It Really Is

JD was sitting on the kitchen floor. His body was slumped; his hands were between his legs. He was leaning on one of the cabinets and was staring into mid air; his eyes were empty.

He had to let go of him. He just had to.

There was no way that they could be together. It was wrong. It was very wrong. There were thousands of reasons why they shouldn't be together. He felt stupid for ever thinking there was a way for it to happen. He felt so ashamed and sorry for doing something about it.

He could still taste the sweet taste of his lips. He licked his own and then bit his bottom lip hard, holding back a cry of pain. He didn't even want to hear himself right now.

He felt so bad that he didn't want to let himself enjoy the taste. It was all that was left, but he didn't feel he deserved it so he pushed the good feeling away.

It was not right.

When he started to feel the blood dripping from his bottom lip he left it. He drew a hand to touch it and then looked at his tainted fingers. He felt tainted all over.

And now Perry's taste was gone. And now he regretted it.

He always did things too quickly, and then he found himself regretting them afterwards and sitting in his own pool of sorrow.

It was exactly how he felt after he kissed him.

Good God, the man was married and he had a child.

He was a fucking home wrecker.

No he wasn't, because he wouldn't let it go anywhere, and the other man probably didn't want it to happen anyway. He was probably disgusted by the whole thing.

Although Perry told JD that it was OK, and he yelled at him to stop when he ran out of his apartment, JD decided that even if the other man felt the same, he wouldn't do it again.

His family was important to him, and it was important to his family that he would stay with them. JD knew that if he really loved Perry he'd have to let him go. And he loved him. He loved him like he never loved anyone else in his life.

He loved him too much to hurt him.

He was let out of his thoughts by the sound of a knocking on the door. It was quick and loud.

"Newbie, let me in."

He heard the older man's voice through the door. It sounded concerned. He didn't move and he didn't say anything. After a moment of silence the knocking resumed. "Newbie, let me in. Open the door."

There was another moment of silence and then the man outside his door spoke again.

"JD please, just let me in. I need to talk to you." This time he talked in a low voice, almost a whisper.

JD sighed and closed his eyes. He stood up unwillingly from the floor and walked over to the door. He unlocked the door and opened it slowly. He stared at the floor. He could hear Perry sigh, and then he felt a hand on his chin. He shivered.

Perry lifted his face up gently. JD forced himself to look into his eyes.

The older doctor looked sadly at him. JD looked broken and empty. He could see the guilt on his face.

His hand left JD’s chin and dropped down to his side.

"JD…" He paused and sighed again. JD shifted his gaze back to the floor. "Why did you run away?"

"Perry, it's not right. We shouldn't do it."

"Why do you think that?"

JD looked back at him. "Because… because you're married, and you've a child, and you're older than me, and you're sort of like my boss and there are so many reasons."

"You know I'm not really married to Jordan. You know I'm divorced."

"Yeah, but it's like you're married. Jordan’s always been a big part of your life; you always come back to her. You've got a kid together. You'll probably get married again one day."

"JD, if I wanted to be with Jordan and she wanted to be with me, we would already be together. I don't want to be with her. I know we keep coming back to each other but we divorced for a reason and we won't get married again. That's why it’s always sex and then we split up again. It doesn't work between us."

"You don't know, maybe it will. And I don't want to be the one who'll fuck it up."

"Newbie, why don't you let me decide who I want and don't want to be with?"

JD was starting to break. He wanted Perry so much but he was still afraid it was wrong. He closed his eyes and sighed, holding back his tears.

He opened his eyes and looked the older doctor in the eye. He spoke softly and quietly. "Perry, it's wrong in so many ways, we shouldn't do it."

Perry put one hand on JD's face and the other on his waist and pulled him closer,

"If it's so wrong, why does it feel so right?"

JD sighed. He placed his forehead on Perry's forehead and his hand on the hand that was resting on his waist. It felt so good.

JD felt like he couldn't resist him.

His mentor leaned closer to him and closed his eyes. Their mouths were inches away from each other.

"Perry, please don't," He whispered.

"JD, I'm putting everything at risk here. My relationship with Jordan, my image, my heart, but I know that I want this. I know it. I know it so much that it burns inside me. And I'm willing to risk it all for you. You're worth it," He whispered.

Perry leaned forward and placed his lips on JD's. JD responded immediately to his warm touch. He wrapped his arms around the older doctor and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss.

He couldn't stop the tears that fell from his eyes

After a few more minutes they pulled away. JD hugged Perry tightly and placed his head on his shoulder. The tears kept falling from his eyes.

Perry hugged him back, stroking his hair with his free hand.

"Is it really worth it?" JD whispered into his shirt.

"It really is."