My Control

Chapter 10

Perry walked into the apartment quietly in case Jack had finally tired himself out.

It turned out to be the case. JD had pulled a blanket out to spread across the floor, and both lay sprawled across it wildly. JD lay on his side, with one hand on Jack's stomach to keep him from rolling too much. His mouth was slightly open, and Perry didn't envy the lecture they'd receive for letting JD and Jack drool all over the blanket.

Letting them sleep for the moment, Perry walked into the master bathroom again and locked the door behind him. He rasped out a few breaths, anticipation clawing at him.

Burning himself had been painfully easy. It was simple. Light a fire, run fingers over it, keep them there, watch the blisters rise, run cool water when done.

Perry stared at his pale face in the mirror. He slipped his jacket off. His arm was itching beneath the cast again. His eyes looked empty and hollow. He leaned his forehead against the cool mirror, willing the shakiness to leave his body.

"It's not so simple on the other side of the mirror, is it, butterfly?"

Perry's head jerked up at the even tone and jumped back when Josh's face greeted him in the mirror and not his own. He closed his eyes, scrubbed at them mercilessly until they watered, and looked again.

A stricken face of fear stared back. Perry left the bathroom and sat on the bed, willing the bottle of narcotics to go away. They didn't.

"You'll beg for the needle before too long. You don't think I can see it?"

"Shut up," Perry whispered and struggled to keep his body from rocking forward and back.

And the pill bottle was back in his hand before he could decide to do otherwise again.

JD woke to the sound of the doorbell again. Rubbing at his eyes, he wondered if Perry had come home yet. Carefully moving so he didn't wake Jack, JD stood and opened the door.

Jordan eyed him. "How'd it go?"

JD sighed and ran a hand through his hair (wincing at the sensitivity, as Jack had found a new toy).

"Perry bailed about half an hour in," JD finally admitted. "He went for a walk."

"Is he back yet?" Jordan asked, the disapproval evident on her face. "You shouldn't have let him go alone."

"I think if I'd tried to stop him, I'd come out looking worse than he does now."

Jordan entered the room and stroked Jack's cheek. "How'd Jack do?"

"Jack was good. Does he always like to try and rip people's hair out by the roots?"

"Just yours, DJ."

"I'm guessing one of you taught him that," JD muttered and went to check in the master bedroom of the apartment. He cracked the door open quietly. "Perry? You back?"

"Go away, Newbie."

"Jordan's here to get Jack. Do you want to come and say good bye?"

Perry turned wild eyes to the door, his fists clutched at his knees. "Would you give him a hug and tell him I love him?"

JD sighed. "You should do that yourself; you're his father."

"I'm not asking much, Martha. And I haven't asked much since you took it upon yourself to move in."

"Fine, I'll be back in a minute." JD sighed and closed the door.

Perry opened his fist. One of the blades had streaked a shallow cut along his palm. As a doctor, blood was nothing new to him.

He stroked a finger over the new cut, wincing at the slight pain his salty hand caused. Perry stood and walked into the bathroom to wash it and re-bandage the already burned hand.

JD walked back into the living room where Jordan had begun to pack Jack's toys.

"Is he alright?" Jordan asked stiffly.

"I think he's doing as can be expected," JD replied, thanking the doctor gods high above him that he had finally learned how to answer a question about a patient without answering it at all.

Jordan saw through it, but said nothing. "Help me with his toys."

JD nodded and kneeled on the floor with her.

"I thought it'd be like it was when he drank too much to stand up straight," Jordan went on evenly. Her tone didn't falter, and her face never changed as she methodically picked up toys.

"He chose to do that."

"Even then, I wouldn't go near him when he was like that." Jordan gestured to Jack.

JD scooped up the sleeping toddler. "I don't blame you. I had to be near him; I was his student."

"Look, DJ, for whatever reason, he's attached himself to you. He walked out on his own kid today. You have got to find out what's wrong with him."

"I'm trying," JD muttered. He'd received a similar speech from both Carla and Elliot.

"You're not trying hard enough." Jordan sighed as she folded the blanket. "You've got to do what you can."

"Since when did I get super powers, Jordan?" JD asked irritably. "I'm doing the best I can with him."

"He can't go back to work like this. You know he's already trying to go back."

JD didn't reply at that. He felt like Perry was trying to go back alright. But the hospital was the least of JD's worries at this point.

"I know," JD finally decided on saying. Jack had begun to stir by that point and turned sleepy eyes to his mother. JD gave him a quick hug, slightly uncomfortable with anything else as he handed Jack off to Jordan.

Jack yawned. "Love you, An' Cawol."

"Your daddy loves you," JD finally decided and rubbed a hand over Jack's head.

Jordan narrowed her eyes sharply. "Tell him you love him, you pansy."

JD cleared his throat in discomfort and gave Jack a quick peck on the cheek. "Love you too, Jack-jack."

Jordan nodded her thanks, deciding anything else would emotionally overload the delicate flower.

