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3/14-- I was eating some Froot Loops this morning when I thought, I don't get cereal. Froot Loops are wonderfully delicious, but not fruity or frooty or loopy. Someday, I am going to have my own cereal/candy/soda/cake/fun company, and it shall be called Candy Man and Chocolate Bear, Inc. Our logo can be a bear sharing a chocolate bar with a horse with a sword on its head! It'll be fantastic. Before all this confusion over Froot Loops, I was thinking about the weird dream I had. I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. In this one, I was in my old room back home, painting everything this really disgusting shade of green. Out of nowhere, the brush catches fire, and soon everything burns down and I'm on fire, standing in the middle of this desert, and I don't think I can get anywhere when all of a sudden there is a whole ocean right there so of course I run into it and then I'm not on fire, but I do have all these burns and cuts all over me and the salt water really hurts so I run out of the ocean but then I trip and fall in the sand, which is also salty and I am rolling around in pain which just means more sand in my wounds so really, this was a sucky dream until then Elliott shows up and she bandages me up and… I forget what came next, but I think I was at Sacred Heart right before I woke up. 3/16-- Today I stepped in something on the way to work. I assumed it was dog doo, but it turned out to be ice cream. At the time I was mad at whoever didn't clean up after their dog, when really it was some sad little kid who dropped his cone. Now I feel bad. After that, my shoe stuck to the floor a little when I walked, and it kept reminding me of that sad little kid. I hope he didn't cry. 3/17-- I had another weird dream last night. I was on a stage, and all these people were watching like they were there for a play. They just kept staring at me, and I had no idea what they wanted. Eventually someone started booing, and it was all I could take. I ran away to a park somewhere. I remember there were a lot of horses. They were cool horses, kind of blue and pink and yellow. I jumped on the back of one, a beautiful golden mare, and she galloped into the sky. It was fun for a while, but then she bucked me off and I fell. I thought I was going to die until somebody down below (they were too far away for me to tell who) shouted "Swim, Jade! Swim!" So I kicked my legs and waved my arms a little, and swam through the air until I woke up. I should probably stop calling myself Jade. It's not going to catch on. 3/21-- The thing is, I haven't been able to get you off my mind for years now. It's… I don't know how to say this, how do I say this? Everything I do, somewhere I'm just searching for your approval. Of course you already know that. You think it's just some surrogate father thing, but I know it's more than that. You're probably already sick of me looking for a mentor, but I want you to be more than a mentor, and I want to be more than a student, and then maybe we can be more than just doctors and… I just... oh God, what am I doing? 3/22-- Turk didn't seem interested in Candy Man and Chocolate Bear, Inc. Not even when I offered to put Chocolate Bear first. Oh well. They laughed at Wonka. 3/24-- I had another dream. It was one of those dreams. I was so disappointed to wake up... but I wish they would stop. They complicate things too much. I shouldn't put so much stock in my dreams anyway. They're just random images. 3/25-- At lunch today, Carla asked for my input on a birthday present for Turk. I suggested getting Rowdy a house, but she wasn't too excited about that. I don't get it. Anyway, when I sat back down, all my food was on fire and the Janitor was walking away. Damn him. Is cake even flammable? Maybe he poured lighter fluid on it. So to cheer myself up, I got the new DVD of The Little Mermaid. Oh my god, it's so beautiful! I've been humming "Under The Sea" all day now. I wonder if I could get away with dying my hair that shade of red? Probably not. Maybe a nice blue would bring out my eyes. I just need a change. 3/26-- I bought some blue hair dye, but I don't think I'll use it. It's just not very doctory. Another dream. This time I was just laying on my bed when I heard these rocket engine noises. I looked out the window to see that the building was somehow blasting off into space, and I had no way out. I ran through the halls to see if anyone else was around, but nobody seemed to be home. I think I cried for a while, but eventually I just laid down again and waited to run out of air. It sounds scary, but all in all, it was pretty peaceful. Living in a spaceship would be cool. I just don't want to go alone. 