably, and his eyes began to sting. His stomach twisted, and he told himself it was drug withdrawal that made his heart hurt.

"Make your point, Newbie."

JD looked at him. "I'm not everyone else. You've taught me all the important things I needed to know about being a doctor. I wouldn't have made it if it hadn't been for you. Consider it that I'm only trying to repay the favor."

"You don't owe me shit, Newbie."

"Maybe not. But you're only waiting for me to give up on you because it's what you expect." He glared hard at the other man. "I'm not going to give up if you promise not to give up either."

Memories rained through his mind all over again. The dank room, the drugs, the pain…

But Newbie's earnest face begging him not to give up.

Perry stared at him without saying anything.

JD shrugged. "I guess it's something you need to think about. But that's what I wanted to say." He kicked at the carpet uncomfortably. "I know you don't like me very much, and I'm the last person you want for help with this. But I'm the only one who's willing to put up with it. The way I see it, you can either let me help you or you can let yourself waste away."

Perry swallowed against the hard lump behind his tongue.

"I don't know why I'm willing to put up with it," JD went on honestly. "But I am. I don't even know how I can care so much about someone who thinks so little of me. But I'm running an extra 5, 280 feet for you. If I can shave my head, I can do this."

JD felt his heart twist at the empty look in Perry's eyes. He supposed he preferred the crazy, angry look to the hollowness.

"I'm going to watch TV. I'm staying, no matter what decision you make," the younger doctor finished. He turned and walked out of the room.

The desperate part of himself that wanted to get better tried to shout for JD to stop.

Perry sat still on the bed though. When he heard the familiar rumblings of the TV, he stood and retrieved the backpack from the closet and locked himself in the bathroom.

He leaned his head against the bathroom door. Either way, Newbie wasn't leaving. Somehow, it made recovery matter less.

And he thought that even as he pulled a needle from the freezer bag in his knapsack.

Continues with Chapter 12