"Thanks again, JD. You'll call if something changes?"

"Of course I will."

Jordan nodded and headed for the door. JD opened it for her and waved to them both as they left.

With a sigh, JD walked back into the kitchen. Perry's notebook was sitting on the table.

Perry stood in the bathroom and stared at Josh's face in the mirror. He wanted to scream, but couldn't. Something in him was ready to burst, and he still wasn't sure what it was.

If he let himself, he could remember lying in that cold, burned out room. He could remember Josh's voice and hands sliding over his mind and body like a gradual freezing of the earth. He could sometimes still feel the plastic ties over his wrists and ankles.

Worst of all was the sick fear that ran through his veins like ice and fire. He held the sides of the sink tightly, knuckles going white at his grip.

The narcotic was already kicking in. Perry already knew that it wouldn't be enough. He stared hard at the mirror, struggling to summon up a speech that would make him stop feeling like this.

But Josh's face still stared back at him amusingly, as if watching a small child trying to work out a math problem.

Come on, Perry, you waste of space in the spit of humanity…you've got to snap out of this. So some psycho beat you up and hurt you. Get over yourself and what happened. You can do this. Newbie believes you can. He wants to help; let him help you.

But the thought of JD seeing him broken and desperate made the terror spread faster. He looked at the mirror again, willing the wiry face and oddly-lit green eyes to go away.

Taking deep breaths to try and calm himself down, Perry felt his heart slow down. His breathing grew less haphazard and more even.

For a split-second, he was sure that Josh's face had finally disappeared from the mirror. For a moment, he could remember lying in the grimy floor stained with urine and vomit, hoping desperately that Newbie's face wouldn't go away.

Don't give up.

XXXXXXXXX

JD looked at the notebook for a long time. He'd always heard that writing was good therapy. He touched the plastic top lightly, and then moved it away. It wasn't his place, not yet.

If he wanted Perry to trust him at all, he'd have to respect the man's privacy for now.

He glanced down the hallway, becoming worried when Perry didn't exit the bedroom. Taking a deep breath and preparing himself for whatever the man might throw at him, JD entered the master bedroom and knocked on the bathroom door.

"Dr. Cox? Are you okay in there?"

Perry heard the voice dimly. It was almost drowned out by the other voice ringing in his head. He sighed and opened the door in an attempt to take the first step.

Josh's face flashed over JD's briefly. Perry gritted his teeth.

It's just a hallucination. I think you're familiar enough with those by now, Perry old boy.

JD looked at Perry's pale face. "Let's sit down."

"I don't want to sit, Carol."

"You need to."

"I'm a doctor; I think I know what I need."

Pushing the anger away that Perry damn well didn't know what was good for him, JD shrugged and sat on the bed.

"I'm not leaving until you sit down."

"Suit yourself." Perry walked over to the window and stared at the city lights. They were just beginning to come down. He propped an arm against the window, leaning his forehead against it.

"Where did you go?"

"I talked to the police." Perry watched the sun slowly settling behind the trees.

"How'd that go?" JD stood carefully and neared the other doctor slowly.

Perry shrugged as he sensed JD cautiously approaching him. "I told them what happened."

"Have you thought about talking to a real therapist yet?"

"I don't need a shrink. I've spent the last five years of my life talking to two of them to get my life back on track somehow; I don't need to waste five more."

JD shrugged. "Special circumstances, Dr. Cox."

As the drugs circled his system, Perry finally gave in and sat down on the bed. JD carefully sat down beside of him.

They didn't speak again for a while. The sun had gone down and the stars had come out by the time JD spoke again.

"You're not okay, are you." It wasn't a question.

"No. I'm not." Perry stared out the window. "But I've never been okay."

"You know you can talk to me about this, right?"

"I don't want to talk about it, Newbie." His words held little rancor, and he lay back on the bed.

"If you don't talk about it, all it's going to do is build up until it bursts."

"Who died and made you a head-doctor? Tell me you haven't been talking to Little Miss Happy Day and taking pages out of her Mr. Rogers handbook?"

JD had, but he shook his head no. "Of course not."

"You've never been a good liar."

The younger doctor snorted at that. "Like you ever have been."

"I'm a hell of a lot better at it then you are." Perry stood restlessly again and paced.

"Pacing Perry, are you now? Just when I thought your wings really were gone. You flew away from me, butterfly. That wasn't very nice."

Perry resisted the urge to yell at that calm voice as JD stood himself.

"I'm going to have to really hurt you now. I'll still be here, every time you take a pill or when you finally come back to me begging for the needle all over again, I'll be here. I'll be there, haunting your dreams, talking to you in your sleep, and cutting your wings away every time they have a chance to grow back. And you know it."

He bit his lip hard, tasting blood.

"Perry, are you okay?" JD asked carefully, watching as the other man seemed to grow anxious.

"Would you just leave me alone? Don't you think I've given you enough happy-happy joy-joy feelings tonight?"