3/28-- Dr. Cox: I know you hate me, but I want to get this out. In the past few years, I guess you could say that I've grown a lot as a doctor. I've got patients and cases a-plenty. I've prescriptions and treatments galore. You want publications? I've got twenty… but who cares? No big deal. I want more. I want to be where you always are. I want to see… want to see you dancing. Running around on those well-defined, muscular feet. Where I am now, I don't get too far. Love is required for jumping, dancing, driving around and waiting outside on your street. I want to go up where you walk, up where you run, and I want to stay all day in the sun. We'd be wandering free. I just wish I could be part of that world. What would I give if I could live next to you, Doctor? What would I pay to spend a day holding your hand? Bet you by then, you'd comprehend. You wouldn't reprimand your doctors. Bright young interns, new attendings ready to stand… I want to know what you've always known. I'll ask you questions and get some answers. What's this fire, and why does it always burn? Up where you walk, up where you run, up where you stay all day in the sun… wandering free… wish I could be… part of your world. Love, JD 3/29-- One of my favorite patients died. Her name was Kelly. She was twenty-eight, with malignant tumors in both breasts. She was an artist, and she drew a picture of me in thanks… It's on my wall. I noticed she drew Dr. Cox a lot, too. Those were my favorites, and I told her so. She sighed and giggled a little, and from there we both shared a secret. I smell like hospital. It's reminding me of them. I need to go shower. 4/3-- My dreams are getting weirder and weirder. I don't really want to write this one down, only that it involved some very dark wine, a red dress, and handcuffs. Dresses are kind of fun. When I was sixteen, I stole a green one and hid it under my mattress, and when nobody else was around I would wear it around my room. I can't tell anyone that, and I can't risk doing something like that again. But it was nice. 4/4-- (This entry is to be read with a British accent) I made scones without messing them up too badly, eh wot! Usually I add three tablespoons of baking powder or drop an eggshell in or whatnot. This time, I forgot to add the dried cherries, but they still turned out jolly good, eh wot! They are warm and delicious. I brewed some tea, too. Mm... Earl Grey. Eh… wot! 4/6-- Perry, Hello. I guess I'm writing this in note form because it's always been a little hard for me to talk to you. Not because I'm scared, as hard as you've tried. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but you make me crazy. You make me want to write songs, jump over buildings, do whatever it takes to make you notice me. But I know if I did, you would probably still have no idea what I really meant, or worse, start ignoring me completely. It started slow, just a lingering glance or a thought here and there, but in the last six years, I've fallen head over heels for you. I think by now, everyone knows that I am a wreck. And everyone knows you're not the badass you try to be. Maybe we could come together and help each other. Maybe I could cry to you, and if you ever felt like opening up, I'd be there. Hopeless as it is, I love you. And I'm pretty sure you feel something for me too. I know that no matter how many times I try to write this, I'll probably never give it to you. But then, maybe you're holding this letter right now, gaping. And maybe I'm standing across from you, scared as hell and about to cry. I don't have any way of knowing what you think about me. But at least now you know what I feel, and at least now I won't have to hide. I love you. I loooooooove you, flippy happy rainbow gay butterfly unicorn love you. You can say whatever you want. God knows I'm used to being rejected by now. Love, JD 4/7-- One of the kids in pediatrics today gave me a candy bracelet. I wore it most of the day, but I could only hold on so long, and now I'm eating it. It's so delicious. I should buy a box of them and keep it on the counter all the time. Where do you buy boxes of candy bracelets? I'll ask the internet later. What other kinds of candy jewelry do they make? If I were ever proposed to with a candy ring, I would be the happiest man on earth. 4/8-- Last night I dreamed that I was at Sacred Heart when the building started to fill up with water. Eventually all the doctors and patients were crowded together on the top floor. The water was up to everybody's knees, but it was raining too hard to go on the roof, so all we could do was wait. Everyone was really scared until Doug was bitten by a radioactive spider and developed incredible climbing powers. He scaled the side of the building and opened some windows, and the water started to drain. There were some other parts, too. Certain people's clothes got very wet in the flood, and had to be taken off. Certain muscular, incredibly well-built people. 4/10-- Oh, he was so staring at my ass today. 4/13-- You know what? I think I'm in a bad situation right now partly because I made a lot of mistakes and partly because I was so afraid to make mistakes. Maybe I'm accidentally sabotaging myself. (Can you accidentally sabotage something? Maybe if you were meaning to sabotage something else and it moved, or if you are carrying a large hammer and trip into a wall, or--no. Not the point.) The more I stand still and think about things, the more it seems like anything and everything could go wrong. Well, fuck that shit right then and there, I am going to move on and live. I, John Dorian, am alive! Ha! In your face, ennui! In your FACE! 4/14-- I think I'm ready to make another mistake. (The next page appears to have been ripped out.) |
I Count Your Outlashes, Secretly
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