JD sighed. "I can't leave you alone like this. You're high."

It was the first time anyone had ever come out and said it to him, and Perry felt anger surging through him almost immediately.

"Like hell you can't leave me alone. Since when you did you get wiser then me, Obi? Get out of my room. I can handle this without the gay patrol trying to help me out here."

"You can't do this on your own."

"Get out of here, Newbie." The anger radiating off of Perry was almost palpable.

JD grabbed Perry's shoulders. In hindsight, JD remembered thinking that was his first mistake.

The second was not dodging Perry's brick of a fist as it slammed into the side of his face.

JD went down like a rock. "Ouch…" He faded into unconsciousness.

"Bravo, butterfly. Hurting the one person you'll let near you besides me now? That's inspired!"

Perry slammed the bathroom door shut behind him and locked it. The rational part of his brain began to berate him again.

Shaky hands drew the razor blade from the medicine cabinet. Perry jerked off his shirt, staring at the wounds that had just begun to heal.

And blacked out rationally as he began to drag the blade across his arms.

As he cleaned up later with tears running from his eyes, he remembered his skin singing with the lights.

XXXXXXXX

When JD woke up, his head pounded to it's own drummer. He groaned and rubbed his face gingerly. He jerked back with a whimper as he felt the bruise.

That was going to look spectacular, he thought.

His next thought was to stand up and find Perry. He jerked at the bathroom door.

"God damn it, open this door!"

Perry dimly heard the voice screaming as he finished bandaging his arm again. It was a nifty enough excuse. Dimly, he realized he felt better now then he had in days.

Calmly, Perry opened the door. "Do you have to scream like a girl or do you just enjoy it?"

JD glared at him. "What did you do?"

"Nothing." Perry brushed past him, knocking JD's shoulder hard as he went. "Next time, I wager you'll listen harder when I tell you to leave me alone."

Peering at the bathroom mirror, JD winced. A rather beautiful purple bruise and a trickle of blood met his left eye (as the right one was now swollen shut).

JD walked back out and flipped the light on in Perry's bedroom. "You hit me."

"Yeah? I've hit you before as I recall, Tabitha."

"I'm the only person right now trying to help you out!"

"I didn't ask for your help."

Mustering his courage (despite the throbbing reminder in his head), JD planted his feet in front of Perry.

"You didn't ask for it, but you need it."

Perry narrowed his eyes at him. "I don't need anything from you, Newbie. Don't make the same mistake twice."

"Well, hell! Don't hit me again! You know I'm only trying to help you!"

"I didn't ask for your help!"

JD's face flashed blank in Perry's eyes, replaced briefly by Josh's. Perry found himself taking a step back.

In hindsight, that was JD's third mistake. He took that as a meaning that Perry was finally backing down.

"Damn it, just let me help."

Perry clenched his fist, feeling the utter need to hit the boy again. "You don't seem to be getting this, Newbie. I didn't ask. I don't want it. I just want you to leave me alone."

"You know I can't do that."

"Why in forty hells not?" Perry yelled at him, temper frantically splitting off.

"Because I care too much about you for you to sit around and waste your life away like some junkie just because some other psychopath played doctor with you!" JD yelled back, his own temper frayed beyond control.

Perry stepped back from JD again.

Still looking back, JD knew that had been his fourth mistake.

Feeling more out of control then ever, Perry pointed to the door. "Just leave, JD."

JD stiffened at the use of his name. "Perry, please."

"Just leave already." Perry turned, deeming the conversation over as he stared out the window again to watch the city lights. The stars howled at him angrily. He could feel the anger radiating off the air around him from the lights.

The fifth mistake turned out not to be a mistake at all. JD turned Perry around and hugged him.

"Newbie, you better think really hard about what you're doing."

"I am."

"If it gets you to leave, fine." Perry hugged him back awkwardly and started to pull away seconds later. It was too comfortable to stay there.

The last thing JD needed was for Josh to change him too.

But JD didn't let go. "You're going to crack one of these days, Perry. And someone needs to be here when it happens."

"I'm not gonna crack, Samantha."

And they both knew he was lying through his teeth.

Perry finally shoved JD away. "Can you please leave me alone now?"

JD sighed in defeat. He nodded and left the room without another word.

Perry sighed brokenly. Now he was hurting people. Jack was at least too young to be hurt by his father walking out. Newbie was a different story.

Sighing, Perry pinched the bridge of his nose. The new cuts on his arm tingled, as if congratulating him on finally finding a way to control the spiraling mess that had become his life.

"See, butterfly? Feels just as good doing it yourself as it did when I enjoyed making you scream."

Perry slid to the floor, leaned against the bed. He tilted his head back and struggled to listen again to the stars.

And they sang to him, surely as ever. They weren't angry this time. In fact, they were quite calm.

They were just as quietly tranquil as Josh's face was when Perry saw it in the window. He let his head drop between his knees, wringing his fingers together.

The pills weren't doing it anymore.

Continues with Chapter 11